The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Computer Room => Topic started by: The Moan Ranger on October 01, 2007, 12:19:06 PM
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Is it just me, or is this "new" site running slower than a rotund barman on a ZX6? whistle:
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Is it just me, or is this "new" site running slower than a rotund barman on a ZX6? whistle:
Going plenty fast enough for me, but then I am still suffering from the weekends exertions.
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Not noticed the speed, but on 2 occasions it's chucked me out of a post I was typing!!!! Thought it was me...or my machine....who knows? noooo: See my post on the 'hacked' thread? rubschin:
Funny things happening down the pub!!!!!
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I've not had any problems.
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I've not had any problems.
That's not one of your most used comments, is it?
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I've not had any problems.
That's not one of your most used comments, is it?
No it isn't. I have many problems. redface:
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I've not had any problems.
That's not one of your most used comments, is it?
No it isn't. I have many problems. redface:
Uou should get over to the agony thread and confess your sins, ask for absolution. Well it's a start.
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They are more the sort that need medication rather than divine intervention. redface:
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They are more the sort that need medication rather than divine intervention. redface:
Ah, those sorts of problems, where men, even heroes fear to tread.
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It's taking about four minutes to refresh a page for me. Barman, sort it! Chop, chop!
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No probs here, but then I am at home today so no company software getting in the way.
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All other web pages load in a matter of seconds. I am going for a fag now - I expect this post to still be uploading upon my return Angry9:
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Where has all my Karma gone
Long time earning
Where has all my Karma gone
long, long ago
whistle: whistle: whistle:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vg8Db7VNgL0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vg8Db7VNgL0)
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Where has all my Karma gone
Long time earning
Where has all my Karma gone
long, long ago
whistle: whistle: whistle:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vg8Db7VNgL0 (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vg8Db7VNgL0)
You must have been smited, happens to all of us.
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Got one.....hurrah!!!!!!!!! drumroll:
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Got one.....hurrah!!!!!!!!! drumroll:
have another, and you're nearly level with me.
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Got one.....hurrah!!!!!!!!! drumroll:
have another, and you're nearly level with me.
Catching you fast by the look of it....must be magic!!!!! eyes:
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sad24:
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Got one.....hurrah!!!!!!!!! drumroll:
have another, and you're nearly level with me.
Catching you fast by the look of it....must be magic!!!!! eyes:
I cling on by my finger-tips, have not upset Wenchy for a little while so have been positive rather than negative, but only just.
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I've never been in triple figures before. I'm rivaling BM. sad24:
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Ahem...
I have noted an overall improvement since the changeover and clapped my hands in glee at all the new toys that have appeared from nowhere... ;D
However.... There is occasionally a delay in posting, or no action at all when pushing the 'post' button...
But look ... face ... Worried? Nah!
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I've not had any problems.
That's not one of your most used comments, is it?
No it isn't. I have many problems. redface:
Uou should get over to the agony thread and confess your sins, ask for absolution. Well it's a start.
Thats right, overload the new server with Wencht talking about her tat mountain fetish whistle:
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Ahem...
I have noted an overall improvement since the changeover and clapped my hands in glee at all the new toys that have appeared from nowhere... ;D
However.... There is occasionally a delay in posting, or no action at all when pushing the 'post' button...
But look ... face ... Worried? Nah!
Excuse me? What new toys? What are you hiding from us BM?
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Ahem...
I have noted an overall improvement since the changeover and clapped my hands in glee at all the new toys that have appeared from nowhere... ;D
However.... There is occasionally a delay in posting, or no action at all when pushing the 'post' button...
But look ... face ... Worried? Nah!
Excuse me? What new toys? What are you hiding from us BM?
Management buttons me old ghoul, management buttons is all.
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Does that include the rumoured Wenchcom 1 button Snoops scared2:
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I haven't found that one yet ............. There are so many to choose from ~ It's like the flight deck of a Hercules in there cloud9:
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Just as well Nick isnt a mod then, the consequences of that many controls at his disposal is terrifying eeek:
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It fair took me back a few years I can tell you.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.raf.mod.uk%2Fraflyneham%2Frafcms%2Fmediafiles%2Fgallery%2FA08FC4C9_BFE5_05EB_C9EC07EFB23C66E7%2FHerc-C130-K-cockpit.jpg&hash=01efc4d36c355271342dc6e9feb8a4a84526d3cb)
You can keep your old tanks ~ this is a REAL BOYS TOY
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I don't understand what most of them do. I got into trouble last time for playing with one. redface:
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Wenchy, surely if Barman made you a site mod then common sense would dictate that he made sure you knew how to use all the admin toys? rubschin:
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Wenchy, surely if Barman made you a site mod then common sense would dictate that he made sure you knew how to use all the admin toys? rubschin:
Barman, common sense, These do not belong in the same sentence. Go wash your mouth out. char062
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I am not a site mod!!! I, am, site, admin!!!
And I still don't know how all the buttons work. redface:
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After I installed on the new server I upgraded the software to the latest release (I hadn’t been able to do so before because the site was all mixed-up). I thought the site was blisteringly quick over the weekend.
However, after the intruder attack I haven’t been able to upgrade to the latest version again and while I haven’t found the site to be particularly slow I have noticed some delay on posting and it certainly isn’t blisteringly fast.
Hopefully, we’ll be able to sort it all out over the next few days.
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Hopefully, we’ll be able to sort it all out over the next few days.
Haven't we heard those werds before somewhere? lol:
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Hopefully, we’ll be able to sort it all out over the next few days.
Haven't we heard those werds before somewhere? lol:
We have. whistle:
Shame he can't hire a little woman to come and sort this out too. whistle:
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I am not a shite mod!!! I, am, shite admin!!!
And I still don't know how all the buttons work. redface:
whistle:
Sorry, couldn't resist it, first day back in office and chaos here, any light relief is welcome!
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Still dog slow today on my work PC. Blackberry not affected Banghead
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I am not a shite mod!!! I, am, shite admin!!!
And I still don't know how all the buttons work. redface:
whistle:
Sorry, couldn't resist it, first day back in office and chaos here, any light relief is welcome!
S'all true. That's why it hurts. sad24:
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Still dog slow today on my work PC. Blackberry not affected Banghead
To be frank I suspect that is a local issue. The speed here has not varied. It always works well all day, slows between 4pm and 8pm then picks up again (which I put down to kids logging on after school and the capacity of our local exchange)
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It's too early in the day, to try for the sympathy vote.
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Still dog slow today on my work PC. Blackberry not affected Banghead
To be frank I suspect that is a local issue. The speed here has not varied. It always works well all day, slows between 4pm and 8pm then picks up again (which I put down to kids logging on after school and the capacity of our local exchange)
All other sites run fine as usual though - Mr Beelzebub, for example, loads up in about 3 seconds
http://www.barrybeelzebub.co.uk/ (Worth a read!)
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Still dog slow today on my work PC. Blackberry not affected Banghead
To be frank I suspect that is a local issue. The speed here has not varied. It always works well all day, slows between 4pm and 8pm then picks up again (which I put down to kids logging on after school and the capacity of our local exchange)
All other sites run fine as usual though - Mr Beelzebub, for example, loads up in about 3 seconds
http://www.barrybeelzebub.co.uk/ (Worth a read!)
I read that meself like.
Particulary like'd this little gem:
THESE cows that have caught this dreaded Bluetongue virus. Are we absolutely, one hundred per cent certain, that it’s not just a case of Big Daisy grabbing and chewing a biro from the shirt pocket of a passing vet?
I know it sounds daft, but it’s worth asking, surely?
lol:
Me? I blame the bloody muslums. point:
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Still dog slow today on my work PC. Blackberry not affected Banghead
To be frank I suspect that is a local issue. The speed here has not varied. It always works well all day, slows between 4pm and 8pm then picks up again (which I put down to kids logging on after school and the capacity of our local exchange)
All other sites run fine as usual though - Mr Beelzebub, for example, loads up in about 3 seconds
http://www.barrybeelzebub.co.uk/ (Worth a read!)
Now that took me two minutes and three attempts to get into. Perhaps he lives nearer to you than me whistle:
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I am not a shite mod!!! I, am, shite admin!!!
And I still don't know how all the buttons work. redface:
whistle:
Sorry, couldn't resist it, first day back in office and chaos here, any light relief is welcome!
S'all true. That's why it hurts. sad24:
Maybe if you ask Barman nicely he'll lend you his copy of 'Virtual Pub for Dummies'. Just dont read past the page with the fold in the corner or you'll end up knowing more than he does whistle:
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Still running very nicely, thank you ;D
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Still running very nicely, thank you ;D
It's only this site and www.mortgagestrategy.co.uk that are slow. The latter was quick until about a month ago - am I to assume that "they" in Head Office are to blame?
Answer, Yoda, you must.
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Seeing as none of us are effected then I fear it might be so.
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I’ve pretty much put the whole thing back together now (and taken backups). We are running on the latest version of the software again and from here it seems fine…
Remembering that I am at least 2,000 miles away from the server holding the site and have the world’s wankiest Intermong connection the fickle finger of the computer god is pointing towards your connection…
What do you get if you ping the URL?
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Could be his pipe is being squashed.
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Opps sorry, I'll move. redface:
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Opps sorry, I'll move. redface:
lol: lol: lol:
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Opps sorry, I'll move. redface:
Should have known it was you. Stop fraternising so much with the customers and imrpove the service.
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Could be the gas pressure is down ~ that's what my Gran always blamed a late Sunday lunch on anyway.
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Still running very nicely, thank you ;D
It's only this site and www.mortgagestrategy.co.uk that are slow. The latter was quick until about a month ago - am I to assume that "they" in Head Office are to blame?
Answer, Yoda, you must.
This mortgage site is bloody slow, even died at one point. That can't be Wenchy, unless she's moonlighting.
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Could be the gas pressure is down ~ that's what my Gran always blamed a late Sunday lunch on anyway.
Well that certainly isn't me if you know what I mean. redface:
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Could be the gas pressure is down ~ that's what my Gran always blamed a late Sunday lunch on anyway.
Well that certainly isn't me if you know what I mean. redface:
I would never suggest that you were as old as my Gran whistle:
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It fair took me back a few years I can tell you.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.raf.mod.uk%2Fraflyneham%2Frafcms%2Fmediafiles%2Fgallery%2FA08FC4C9_BFE5_05EB_C9EC07EFB23C66E7%2FHerc-C130-K-cockpit.jpg&hash=01efc4d36c355271342dc6e9feb8a4a84526d3cb)
You can keep your old tanks ~ this is a REAL BOYS TOY
Yeah but... We can take ours home and play with them.....
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Seeing as none of us are effected then I fear it might be so.
Affected. Typical Cheam... Banghead
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redface:
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Seeing as none of us are effected then I fear it might be so.
Affected. Typical Cheam... Banghead
Ping?
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Pong?
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Pong?
doh:
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Ramalamadingdong?
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Ramalamadingdong?
noooo:
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Could be the gas pressure is down ~ that's what my Gran always blamed a late Sunday lunch on anyway.
Well that certainly isn't me if you know what I mean. redface:
I would never suggest that you were as old as my Gran whistle:
It was probably the "gas" bit Wenchy was concerned about.
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Request timed out cry:
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Request timed out cry:
Routing problem likely most.
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Request timed out cry:
There you go then!
I got...
Microsoft Windows XP [Version 5.1.2600]
(C) Copyright 1985-2001 Microsoft Corp.
C:\Documents and Settings>ping www.virtual-pub.com
Pinging www.virtual-pub.com [62.233.121.22] with 32 bytes of data:
Reply from 62.233.121.22: bytes=32 time=151ms TTL=49
Reply from 62.233.121.22: bytes=32 time=149ms TTL=49
Reply from 62.233.121.22: bytes=32 time=152ms TTL=49
Reply from 62.233.121.22: bytes=32 time=149ms TTL=49
Ping statistics for 62.233.121.22:
Packets: Sent = 4, Received = 4, Lost = 0 (0% loss),
Approximate round trip times in milli-seconds:
Minimum = 149ms, Maximum = 152ms, Average = 150ms
C:\Documents and Settings>
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Show Off ~ Just 'cos I don't know how to do that. cry:
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Request timed out cry:
Routing problem likely most.
Resolution what is then?
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Request timed out cry:
Routing problem likely most.
Resolution what is then?
shrugs:
Speak to a man that knows...
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Request timed out cry:
Routing problem likely most.
Resolution what is then?
Instead of "ping" use "tracert" - find it, if out of the building you getting.
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Request timed out cry:
Routing problem likely most.
Resolution what is then?
Instead of "ping" use "tracert" - find it, if out of the building you getting.
Four it gets to problems none. the last 26 tits up go.
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Could be that someone's DNS table is not fully up to date.
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Could be that someone's DNS table is not fully up to date.
Ah... we changed it at the weekend of course!
Try pinging 83.170.64.74... the old address...
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It runs like a dream on our "internet cafe" PCs in the building.
I'll try pinging the old address when I get back to my desk razz:
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You may have to try the tracert thingy on one of those boxes to check that they are going down the same pipe and therefore same route.
For some odd reason now thinking of "Down the dust-pipe" by Status Quo. ;D
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It runs like a dream on our "internet cafe" PCs in the building.
I'll try pinging the old address when I get back to my desk razz:
so you are wandering round the building trying the pub on various machines? eeek:
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You may have to try the tracert thingy on one of those boxes to check that they are going down the same pipe and therefore same route.
For some odd reason now thinking of "Down the dust-pipe" by Status Quo. ;D
"Run" command not available on those - thin clients that when booted up simply load the internet and the company homepage, so my idiotic users can go onto Facebook or Arsenal FC or such other shite.
Old IP address times out too.
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It runs like a dream on our "internet cafe" PCs in the building.
I'll try pinging the old address when I get back to my desk razz:
so you are wandering round the building trying the pub on various machines? eeek:
Yes, and also eyeing the extremely fit young ladies whistle:
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It runs like a dream on our "internet cafe" PCs in the building.
I'll try pinging the old address when I get back to my desk razz:
so you are wandering round the building trying the pub on various machines? eeek:
Yes, and also eyeing the extremely fit young ladies whistle:
Oh dear oh dear. Still it's cold today so I imagine they are all covered up. Or have they gone into tight jumper mode.
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They haven't really started covering up here yet, but there again there isn't too much worth looking at sad32:
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They haven't really started covering up here yet, but there again there isn't too much worth looking at sad32:
happy100
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Could do with a few wenchy types here. There's very rarely anything worth looking at out-side, unless you go to park and then you run risks as children will be with their mothers.
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Not in this building - I have more cloth covering my little toe than most of the young lovelies here have on their entire bodies...
Not that I'm complaining mind...but it's awfully distracting... eyes:
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It's all that crawling around under desks, isn't it! One of the few perks of being in IT. whistle:
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It's all that crawling around under desks, isn't it! One of the few perks of being in IT. whistle:
Reminds me of when I was a sprog with IBM. Job title was Customer Engineer - in reality it meant running round various clients fixing their punch and verifier machines.
Now, this was in the days before PCs and cheap memory - all programming and data entry was by the old punched card. Data that needed to be entered was punched by young lovelies in a large pool - much like a typing pool. Then, to eliminate errors ( ;D) the same data was entered by the verifier girls. These machines shone a light at the cards, looking for holes and comparing what it found with the data typed by said young (and some not so young) lovelies.
Favourite job, when fault finding verifiers, was checking the bulb which involved crawling under the front of the machine (it was built something like a desk with inset keyboard and machinery above in a grey (always) case.
On numerous occasions, young lovely would just scoot back her chair while I crawled under the machine. One memorable day, I was down under (so to speak) checking out the bulb, when I happened to glance over my shoulder to behold one of the nicest bearded clams I have seen in many a year.
Unfortunately, I was too young and naive to realise that this was probably deliberate and I could, in all probability, been on to a winner.
Ahhh, the benefits of getting older/wiser. If I could go back to being that age, knowing what I know now, I'd have a field day!
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Happy Memories Eh Ghoul?
Talking about beards ~ something like this was it?
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload3.postimage.org%2F383278%2FBodyPainting12.jpg&hash=f71ceb18d13a89cc5131d53c47195cb6af4ae0c7) (http://upload3.postimage.org/383278/photo_hosting.html)
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Happy Memories Eh Ghoul?
Talking about beards ~ something like this was it?
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload3.postimage.org%2F383278%2FBodyPainting12.jpg&hash=f71ceb18d13a89cc5131d53c47195cb6af4ae0c7) (http://upload3.postimage.org/383278/photo_hosting.html)
Good God no Snoops! It was much prettier than that! I said 'bearded clam' in the generic sense - that particular one barely qualified to be described as 'bearded' - think late model teenage male trying for the Brian Blessed look where it goes all velvety and wispy and you'll get the general picture. Plus, I think, a bit of 'topiary' had been applied.
That one looks like the wire wool I use to clean copper pipe prior to making soldered joints when I goes plumbin'
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rubschin: I thought it looked like Willy Nelson.
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Boys - enough of memory (mammary?) Lane - can you put your minds to the resolution of my connectivity issues.
I'll be under a desk while you consider it...
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Remove all trace of the site from your PC. Type in the new address. Click on it. When it starts bookmark it ~ how hard is that?
Alternatively:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload3.postimage.org%2F385775%2FBurningComputer.gif&hash=74a945587f3923ce55d83e8b8a233ac0de743682) (http://upload3.postimage.org/385775/photo_hosting.html)
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Very fast here. C64 speeds. happy088
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Very fast here. C64 speeds. happy088
Is that classed as "petting"? eeek:
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S'ok here too, but there again, it always 'as bin.
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Remove all trace of the site from your PC. Type in the new address. Click on it. When it starts bookmark it ~ how hard is that?
Alternatively:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fupload3.postimage.org%2F385775%2FBurningComputer.gif&hash=74a945587f3923ce55d83e8b8a233ac0de743682) (http://upload3.postimage.org/385775/photo_hosting.html)
Wretched hound. You know that won't work. We must wait for guidance from Yoda.
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S' okay from here today... whistle:
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S' okay from here today... whistle:
I fear I may have to return to the "Dark Side" if things don't improve.... sad24:
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S' okay from here today... whistle:
I fear I may have to return to the "Dark Side" if things don't improve.... sad24:
Oh dear...
Well, we've proved it is your system and not ours... I'm not sure what else we can do?
A Pint of Youngs for somebody in your IT department perhaps?
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IT geeks can fix nothing. I give my machine a daily pep talk. It fears me and does as it is told
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Werks 'puters always seem to cause problems it seems.
Bloody management fiddlin' and twiddlin' with firewalls and stuff I suspect. rubschin:
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Engineers Explained
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
Engineer Identification Test
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
Social Skills
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
Important social contacts
A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
Get it over with as soon as possible.
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
Fascination With Gadgets
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
Fashion And Appearance
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
Love Of "Star Trek"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
Dating And Social Life
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Bill Gates.
MacGyver.
Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
Honesty
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
Frugality
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
Powers Of Concentration
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
Risk
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
Examples Of Bad Press For Engineers
Hindenberg.
Space Shuttle Challenger.
SPANet(tm)
Hubble space telescope.
Apollo 13.
Titanic.
Ford Pinto.
Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
Risk: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
Reward: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
Ego
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
How smart they are.
How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.
(Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
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S' okay from here today... whistle:
I fear I may have to return to the "Dark Side" if things don't improve.... sad24:
Oh dear...
Well, we've proved it is your system and not ours... I'm not sure what else we can do?
A Pint of Youngs for somebody in your IT department perhaps?
I AM THE IT DEPARTMENT IN THIS BUILDING! IT'S THE CRETINS UP IN HEAD OFFICE WHO CAUSE ALL THIS censored:
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S' okay from here today... whistle:
I fear I may have to return to the "Dark Side" if things don't improve.... sad24:
Oh dear...
Well, we've proved it is your system and not ours... I'm not sure what else we can do?
A Pint of Youngs for somebody in your IT department perhaps?
I AM THE IT DEPARTMENT IN THIS BUILDING! IT'S THE CRETINS UP IN HEAD OFFICE WHO CAUSE ALL THIS censored:
I know... I thought a pint of Youngs might help you figure a way round it... whistle:
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Pour it into the server?
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We have a entry door system that is controlled and monitor via an old computer. Because of inherent faults we decided to replace this computer with a new model. Dell, straight out of the box. Yesterday the engineer came armed with the entry system software disk to install on it.
After a fair amount of time and intermitant complaints about a slow install he finished. I logged on to test it and it was so slow as to be virtually unusable. I complained and the engineer proceeded to blame the hardware and our network and said there was nothing he could do.
I point blank refused to sign him off (he had already phoned his next job to say he was on his way) told him that his software install was at fault and that he had to sort it out.
After a number of calls to Microsoft he downloaded some patches and did a reinstall. It worked perfectly. Turns out that the version he was installing was very old (being the same as originally installed in 2000) and that it wouldn't work properly with XP. I also discovered he knew this before he started!
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I rest my case!
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I hope the Wirral and all surrounding areas are consumed by the Irish Sea. Quickly. censored:
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Beyond help you are now. Choice only is to server reboot.
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Beyond help you are now. Choice only is to server reboot.
Beyond help now you are. To reboot server you must.
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Beyond help you are now. Choice only is to server reboot.
Beyond help now you are. To reboot server you must.
Is there some kind of deformed echo in here?
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They haven't really started covering up here yet, but there again there isn't too much worth looking at sad32:
happy100
There was compensation later at the gym - between sets, looked out onto main hall - full of females on trampolene and doing cartwheels. Eyes were just about coming to a rest when I got to the pub. redface:
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They haven't really started covering up here yet, but there again there isn't too much worth looking at sad32:
happy100
There was compensation later at the gym - between sets, looked out onto main hall - full of females on trampolene and doing cartwheels. Eyes were just about coming to a rest when I got to the pub. redface:
That's hardly helpful cussing:
I am now in our Internet Cafe, trying to catch up with the days dross. DO NOT expect polite comments Banghead And Head Office have entirely fu(ked one of our main systems and 65 users want blood Banghead Bastards! Bastards! I told them - but would they listen. Would they bollox. Bastards!
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Well, you've come to the right place for dross, sits sisde by side with Wenchy's tat.
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Well, you've come to the right place for dross, sits sisde by side with Wenchy's tat.
And even bastard Yoda can't type properly cussing:
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Lack of Youngs, was on coke last night, back to normal tonite.
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I hope the Wirral and all surrounding areas are consumed by the Irish Sea. Quickly. censored:
WHY!?
WTF have I done now? eeek:
I'm pissed off too you know. Doin' me year end books shite, and in reality I should be bankrupt. sad32:
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I may have found your problem
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.welaf.com%2Fresources%2Ffiles%2F1108115926.gif&hash=bafd71cc18fbd127101c0a6bb8bedc1646c4487f)
TOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooo Much on the Tool Bar
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Engineers Explained
People who work in the fields of science and technology are not like other people. This can be frustrating to the nontechnical people who have to deal with them. The secret to coping with technology-oriented people is to understand their motivations. This chapter will teach you everything you need to know. I learned their customs and mannerisms by observing them, much the way Jane Goodall learned about the great apes, but without the hassle of grooming.
Engineering is so trendy these days that everybody wants to be one. The word "engineer" is greatly overused. If there's somebody in your life who you think is trying to pass as an engineer, give him this test to discern the truth.
Engineer Identification Test
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. You...
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered, self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.
The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing."
Social Skills
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
Important social contacts
A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
Get it over with as soon as possible.
Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.
Fascination With Gadgets
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories: (1)things that need to be fixed, and (2)things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary. To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimized and feature-poor toys.
Fashion And Appearance
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met. Anything else is a waste.
Love Of "Star Trek"
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.
Dating And Social Life
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function.
Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognized as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest, and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbor an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
Bill Gates.
MacGyver.
Etcetera.
Female engineers become irresistible at the age of consent and remain that way until about thirty minutes after their clinical death. Longer if it's a warm day.
Honesty
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth. Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below.
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."
Frugality
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimization, that is, "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"
Powers Of Concentration
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking resumes before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.
Risk
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something.
Examples Of Bad Press For Engineers
Hindenberg.
Space Shuttle Challenger.
SPANet(tm)
Hubble space telescope.
Apollo 13.
Titanic.
Ford Pinto.
Corvair.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
Risk: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
Reward: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defense: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."
Ego
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
How smart they are.
How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal -- a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature.
Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem.
(Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex--and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.
here is that engineer.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.welaf.com%2Fresources%2F200706%2Fpic%2F1183105700.jpg&hash=05bb289d414cafec2d8410e21eb1ebe961c537d0)
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Lack of Youngs, was on coke last night, back to normal tonite.
Mmmm, so Youngs again tonight (to give your system time to recover). What will it be tomorrow night?
Heroin, Ecstasy or just a couple of spliffs (or are you a bong man?)
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Might have a sniff of the barmaid ;D
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Might have a sniff of the barmaid ;D
You will not! censored:
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Might have a sniff of the barmaid ;D
You will not! censored:
Can't blame him for trying though! I would!
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Might have a sniff of the barmaid ;D
You will not! censored:
That's not very customer friendly sad32:
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Might have a sniff of the barmaid ;D
You will not! censored:
That's not very customer friendly sad32:
Sniffing the barmaid isn't terribly staff friendly either. sad24:
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I imagine it can be done from a distance after a long shift. sick2:
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I imagine it can be done from a distance after a long shift. sick2:
evil:
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Might have a sniff of the barmaid ;D
You will not! censored:
That's not very customer friendly sad32:
Would you rather have your bum pinched/slapped/grabbed as is common custom in some establishments?
Sniffing the barmaid isn't terribly staff friendly either. sad24:
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Sniffing the barmaid isn't terribly staff friendly either.
rubschin:
Euphemism #727316?
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Sniffing the barmaid isn't terribly staff friendly either.
rubschin:
Euphemism #727316?
Tee hee.
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Sniffing the barmaid isn't terribly staff friendly either.
rubschin:
Euphemism #727316?
Tee hee.
Head office server monkeys trying to find DNS to reboot are. Know where it is they do not. Confidence I have none.
Young's looms...
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I’m using it on a fast Intermong connection for the first time today and I must say I’m impressed at how fast it is… No adverts clogging-it all up I ‘spec. whistle: