The Virtual Pub

Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Nick on July 28, 2014, 03:43:24 PM

Title: Bastard Banks
Post by: Nick on July 28, 2014, 03:43:24 PM: Thursday is Tax Day evil: evil: The eye watering amount due has been lodged in an ISA for the last year. Today I wanted to move it to a current account. I go to the bank

Woman with clipboard: Can I help you sir?
Me: I need a balance on my ISA
WwC: First floor sir.

I ascend

Another WwC: Can I help you sir?
Me: I need a balance on my ISA

She gestures at a queue of about 50 confused looking Chinese students queuing for the one cashier and instructs me to join it

I gesture at the various "executives" staring at screens in the rest of the room.

Me: Can't one of these just look it up on the computer?
AWwC: I will ask, please take a seat.

After 20 minutes evil: "Ayo" approaches. "Can you come with me sir?"
I follow him

Ayo: So you want to withdraw money from your ISA?
Me: Yes, but FIRST I NEED A BALANCE
Ayo: And what is the money for sir?
Me: WHAT?
WAyo: And what is the money for sir?
Me: WHY?
Ayo sees the look in my eye and asks for ID
I produce 5 forms of ID, three of them photographic. He peruses them.

Ayo: Just a few questions sir. Your date of birth?
I tell him
Ayo: Your occupation?
Me: WHY?
Ayo: Can you confirm your address?
SIlence
Ayo: Can you confirm your address sir?
I eye him
Ayo: Can you confirm your address sir?
Me: Do you mean "TELL"?

Looks baffled

Ayo: Can you confirm your address sir?
Me: I can TELL it to you, if that is what you want.

I TELL him.

Ayo: And how many dependent children do you have?
Me: ALL I WANT IS A BALANCE ON MY ACCOUNT
Ayo: It isn't me, it is the computer.

I eye him

Ayo: ANd you are self-employed?
Me: YES
Ayo: The balance is..........................
Me: Good can you transfer £xxxxx pounds from my HSBC ISA to my HSBC Current Account please?
Ayo: That is not possible.
Me: WHY???????
Ayo: YOu have to queue for the counter (gestures at population of Beijing) and withdraw the cash and then pay it in again.

I glare at him
I join the queue and fill in the two forms.
After 20 minutes I reach the cashier. I hand her the forms.

Cashier: Have you any form of ID?
Me: HERE

I give her all five. SHe peers at the screen. "I will have to check." She goes away. For 10 minutes. China becomes restive.

Cashier: Where do you work?
Me: WHY? WHY? WHY? JUST TRANSFER MY MONEY BETWEEN MY ACCOUNTS PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE

AN executive is called. "Come with me sir?"
We go to office: "Can you confirm your address sir?"
That was when I lost it!!!! Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 28, 2014, 04:31:28 PM: Online banking and mobile phone apps ...you cant argue with anyone then. Think of the hours you could save and the bile you could store lol:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Nick on July 28, 2014, 04:33:20 PM: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2014, 04:34:37 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 28, 2014, 04:31:28 PM
Online banking and mobile phone apps ...you cant argue with anyone then. Think of the hours you could save and the bile you could store lol:

Oh noes.... noooo:

You've seen the results of his on-line shopping..... Imagine what he could do with the banking system...? scared2:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Miss Demeanour on July 28, 2014, 04:36:41 PM: I could be his PA whistle:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2014, 04:38:47 PM: Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 28, 2014, 04:36:41 PM
I could be his PA whistle:

I don't think he needs a drinking partner.... noooo:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 28, 2014, 04:42:55 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 28, 2014, 04:38:47 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 28, 2014, 04:36:41 PM
I could be his PA whistle:

I don't think he needs a drinking partner.... noooo:

I thought she meant Tannoy. redface:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Barman on July 28, 2014, 04:54:40 PM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 28, 2014, 04:42:55 PM
Quote from: Barman on July 28, 2014, 04:38:47 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 28, 2014, 04:36:41 PM
I could be his PA whistle:

I don't think he needs a drinking partner.... noooo:

I thought she meant Tannoy. redface:

happy001
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Nick on July 28, 2014, 04:55:18 PM: scared: scared:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 28, 2014, 05:14:49 PM: Online is the way to go. I can transfer money from my ISA account to my current account with three clicks of the mouse. cloud9:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Nick on July 28, 2014, 05:15:59 PM: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 28, 2014, 05:19:47 PM: Wot?

BTW, did you actually get the money transferred?
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Steve on July 28, 2014, 05:22:26 PM: Quote from: Barman on July 28, 2014, 04:38:47 PM
Quote from: Miss Demeanour on July 28, 2014, 04:36:41 PM
I could be his PA whistle:

I don't think he needs a drinking partner.... noooo:
lol: lol: lol:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Nick on July 28, 2014, 05:24:21 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on July 28, 2014, 05:19:47 PM
Wot?

BTW, did you actually get the money transferred?

Banghead

After an hour and a quarter Banghead Banghead Banghead
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Steve on July 28, 2014, 05:25:12 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on July 28, 2014, 05:14:49 PM
Online is the way to go. I can transfer money from my ISA account to my current account with three clicks of the mouse. cloud9:
exactly and wot Miss D said. Easier than shelling peas when you have a less dim phone
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Nick on July 28, 2014, 05:25:49 PM: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Steve on July 28, 2014, 05:27:08 PM: Have to admit shelling peas is probably more difficult than shelling Gazans

Too soon?
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 28, 2014, 05:30:12 PM: Gazans sound like an alien race from Star Trek rubschin:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Nick on July 28, 2014, 05:31:18 PM: My horrid thread cussing: cussing: cussing:
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Uncle Mort on July 28, 2014, 05:58:05 PM: It's been Shanghaied ;)
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Darwins Selection on July 28, 2014, 08:20:57 PM: Quote from: Uncle Mort on July 28, 2014, 05:58:05 PM
It's been Shanghaied ;)
It was on the slope from the very first post.
Title: Re: Bastard Banks
Post by: Barman on July 29, 2014, 04:09:42 AM: Quote from: Darwins Selection on July 28, 2014, 08:20:57 PM
Quote from: Uncle Mort on July 28, 2014, 05:58:05 PM
It's been Shanghaied ;)
It was on the slope from the very first post.

lol: lol: lol: