The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Nick on May 11, 2007, 12:22:10 PM
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Do you have a problem? Lost your direction in life? Problems with the in laws or partners? Need some sound advice from a skilled and empathetic person? This is the place!!
Tell me all about it and I will tell you what to do!
However, we aren't here to witter pointlessly, so you are compelled on pain of smiting to act on my sound advice. No excuses.
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Do you have a problem? Lost your direction in life? Problems with the in laws or partners? Need some sound advice from a skilled and empathetic person? This is the place!!
Tell me all about it and I will tell you what to do!
Like toothache and stuff? noooo:
How ?bout personal, emotional and sexual problems like Claire Rainer used to do? Or that Dr. Devlin in ?She? magazine ? always worth a read that was? whistle:
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Anything you like. Just tell me and I will solve it!
(It's a gift I have)
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I'm addicted to message boards. Help me Uncle Nick. What should I do?
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Smash your computer with an axe. By the time you can afford another one the cravings will have passed and you will lead a normal and fruitful life, earn more money and spend more time talking to your extended family.
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Smash your computer with an axe. By the time you can afford another one the cravings will have passed and you will lead a normal and fruitful life, earn more money and spend more time talking to your extended family.
But I'd lose my job. And actually would spend less time talking to my Mother, although more time to Mr Wench. rubschin:
I shall think about it.
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My advice is not for the faint hearted. Addictions to cigarettes or message boards can only be dealt with via drastic action.
Smash it now. And don't reply again. You are merely feeding your addiction! evil:
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I can't disapear. Who else would you call when you needed help in the middle of the night. eeek:
I am SUPER-MOD!
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Aversion therapy may help. A severe smiting from the collective customers and a new electrified mouse from
www.idon'twantoneofthose.com may be necessary.
If will power fails, pain and punishment often work
Or ask a friend to smash it with an axe.
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My name is Berek and i'm an alcoholic...hic eyes:
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Dear Dr. Nick,
I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.
What can I do?
Barman
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My name is Berek and i'm an alcoholic...hic eyes:
Carry on as you are. You are in the pub after all. Have another 4 pints of Bishop's Finger and you will stop worrying.
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Dear Dr. Nick,
I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.
What can I do?
Barman
Employ a Filipino lady to do it for you
If you can't afford this (they don't cost much) consider staging a house fire, claim on the insurance and start afresh
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Dear Dr. Nick,
I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.
What can I do?
Barman
Employ a Filipino lady to do it for you
Sage words - and the housework? whistle:
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Dear Dr. Nick,
I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.
What can I do?
Barman
Employ a Filipino lady to do it for you
eyes:
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Dear Dr. Nick,
I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.
What can I do?
Barman
Employ a Filipino lady to do it for you
Sage words - and the housework? whistle:
I dispense advice. You must act on my recommendations. If you can't be trusted with a Filipino lady around (or similar) then invest in some petrol and some Swan Vestas. Remove insurance policy from house before going any further
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Dear Uncle Nick,
I've set fire to the house, the Filipino lady has run away and it seems I don't have insurance.
Unfortunately, I not an alco or an addi to ease the pain - what should I do next?
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That was not your problem, so I have no sympathy.
I gather that crocodiles are keen on breeding, you may wish to consider a new career in the handbag industry.
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Dear Uncle Nick,
It has got to the stage where every day that I get in from the battlefield, the mem-sahib does all she can to get on my tits. The result of this is that I am perpetually grumpy and a shouting match usually ensues. In addition to this, I have recently discovered the reason for my lack of sleep. The bloody woman has been secreting a tape recorder under my pillow in attempt to brain-wash me into buying her a new car! She is obviously mad as a snake, but what should I do?
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Dear Uncle Nick,
I have been advised to have a breast reduction. scared2: I am worried about the premed, do you honestly think I will only feel a little Prick? scared:
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That was not your problem, so I have no sympathy.
I gather that crocodiles are keen on breeding, you may wish to consider a new career in the handbag industry.
Are you sure you mean breeding - I thought the word was feeding rubschin:
Anyway, they declined to join me in the handbag venture.
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Dear Uncle Nick,
It has got to the stage where every day that I get in from the battlefield, the mem-sahib does all she can to get on my tits. The result of this is that I am perpetually grumpy and a shouting match usually ensues. In addition to this, I have recently discovered the reason for my lack of sleep. The bloody woman has been secreting a tape recorder under my pillow in attempt to brain-wash me into buying her a new car! She is obviously mad as a snake, but what should I do?
Buy ear plugs
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Dear Uncle Nick,
I have been advised to have a breast reduction. scared2: I am worried about the premed, do you honestly think I will only feel a little Prick? scared:
Make sure you have a lady doctor. Liposuction has come on in leaps and bounds recently and the procedure will be only mildly agonising.
And remember: recycle!
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Dear Uncle Nick,
I think a very dear friend of mine has "Fleas". scared2: Should I tell them, or let them work it out for themselves? scared:
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Neither of these action sis necessary. But some top of the range spray (anything with lots of health warnings on the side will do) and then re label is as deodorant, cologne, "hormones to attract the opposite sex as seen on the interweb, guaranteed to make you irresistible" and then gift wrap it and give it to your "friend".
Alternatively just spray they when they are busy doing something else.
NEXT!
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Dear Uncle Nick,
It has got to the stage where every day that I get in from the battlefield, the mem-sahib does all she can to get on my tits. The result of this is that I am perpetually grumpy and a shouting match usually ensues. In addition to this, I have recently discovered the reason for my lack of sleep. The bloody woman has been secreting a tape recorder under my pillow in attempt to brain-wash me into buying her a new car! She is obviously mad as a snake, but what should I do?
Buy ear plugs
What? 50 bloody quid for a consultation and all you tell me is buy earplugs!!!!! Are you bloody licenced????
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My services are free of charge. If someone had ?50 off you I suggest you complain to the management.
Ear plugs ARE the answer. Or get her a job here. Barman is after a cleaner. drumroll:
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There was a bloody big guy in a tux standing by the door that insisted on a donation for a FREE consultation from Dr Nick no chance of a refund then?
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See him yourself! Well over 6 foot? Thick set? No neck to speak of? Cobweb tattoos?
I hear he is very approachable.
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There was a bloody big guy in a tux standing by the door that insisted on a donation for a FREE consultation from Dr Nick no chance of a refund then?
noooo:
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See him yourself! Well over 6 foot? Thick set? No neck to speak of? Cobweb tattoos?
I hear he is very approachable.
Thats the bugger. . one eye in the centre of his forehead?
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No that's his little brother. The one I was thinking of has 2 eyes but only one eyebrow (right across). He works alternate nights. Catch him later.
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Dear Dr. Nick,
Mrs. Barman wants to know the name of that blonde bird that did the ?Camay? adverts and used to host the Eurovision contest? ::)
She thinks it was Kathy Kirby ? is divorce the only answer? rubschin:
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I cannot pin down the nature of your problem. Do you contend it was not Kathy Kirby? Are you concerned that she retains an historical interst in Kathy Kirby (a woman with a worryingly loud voice - though that doesn't narrow the field much scared2:).
Anyway, it was of course Katie Boyle. Tell her I said so and if she wants to argue the toss send her over here.
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I cannot pin down the nature of your problem. Do you contend it was not Kathy Kirby? Are you concerned that she retains an historical interst in Kathy Kirby (a woman with a worryingly loud voice - though that doesn't narrow the field much scared2:).
Anyway, it was of course Katie Boyle. Tell her I said so and if she wants to argue the toss send her over here.
Oh, of course now she knew it was Katie Boyle, she says wasn?t her skin nice? ::)
And? was Kathy Kirby the one that sang ?secret love? in the Eurovision and can she join the Virtual Pub forum? eeek:
About that divorce? whistle:
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Don't look like kathy Kirby to me sailor
hxxp: www. youtube. com/watch?v=t3fEo1KRZV8
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Kathy Kirby did sing "Secret Love", but at such ferocious volume eeek: that people on other planets knew about it. IN the Eurovision or not I have no idea. Can we now resume the discussion of intimate personal problems please?
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Don't look like kathy Kirby to me sailor
hxxp: www. youtube. com/watch?v=t3fEo1KRZV8
hahahahaha! You can?t post links yet! point:
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Kathy Kirby did sing "Secret Love", but at such ferocious volume eeek: that people on other planets knew about it. IN the Eurovision or not I have no idea. Can we now resume the discussion of intimate personal problems please?
This is my intimate personal problem? noooo:
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YOu sir, are in denial. If all you and the Landlady can find to argue about is Katie Boyle v. kathy Kirby you are obviously sublimating deeper, yea, even subconscious, hostilities.
I may open a small therapy room next to the SNug for the more murky stuff.
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YOu sir, are in denial. If all you and the Landlady can find to argue about is Katie Boyle v. kathy Kirby you are obviously sublimating deeper, yea, even subconscious, hostilities.
I may open a small therapy room next to the SNug for the more murky stuff.
She?s bloody singing it now? noooo:
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I know, I can hear her through the window Angry9:
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. .Katie Boyle. .
She had a brother called Lance.
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. .Katie Boyle. .
She had a brother called Lance.
drumroll:
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Don't look like kathy Kirby to me sailor
hxxp: www. youtube. com/watch?v=t3fEo1KRZV8
hahahahaha! You can?t post links yet! point:
Bugger!!!! Why not.. I have been good?
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Don't look like kathy Kirby to me sailor
hxxp: www. youtube. com/watch?v=t3fEo1KRZV8
hahahahaha! You can?t post links yet! point:
Bugger!!!! Why not.. I have been good?
Ten posts minimum - try now ;)
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Luv ya! whistle:
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Now that you have finished this vaguely homo-erotic conversatin may I remind you that this corner is for the discussion of, and dispensatin of sound advice about, personal problems.
SO both of you have a cold shower.
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I have a problem all right ? my bastard karma is falling faster than Nushites popularity. cussing:
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Now that you have finished this vaguely homo-erotic conversatin may I remind you that this corner is for the discussion of, and dispensatin of sound advice about, personal problems.
SO both of you have a cold shower.
eeek: Dear Uncle Nick, H E L P I have made a boob-boob.... I took the advice above and then realised it was for someone else and not me. My present problem is the after effects that the cold shower has had. I can no longer post redface: my avatar, I have had to resort to one I made earlier. Will this effect wear off any time soon? scared2:
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Now that you have finished this vaguely homo-erotic conversatin may I remind you that this corner is for the discussion of, and dispensatin of sound advice about, personal problems.
SO both of you have a cold shower.
eeek: Dear Uncle Nick, H E L P I have made a boob-boob.... I took the advice above and then realised it was for someone else and not me. My present problem is the after effects that the cold shower has had. I can no longer post redface: my avatar, I have had to resort to one I made earlier. Will this effect wear off any time soon? scared2:
Dr. nick is indisposed so I?ll answer for him ? please post numerous pictures of you?re erm, problem to help me with my, um diagnosis? I?ll boost you?re karma if you do too. whistle:
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I have a problem all right ? my bastard karma is falling faster than Nushites popularity. cussing:
You introduced Karma points, you live with the consequences
NEXT
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Now that you have finished this vaguely homo-erotic conversatin may I remind you that this corner is for the discussion of, and dispensatin of sound advice about, personal problems.
SO both of you have a cold shower.
eeek: Dear Uncle Nick, H E L P I have made a boob-boob.... I took the advice above and then realised it was for someone else and not me. My present problem is the after effects that the cold shower has had. I can no longer post redface: my avatar, I have had to resort to one I made earlier. Will this effect wear off any time soon? scared2:
Read more carefully in future.
have a hot shower
I am surrounded by idiots Banghead
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Now that you have finished this vaguely homo-erotic conversatin may I remind you that this corner is for the discussion of, and dispensatin of sound advice about, personal problems.
SO both of you have a cold shower.
eeek: Dear Uncle Nick, H E L P I have made a boob-boob.... I took the advice above and then realised it was for someone else and not me. My present problem is the after effects that the cold shower has had. I can no longer post redface: my avatar, I have had to resort to one I made earlier. Will this effect wear off any time soon? scared2:
Dr. nick is indisposed so I?ll answer for him ? please post numerous pictures of you?re erm, problem to help me with my, um diagnosis? I?ll boost you?re karma if you do too. whistle:
Ignore the pervert. No SMITE HIM
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Arse. cry:
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point:
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Dear Uncle Nick,
lol: Thanks, angel1 the HOT shower has restored all redface: systems redface: to normal. cloud9:
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Dear Uncle Nick,
lol: Thanks, angel1 the HOT shower has restored all redface: systems redface: to normal. cloud9:
I think somebody, um more qualified should be the arbiter of that my dear (not Dr. Nick ? he is a quack). whistle:
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Dear Uncle Nick,
lol: Thanks, angel1 the HOT shower has restored all redface: systems redface: to normal. cloud9:
I think somebody, um more qualified should be the arbiter of that my dear (not Dr. Nick ? he is a quack). whistle:
Who runs this corner, you or me?
Now back to the liposuction problem. Or would binding help as a non invasive alternative?
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Dear Uncle Nick,
lol: Thanks, angel1 the HOT shower has restored all redface: systems redface: to normal. cloud9:
I think somebody, um more qualified should be the arbiter of that my dear (not Dr. Nick ? he is a quack). whistle:
I'm pleased to hear that. I have a friend - a duck - I accidently ate a part of him, he is upset about it. What can I do?
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Now back to the liposuction problem. Or would binding help as a non invasive alternative?
Now it is interesting that you bring up binding, my dainty little size 3 feet redface: were fine whilst I was a skinny schoolgirl, however now that I have ...How do I put this delicately?... become a tad top heavy... I could use slightly larger feet. So, no, I don't think binding will work at this stage. Next idea?
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Dinner ..my place?
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Dinner ..my place?
redface: What is on offer?
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Dinner ..my place?
redface: What is on offer?
I can show you my tatoo's?
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I can show you my tatoo's?
I am not that keen on eggs,(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fnol%2Fshared%2Fspl%2Fhi%2Fpop_ups%2F07%2Fuk_enl_1171050721%2Fimg%2Flaun.jpg&hash=62d20c06e3034c4aaf0f506fd8986285453cef93). Do you not have a Menu? (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.tattooblog.org%2Fimages%2Fbreakfast-tattoo_49.jpg&hash=6c5a294f575c73d1fd2910c29054244533f80cf8)
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eeek: I see your tattoo and raise mine... censored:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fpopuplace.com%2Fmkportal%2Fmodules%2Fgallery%2Falbum%2Fa_2232.jpg&hash=ab9fc1b37e3bf6b21cec50b194a2506a99a4f5b1) Yours or mine? (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.body4real.co.uk%2Ffiles%2Fb4rimg%2FShavers%2FMowLawn.jpg&hash=16fda9273cfa39357b18ecc3f07374de3d19157e)
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Dear Uncle Nick,
lol: Thanks, angel1 the HOT shower has restored all redface: systems redface: to normal. cloud9:
I think somebody, um more qualified should be the arbiter of that my dear (not Dr. Nick ? he is a quack). whistle:
I'm pleased to hear that. I have a friend - a duck - I accidently ate a part of him, he is upset about it. What can I do?
I am unsure what sort of "accident" involves eating part of a friend. My answer depends on the identitiy of the part so consumed. I am aware of ducks being fitted with prosthetic appendages and these are widely available on E-bay. I suggest you make a small purchase there. Alternatively put him out of his miserty and have the rest of him for lunch.
NEXT
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Now back to the liposuction problem. Or would binding help as a non invasive alternative?
Now it is interesting that you bring up binding, my dainty little size 3 feet redface: were fine whilst I was a skinny schoolgirl, however now that I have ...How do I put this delicately?... become a tad top heavy... I could use slightly larger feet. So, no, I don't think binding will work at this stage. Next idea?
Buy some flippers.
NEXT
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I wonder if you can help me. People say I am very boring. Mrs Boring does not think this, or rather she may think it but does not say it, though she sighs a lot.
Am I boring, and if so, what can I do to become more interesting?
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You could change your name.
O.K.
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Do you think that changing my name to Joshua Cadbury might help. I suppose people might view me differently and then that shify in perception might, temporarily, afford me the chance to engage them in conversation. I must consider this idea, but will also wait to see what Nick suggests.
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I am often asked this question. My advice is to "get out more". Salsa dancing is very active and the loudness of the music precludes conversation, which I think may be your shortcoming. Bright clothes help and ditch the crocheted underwear. It sends spooky messages. On no account mention your interest in balaclava helmets during initial conversations with strangers, wait at least 5 years.
That should do for a start. drumroll:
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I am often asked this question. My advice is to "get out more". Salsa dancing is very active and the loudness of the music precludes conversation, which I think may be your shortcoming. Bright clothes help and ditch the crocheted underwear. It sends spooky messages. On no account mention your interest in balaclava helmets during initial conversations with strangers, wait at least 5 years.
That should do for a start. drumroll:
Too late! He already did! razz:
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You could change your name.
O.K.
Yes, change it by deed poll to 'Mr. More Interesting'... noooo:
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I do not advise name changes in these cases. Windscale v. Sellafield refers.
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I do not advise name changes in these cases. Windscale v. Sellafield refers.
Definitely radiation sickness! He's fantasising about nuclear facilities now eeek: (Bigger) ! RUN.......... scared2:
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I do not advise name changes in these cases. Windscale v. Sellafield refers.
Definitely radiation sickness! He's fantasising about nuclear facilities now eeek: (Bigger) ! RUN.......... scared2:
Nutty... whacky115
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I do not advise name changes in these cases. Windscale v. Sellafield refers.
Definitely radiation sickness! He's fantasising about nuclear facilities now eeek: (Bigger) ! RUN.......... scared2:
Nutty... whacky115
evil: Where did you get that from?
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I do not advise name changes in these cases. Windscale v. Sellafield refers.
Definitely radiation sickness! He's fantasising about nuclear facilities now eeek: (Bigger) ! RUN.......... scared2:
Nutty... whacky115
evil: Where did you get that from?
point: Click on [more] whacky082
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I wuld be grateful if you could stop filling this thread with nonsense. That is my job. And I am pleased to see just how few psychological problems and so on members here have. Except for BRB of course. I wonder what "Dorothy "would have to tell us about him?
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THE NAME'S BORE, DOROTHY BORE. DESMOND HAS GONE OUT AND LEFT HIS COMPUTER ON SO I AM USING IT WHILE HE CAN'T SEE. I HAVE SENT HIM OUT FOR SOME CUSTARD CREAMS ACTUALLY. I CAN CONFIRM THAT DESMOND IS ONE OF THE MOST BORING PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET, AND FRANKLY I AM GLAD HE HAS FOUND HIS WAY HERE SINCE IT STOPS HIM TALKING TO ME ALL THE TIME ABOUT HS BLASTED BALACLAVAS, TUGBOATS, FAMILY TREE AND SO ON. IT IS EXCRUCIATING. EVEN OUR NEIGHBOURS AVOID US SINCE DESMOND HAD THAT RATHER PEDANTIC ALTERCATION WITH THEM (ALL THREE SIDES, MIND YOU) ABOUT HIS DELPHINIUMS (HAS HE MENTIONED THOSE YET? WELL DON'T GET HIM STARTED IS MAY ADVICE).
I SAW THE SALSA DANCING ADVICE AND ANYTHING THAT GETS HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE IS ALL RIGHT BY ME, SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH CROCHETED UNDERWEAR BY THE WAY. HEALTHY!
GOODBYE
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Dear Nick.
Here's one for you.
I am trying to relieve my pressure (sic) by smiting Dot for shouting, but I can't because I have already smitten Des for droning within the hour.
Hhis is likely to cause serious syka psyka Psyca mental harm - do something. Banghead
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I smote Dot for you. happy100
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I smote Dot for you. happy100
Ta, I feel a bit better now - cloud9:
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I smote her too.
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Never let it be said I was one to buck the trend, make it a third smite whacky007
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My apologies. Dorothy gets a little overwrought sometimes and says things that she does not mean. She has had some custard creams now and is regaining her equilibrium (and librium too ha ha ha).
ANd I, rather boldly, smote her too! drumroll:
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Dear Uncle Nick,
I was chatting to my Russian intended, Olga, the other night and something gave me a nuance of suspicion.
Boris, her mother, is allegedly ill in bed and Olga thought it might be a nice gesture if I could send over a few thousand Roubles, via PayPal, to help with the costs of her medication.
Now this is the first time Olga has mentioned Boris and I'm a tad concerned because according to the transaction details they don't even share the same name. Olga has written her name (which I knew) as Olga Vontstocumova, apparently a common surname in her neck of the woods, whilst her Mum, Boris, is detailed as Boris Ripovsky.
Could there be a fly swimming in the borscht?
Fancifully yours,
etc, etc
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This doesn't seem very convincing to me. My advice is to send some aspirins instead, and a bottle of Dr COllis Brown's Compound. They fix most things except some terminal illnesses, and if "Boris" is terminally ill, then "she" won't be needing the money. In fact you could suggest a small bequest!
NEXT
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THE NAME'S BORE, DOROTHY BORE. DESMOND HAS GONE OUT AND LEFT HIS COMPUTER ON SO I AM USING IT WHILE HE CAN'T SEE. I HAVE SENT HIM OUT FOR SOME CUSTARD CREAMS ACTUALLY. I CAN CONFIRM THAT DESMOND IS ONE OF THE MOST BORING PEOPLE I HAVE EVER MET, AND FRANKLY I AM GLAD HE HAS FOUND HIS WAY HERE SINCE IT STOPS HIM TALKING TO ME ALL THE TIME ABOUT HS BLASTED BALACLAVAS, TUGBOATS, FAMILY TREE AND SO ON. IT IS EXCRUCIATING. EVEN OUR NEIGHBOURS AVOID US SINCE DESMOND HAD THAT RATHER PEDANTIC ALTERCATION WITH THEM (ALL THREE SIDES, MIND YOU) ABOUT HIS DELPHINIUMS (HAS HE MENTIONED THOSE YET? WELL DON'T GET HIM STARTED IS MAY ADVICE).
I SAW THE SALSA DANCING ADVICE AND ANYTHING THAT GETS HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE IS ALL RIGHT BY ME, SO KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH CROCHETED UNDERWEAR BY THE WAY. HEALTHY!
GOODBYE
::) ::) ::) ::) ::)
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This doesn't seem very convincing to me. My advice is to send some aspirins instead, and a bottle of Dr COllis Brown's Compound. They fix most things except some terminal illnesses, and if "Boris" is terminally ill, then "she" won't be needing the money. In fact you could suggest a small bequest!
NEXT
Oh dear, seems your advice has frapp?ed the Glasnost, Nick.
This from Olga in reply to my / your suggestion...
ooh, you are such colt hart man! Yu think we knead asprin for our probs? And what this Golly Braun Gulag yu mention - I look compound in dixionary, it insult to our vine country. If no send money then Boris dye and we no marriage... I very sad now and weep tears to Volga. :((((
Poka poka, my Inglish xx
Still think I'm in with a chance?
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I think she knows she has been rumbled. Try here instead
http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1 (http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1)
ANd don't believe any tales of sick mothers!!
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I think she knows she has been rumbled. Try here instead
http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1 (http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1)
ANd don't believe any tales of sick mothers!!
Didn't somebody say Berek was a sick mother or something?
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I think she knows she has been rumbled. Try here instead
http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1 (http://www.filipinaheart.com/gallery.cfm?Gender=Female&Order=1)
ANd don't believe any tales of sick mothers!!
I might write to Cherry ? we could do with some decent help behind the bar. Thanks Dr. Nick! happy088
They?re not ladyboys are they?
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This doesn't seem very convincing to me. My advice is to send some aspirins instead, and a bottle of Dr COllis Brown's Compound. They fix most things except some terminal illnesses, and if "Boris" is terminally ill, then "she" won't be needing the money. In fact you could suggest a small bequest!
NEXT
Oh dear, seems your advice has frapp?ed the Glasnost, Nick.
This from Olga in reply to my / your suggestion...
ooh, you are such colt hart man! Yu think we knead asprin for our probs? And what this Golly Braun Gulag yu mention - I look compound in dixionary, it insult to our vine country. If no send money then Boris dye and we no marriage... I very sad now and weep tears to Volga. :((((
Poka poka, my Inglish xx
Still think I'm in with a chance?
Maybe we should hear Olga's side of the story. Why don't you get her to tell us all about it here?
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I want to ask you about Dot.
I am a bit frightened of her, if truth be told. She is, well, bossy and, even, strident. Shouts a lot, and she has a scarey way of wagging her finger. Do you have any recommendations for ways in which I could even up things a bit (without antagonising her further of course)
Thank you
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Submit and don't piss her off. It is the only way. If you've put up with it for this long you can put up with it till the day you die. ;D
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Maria, I just met a girl called Maria..
http://www.filipinaheart.com/Member_Profile.cfm?ID=730628&First_Name=maria%20milby
I'll have to lie about my age whistle:
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Hello Boys !!
http://www.filipinaheart.com/Member_Profile.cfm?ID=720362&First_Name=monina
eyes: eyes: eyes:
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Desmond, don't listen to her. You have to stand up for yourself. Work on your dancing. Put away your balaclavas.
Mix and mingle. There is a bigger world out there, even bigger than Dot.
Otherwise
Submit and don't piss her off. It is the only way. If you've put up with it for this long you can put up with it till the day you die.
What she said.
Choose. Submit or become a party animal. Gain confidence. Stand proud. Tell Dot who is the boss. (practice in a mirror)
I challenge you!
Oh, and yes, change your sig.
-
Choose. Submit or become a party animal. Gain confidence. Stand proud. Tell Dot who is the boss. (practice in a mirror)
point:
Never going to happen! Too much effort involved. lol:
-
We have to encourage him. Some support, some challenge. Like a "dare" game.
I feel in my water that he may have a bash at Dot later. I await developments. We may be seeing a new and bolder Desmond soon. drumroll:
-
I doubt it. By Desmond's time of life the pattern is ingrained. He is a Pavlovian dog. No way on earth will it change. He may raise a token whimper but then she will raise an eyebrow threaten to bang some saucepans about and he will be a quivering wreck. ;D
-
He hasn't mentioned saucepans yet. Have you been talking to him privately? whacky069
There's an idea. We could set him up with a bar wench. He would enjoy that. Consider yourself on standby!
oh, nearly forgot
drumroll:
-
We all rattle saucepans as a sign of displeasure. eveilgrin: Some of us even go out and buy new pointless expensive ones for the express purpose of rattling. eveilgrin:
-
Do you? whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069
-
Do you? whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069 whacky069
PUT THE DAMN CIGARETTE OUT!!!!
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.lazyduck.co.uk%2Fsaucepans.jpg&hash=fe7450a1afb0a6e2082ea8b30214eb9654e8e6ef)
-
Thanks Uncle Nick.
Dot has gone to her whist afternoon. I am going to rehearse in front of the mirror drumroll:
-
Dot came back (she had forgotten something trivial). She caught me gesticulating. cry:
Oh, this seems good
scared:
-
Take it all back BBB is clearly the choosen one. Follow the white rabbit!
-
Suddenly, colonic irrigation doesn't seem such a bad idea. Banghead
-
What does that involve Mr DS? I have a watering can, and Dot has a hose for the further reaches. Is it fun?
-
What does that involve Mr DS? I have a watering can, and Dot has a hose for the further reaches. Is it fun?
I am sure you would enjoy it.
-
drumroll:
-
She is out for a while. I am working on it.
I promise
drumroll:
I like that
-
Dear Uncle Nick.
I have a problem. I have a friend who has developed Paranoid Delusional Schizophrenia (or maybe multiple personality disorder) (or perhaps both) and I am worried that he is losing his marbles.
I had considered stalking him with my tank to try to re-establish his tenuous link with reality but fear that the authorities may consider this method a little overreaching.
Can you offer any ideas?
Yours adoringly
Bouncer (and Kitty)
-
This "friend" of yours (I am always a little suspicious when people talk about their "friend's" problems), can you be more specific. Multiple Personality Disorder is a worrying phenomenon, since you never know who you are talking to exactly. Do you regard your "friend's" problem as dangerous (e.g. going bonkers with a machine gun in Woolworth's or similar) or merely disturbing (who is it today?)
-
This "friend" of yours (I am always a little suspicious when people talk about their "friend's" problems), can you be more specific. Multiple Personality Disorder is a worrying phenomenon, since you never know who you are talking to exactly. Do you regard your "friend's" problem as dangerous (e.g. going bonkers with a machine gun in Woolworth's or similar) or merely disturbing (who is it today?)
Oh No! He's not dangerous (Well, the one's I've met aren't) I just worry in case it's catching.
-
MPD is not catching, unless someone rubs you hard, in which case MPD virions may transmit themselves through your skin and into your bloodstream. So do not allow your "friend" to rub you.
Fleas are far more dangerous!
NEXT!
-
NEXT?
Ah, yes,
Dear Uncle Nick,
I am hoping that your expertise extends to problems in the kitchen. With the arrival of warmer temperatures comes that perennial problem of lettuce rust. I can't remember how I dealt with it last year - but that's a different dilemma.
I have tried abrading the leading edge of the leaf with some coarse grade emery cloth but can't get the purchase on it that one might hope for.
Is there some kind of rust-resistant primer or treatment that one can apply? The rust seems to come back ever so quickly confused:
-
Just throw it away and buy new lettuce. How cheap are you? drumroll:
-
Dear Uncle Nick,
My friends think I am a bit odd because I spend all my time hanging out with middle aged men in a stinky old bar being verbally abused and waving a whip about. Am I odd?
Yours
Wittering Wench
-
NO. Quite normal for a girl of your age. Tell your "friends" that they are nuts, refer to me if they have any concerns.
They are psychotic. Trust me. I know these things.
NOt sure? Test them.
Use this
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp (http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp)
Should be interesting!
-
Your Type is
ISFJ
Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
67 25 75 1
Qualitative analysis of your type formula
You are:
distinctively expressed introvert
moderately expressed sensing personality
distinctively expressed feeling personality
slightly expressed judging personality
Which is all lovely but what on earth does it mean!?!?!?
-
Well according to that I'm a counselor idealist nick. Wenchy, check the type definitions for more information about your personality type.
-
Apparently I am unappreciated in my day to day life. So true. sad24:
Interior Decorators
Designers
Nurses
Administrators and Managers
Administrative Assistants
Child Care / Early Childhood Development
Social Work / Counselors
Paralegals
Clergy / Religious Workers
Office Managers
Shopkeepers
Bookkeepers
Home Economics
So apparently my line of work is exactly what I should be doing. How depressing. noooo:
-
Actually from what I've read of your postings I can see you as a nurse, you certainly have that slightly warped sense of humour whistle:
A Wench of the cloth though? I can see a smite on the horizon for this but would that make you Nun the Wiser drumroll:
-
NURSE!!
Gotcha!! drumroll:
-
Your Type is
ISFJ
Introverted Sensing Feeling Judging
Strength of the preferences %
67 25 75 1
Qualitative analysis of your type formula
You are:
distinctively expressed introvert
moderately expressed sensing personality
distinctively expressed feeling personality
slightly expressed judging personality
Which is all lovely but what on earth does it mean!?!?!?
You need to get out more. whistle:
-
Just throw it away and buy new lettuce. How cheap are you? drumroll:
This is a sympathetic ear? eeek:
I may have to call Olga eyes:
-
Hello Mr Nicky,
My friend Mr Pastry told me about you, he says you are good council clerk or somethink. . . have good ears anyhow.
Anyhows Mr Pastry got wrong idea about Borilla, mumsy, cos she is really very bad and Asprin don't work. But she is slep now and most for some time.
So, what's new in your life, deary, bet you go clubbing all night to look girls, naughty boy. . . what you need is perma-wife, like we have permafrost, then you think two times about sexy dance. . . hehe:-)
Speak me soon, big boy :)
Poka poka, send me pics darlink,
Olga
-
I fucking despair Banghead
-
I fucking despair Banghead
You?ve come to just the right place ? Dr. Nick can help you? scared2:
-
I fucking despair Banghead
You?ve come to just the right place ? Dr. Nick can help you? scared2:
Bollocks. He's flamin' nuts. Believe me, I know. I've met him. eeek:
-
. . have good ears anyhow.
eeek:
What is Russian for "Jug Ears"?
-
. . have good ears anyhow.
eeek:
What is Russian for "Jug Ears"?
Charleski?
-
drumroll:
-
It was the best I could come up with on only 2 coffees eatdrink013
-
drumroll:
-
I fucking despair Banghead
You?ve come to just the right place ? Dr. Nick can help you? scared2:
Bollocks. He's flamin' nuts. Believe me, I know. I've met him. eeek:
Mutual!
-
I fucking despair Banghead
You?ve come to just the right place ? Dr. Nick can help you? scared2:
Bollocks. He's flamin' nuts. Believe me, I know. I've met him. eeek:
Mutual!
Now cut it out girls! We don't want any van dumping on this board! noooo:
-
Try this
http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis (http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis)
Any more Russian Girls? Ask away!
drumroll:
-
Try this
http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis (http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis)
Any more Russian Girls? Ask away!
drumroll:
Ha! I only scored 5! I'm still real. Why only Russian girls? Some people 'round 'ere prefer Polish totty.
-
Now cut it out girls! We don't want any van dumping on this board! noooo:
And WHAT pray may I ask, is VAN dumping?
Meanwhile, I scored a very honest 3. happ096
-
Try this
http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis (http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis)
Any more Russian Girls? Ask away!
drumroll:
I scored 1 ~ do I win a Volkswagen?
-
Now cut it out girls! We don't want any van dumping on this board! noooo:
And WHAT pray may I ask, is VAN dumping?
Meanwhile, I scored a very honest 3. happ096
Huh!
Van dumping...
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/uk/crime/article1806404.ece
-
You scored 4 out of 23
Well done. You are a low risk candidate. You'll be glad to know that you're neither in a midlife crisis nor are you heading for one.
Is that good or bad? rubschin:
-
Inaccurate more like!
-
Too right that is bloody inaccurate!
How on earth have I ended up with "showing signs of deterioration" and being told that I had better "book into the middle life crisis retreat as soon as possible"! Wrong very wrong. Pile of toss
-
Too right that is bloody inaccurate!
How on earth have I ended up with "showing signs of deterioration" and being told that I had better "book into the middle life crisis retreat as soon as possible"! Wrong very wrong. Pile of toss
Ha! The old real life denial syndrome is alive and well... angel1
-
Hello Mr Nicky,
My friend Mr Pastry told me about you, he says you are good council clerk or somethink. . . have good ears anyhow.
Anyhows Mr Pastry got wrong idea about Borilla, mumsy, cos she is really very bad and Asprin don't work. But she is slep now and most for some time.
So, what's new in your life, deary, bet you go clubbing all night to look girls, naughty boy. . . what you need is perma-wife, like we have permafrost, then you think two times about sexy dance. . . hehe:-)
Speak me soon, big boy :)
Poka poka, send me pics darlink,
Olga
I am sure you are welsh, do you know Lloyd George?
-
Too right that is bloody inaccurate!
How on earth have I ended up with "showing signs of deterioration" and being told that I had better "book into the middle life crisis retreat as soon as possible"! Wrong very wrong. Pile of toss
Honest!
I?ll go through the questions if you like ? I bet the only thing that let me down was admitting to competing with children? whistle:
-
Honest!
Cars 'for sale' 'round the back are they? ;)
-
Honest!
Cars 'for sale' 'round the back are they? ;)
Cars no... cheap booze and fags. whistle:
-
Honest!
Cars 'for sale' 'round the back are they? ;)
Cars no... cheap booze and fags. whistle:
Great - I'm there, how much for a bottle of decent plonk my good barman?
-
Honest!
Cars 'for sale' 'round the back are they? ;)
Cars no... cheap booze and fags. whistle:
Great - I'm there, how much for a bottle of decent plonk my good barman?
Cheap I said ? not ?decent?? ::)
-
Honest!
Cars 'for sale' 'round the back are they? ;)
Cars no... cheap booze and fags. whistle:
Great - I'm there, how much for a bottle of decent plonk my good barman?
Cheap I said ? not ?decent?? ::)
Battery acid? Hmmm...I'll give it a miss then "life is too short for bad wine" as they say! 8)
-
Hello Mr Nicky,
My friend Mr Pastry told me about you, he says you are good council clerk or somethink. . . have good ears anyhow.
Anyhows Mr Pastry got wrong idea about Borilla, mumsy, cos she is really very bad and Asprin don't work. But she is slep now and most for some time.
So, what's new in your life, deary, bet you go clubbing all night to look girls, naughty boy. . . what you need is perma-wife, like we have permafrost, then you think two times about sexy dance. . . hehe:-)
Speak me soon, big boy :)
Poka poka, send me pics darlink,
Olga
This is the closest I can find here recently to some sort of plea for advice, though it is somewhat oblique. Olga, my dear, so I prescribe cold showers and vodka.
NEXT
-
Too right that is bloody inaccurate!
How on earth have I ended up with "showing signs of deterioration" and being told that I had better "book into the middle life crisis retreat as soon as possible"! Wrong very wrong. Pile of toss
:lalalala
On the grounds of personal safety I'm not touching that one with a barge pole eveilgrin:
-
Try this
http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis (http://www.midlife-crisis-retreat.com/diagnosis)
Any more Russian Girls? Ask away!
drumroll:
eeek:
Test Results
You scored 6 out of 23
You've done ok but you're starting to show signs of deterioration
You may find yourself wanting to wear bandanas, or you could get the urge to have your ears pierced.
Just to be on the safe side we'd advise you to book into the Midlife Crisis Retreat as soon as possible. It's a centre where you can get any midlife urges out of your system before they start. Then you can happily get on with the rest of your life.
After that you'll always be in the right state of mind to appreciate the finely engineered and refined features of the Volkswagen Passat. noooo:
-
Hello Mr Nicky,
My friend Mr Pastry told me about you, he says you are good council clerk or somethink. . . have good ears anyhow.
Anyhows Mr Pastry got wrong idea about Borilla, mumsy, cos she is really very bad and Asprin don't work. But she is slep now and most for some time.
So, what's new in your life, deary, bet you go clubbing all night to look girls, naughty boy. . . what you need is perma-wife, like we have permafrost, then you think two times about sexy dance. . . hehe:-)
Speak me soon, big boy :)
Poka poka, send me pics darlink,
Olga
Olga
I am your man!
I am Desmond Bore. Dot is no more. Dot is, er, away. let us meet and frolic. Our time has come. This is the new detente!!
How do you like my delphiniums?
drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll: drumroll:
-
Best of luck Des, You'll need it. eeek:
-
I think they may sort each other out, one way or another! drumroll:
-
I think they may sort each other out, one way or another! drumroll:
Can't be arsed to look up the names, but the Hitchikers guide male/female clones seem a likely parallel.
Lintilla was it? One of you geeks will know. ::)
-
And tell me, DS, how are you and GOB getting on these days. A little tiff perhaps? We should be told!
-
And tell me, DS, how are you and GOB getting on these days. A little tiff perhaps? We should be told!
More to the point, where is GOB?
-
Perhaps he needs a little time alone with the turkeys? Communing with nature, as he nurses his little broken heart.
Or perhaps he just needs some time alone with the turkeys evil:
-
And tell me, DS, how are you and GOB getting on these days. A little tiff perhaps? We should be told!
We are still in contact, thank you for your enquiry.
So far she has clearly resisted the invitation to come for a drink. noooo:
How is your broken leg by the way?
-
What exactly did you invite her to do?
-
What exactly did you invite her to do?
I though a couple of Mackesons on quiz night would suit her, but she never turned up. cry:
-
Are they those blokes in jumpers who sing "500 Miles"?
-
Are they those blokes in jumpers who sing "500 Miles"?
lol: lol: lol:
-
Are they those blokes in jumpers who sing "500 Miles"?
drumroll:
-
I received this anonymously:
"Dear Uncle Nick
My BF is a teacher. I have recently discovered that he is consorting with a Russian lady called Olga, who is, as I well know, lavishing her charms on any man who can stand upright and has some teeth. What do you recommend as revenge?"
I have no idea who it is from, but I rush to her aid.
Strangle him with a dressing gown cord and make sure he is insured first. Commit the perfect murder, leave the country on the insurance money and go to live somewhere sunnier. See also here:
http://www.parmaq.com/truecrime/HowTo.htm
Never fails
-
I received this anonymously:
"Dear Uncle Nick
My BF is a teacher. I have recently discovered that he is consorting with a Russian lady called Olga, who is, as I well know, lavishing her charms on any man who can stand upright and has some teeth. What do you recommend as revenge?"
Remove his teeth and any other body parts enjoyed by Olga.
-
Wouldn't be much left then!
-
Olga went for the pies and beer. I fear she has been doing this for some years. What can I do uncle Nick, she is eating everything in sight and inflicted a tempestuous night on me. I think she is over-stoked!
-
Send her packing before she is at risk of getting stuck in your door frame. Or set Dot on her!
-
Too late. Desmond's new personality drove Dot from the house.
-
Yes, but Dot's jealousy may change the course of events! drumroll:
-
Dear
Aunty Uncle Nick,
We were shocked to learn last night, that a friend of our middle son has announced that he is a secret Morris Dancer.
Our children were always taught to eschew such unnatural practices, but my son has expressed an interest in going to see his friend "perform".
We are very concerned that our boy may be drawn into this culture and wonder if there is any cure?
Yours in hope
Mr ans Mrs(#3) D. Selection.
P.S. Please do not publish our names.
-
Tell him to take a shotgun. All Morris Dancers should be shot and the Government, in a little noticed piece of legislation, has made it legal to do so.
-
Dear Auntie Nick,
There are two vultures circling above my house ? do they portend some disastrous Nickesque event?
-
Dear Auntie Nick,
There are two vultures circling above my house ? do they portend some disastrous Nickesque event?
It is possible that they are anticipating another brew explosion.
They may be addicted.
-
Vultures are adept at detecting the seriously or terminally ill from a great distance and in a kind of "early warning" way . They are checking the menu. Go to the doctor.
-
Vultures are adept at detecting the seriously or terminally ill from a great distance and in a kind of "early warning" way . They are checking the menu. Go to the doctor.
They could employ some in the NHS, literally rather than metaphorically as at present.
-
Vultures are adept at detecting the seriously or terminally ill from a great distance and in a kind of "early warning" way . They are checking the menu. Go to the doctor.
Me or Mrs. Barman? rubschin:
-
Could be either of you whistle:
-
Vultures are adept . . .. Go to the doctor.
They could employ some in the NHS. . .
Vultures or doctors?
-
Vultures they have ~ only they call them managers
Doctors they have ~ mostly called Vipin or Vinod
-
Could be either of you whistle:
Well you?re not much bloody help are you? Banghead
Call yourself an Agony Aunt???? cussing:
-
Both go to the doctor. Not together obviously, in case anyone has a sort of STD............. noooo:
-
in case anyone has a sort of STD.
Is that something to do with phone sex?
-
It may be a code of some sort freddy:
-
Both go to the doctor. Not together obviously, in case anyone has a sort of STD............. noooo:
Would that be fatal then?
-
Yes. If your knackers aren't already falling off they will be soon.
-
Yes. If your knackers aren't already falling off they will be soon.
OMG! shocked003
-
Doctor fast!
Alternatively: a truss and some of Unclie Nick's patented Vulture Repellent, a snip ( evil:) at only ?5.99 a litre + p&p
-
Doctor fast!
Alternatively: a truss and some of Unclie Nick's patented Vulture Repellent, a snip ( evil:) at only ?5.99 a litre + p&p
Does it clean drains as well?
-
Yes, but you will need 500 litres. Do you wish delivery?
-
Doctor fast!
Alternatively: a truss and some of Unclie Nick's patented Vulture Repellent, a snip ( evil:) at only ?5.99 a litre + p&p
How much p&p exactly? rubschin:
-
It is heavy stuff. Like a syrup you paint onto things, including yourselves if necessary. Fragrant too. ?10 a litre P&P. But very effective!
-
The vultures have disappeared at the very mention of the stuff! ;D
I?m not sure if that means I should definitely buy it because it is so good or I don?t have to? confused2:
-
Stick your head out od the window...any vultures.. of course there bloody isn't... its a scam, every bugger knows that vultures fly north during Wimbledon Week.
-
The vultures have disappeared at the very mention of the stuff! ;D
I?m not sure if that means I should definitely buy it because it is so good or I don?t have to? confused2:
Better have some just in case. I recommend a stock of 1000 litres just in case. Invoice on the way
-
The vultures have disappeared at the very mention of the stuff! ;D
I?m not sure if that means I should definitely buy it because it is so good or I don?t have to? confused2:
Better have some just in case. I recommend a stock of 1000 litres just in case. Invoice on the way
1000 litres at 15:99 per litre? Hello? (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Ffinger007.gif&hash=fbfb3619c1709bb93e875478e13dfe6112a1f1fb) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
Cash will do. Trust me, this stuff is good!
Do you take tankers?
-
Yes. If your knackers aren't already falling off they will be soon.
So Mrs Barman is definitely in the clear then? ;)
-
Yes. If your knackers aren't already falling off they will be soon.
So Mrs Barman is definitely in the clear then? ;)
After her performance at the Karaoke night, I am still to be convinced. whistle:
-
Yes. If your knackers aren't already falling off they will be soon.
So Mrs Barman is definitely in the clear then? ;)
After her performance at the Karaoke night, I am still to be convinced. whistle:
I had a sore throat that night... redface:
-
You need some Uncle Nick throat lubricant. Only ?5.99 a litre + P&P!
Same stuff as vulture repellent actually, but with mint flavouring
-
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant. eeek:
-
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant. eeek:
Be fair, the sort you are talking about is usually offered free! ;)
-
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant. eeek:
Very wise indeed. spider:
-
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant. eeek:
Be fair, the sort you are talking about is usually offered free! ;)
True. I am gullible though. I'm sure with a good tv advert involving giant cakes I could be persuaded to pay for it. ::)
-
Can you keep this thread free of clutter PLEASE
-
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant. eeek:
Who by exactly?
-
I was warned off any old men offering throat lubricant. eeek:
Who by exactly?
Ahem... whistle:
Can you keep this thread free of clutter PLEASE
-
You too
-
You too
You?re upset because nobody has bought your vulture repellent/throat lubricator/hair restorer aren?t you? happy100
-
My Dad.
-
The vultures have disappeared at the very mention of the stuff! ;D
I?m not sure if that means I should definitely buy it because it is so good or I don?t have to? confused2:
Better have some just in case. I recommend a stock of 1000 litres just in case. Invoice on the way
Ship it. There were six this evening... scared2:
-
Do you have any unpleasant symptoms. They are gathering for a reason, you know. Vultures aren't daft.
-
Do you have any unpleasant symptoms. They are gathering for a reason, you know. Vultures aren't daft.
I?ve developed a nasty cough since using the hubble-bubble pipe on Monday. redface:
-
Do you have any unpleasant symptoms. They are gathering for a reason, you know. Vultures aren't daft.
Which is why they have such a dilemma when it comes to Chez Nick. There is obviously going to be cataclysNick event before long but self preservation clashes with the scavenging instincts point:
-
Swans are my problem, not vultures.
OK?
-
One mans swan is another mans vulture. drumroll:
-
Speak for yourself. I thought you were a turkey man!
-
Speak for yourself. I thought you were a turkey man!
You know what they say Nick:
"It's hard to soar like an eagle ~ when you are surrounded by turkeys"
Poor old DS ~ He'll never get off the ground. point:
-
Speak for yourself. I thought you were a turkey man!
You know what they say Nick:
"It's hard to soar like an eagle ~ when you are surrounded by turkeys"
Poor old DS ~ He'll never get off the ground. point:
I much prefer a Lark.
A fleet of slurry tankers is making its way slowly up the M6 at this moment. point:
-
Speak for yourself. I thought you were a turkey man!
You know what they say Nick:
"It's hard to soar like an eagle ~ when you are surrounded by turkeys"
Poor old DS ~ He'll never get off the ground. point:
I much prefer a Lark.
A fleet of slurry tankers is making its way slowly up the M6 at this moment. point:
You can call them back old chap. One of the locals managed to off load whilst travelling the High Street last night. The whole village is eagerly awaiting the weekend's promised downpour!
-
Speak for yourself. I thought you were a turkey man!
You know what they say Nick:
"It's hard to soar like an eagle ~ when you are surrounded by turkeys"
Poor old DS ~ He'll never get off the ground. point:
I much prefer a Lark.
A fleet of slurry tankers is making its way slowly up the M6 at this moment. point:
You can call them back old chap. One of the locals managed to off load whilst travelling the High Street last night. The whole village is eagerly awaiting the weekend's promised downpour!
Yes of course, one of the locals, right. . . . . whistle:
-
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do? confused2:
-
Move to the UK?
-
Move to the UK?
shocked003 whacky115
-
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do? confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
-
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do? confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
-
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do? confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
I don't have piles! cussing:
-
In which case I suggest a trip to Piles'R'Us to stock up.
-
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do? confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
I don't have piles! cussing:
OK, so sticking your bum in the fridge is a cure, but not socially acceptable.
-
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do? confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
I don't have piles! cussing:
OK, so sticking your bum in the fridge is a cure, but not socially acceptable.
It is also the quickest way I know to end up with polaroids. drumroll:
-
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do? confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
I don't have piles! cussing:
OK, so sticking your bum in the fridge is a cure, but not socially acceptable.
It is also the quickest way I know to end up with polaroids. drumroll:
worthy:
-
Dear Aunty Nick,
The weather is unseasonably hot here and I?m wondering if one of my neighbours has perhaps left their TV on standby or even taken an unnecessary journey in a motor vehicle?
What should I do? confused2:
Ignore her.
Sit in your fridge
If you want the rest of the family to eat the food out of the fridge and not throw it away, Anusol is a better bet.
I don't have piles! cussing:
OK, so sticking your bum in the fridge is a cure, but not socially acceptable.
It is also the quickest way I know to end up with polaroids. drumroll:
worthy:
Aw Shucks It wasn't that original. redface:
-
I have an infestation of toads. What can I do about them?
-
I have an infestation of toads. What can I do about them?
Put them in the fridge once Barman gets his lardy buttocks out of there. whistle:
Welcome BTW, mine's a Talisker. ;D
-
I have an infestation of toads. What can I do about them?
Buy and then use a shotgun
-
I have an infestation of toads. What can I do about them?
Put them in the fridge once Barman gets his lardy buttocks out of there. whistle:
Welcome BTW, mine's a Talisker. ;D
Not so much of the lardy... cussing:
Oh and welcome Dodger - Bishop's Finger perhaps?
-
Swans are my problem, not vultures.
OK?
Not any more, Nick has success with his new bird befriending costume....
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fnol%2Fshared%2Fspl%2Fhi%2Fpop_ups%2F07%2Fuk_enl_1183469543%2Fimg%2F1.jpg&hash=bec55638cdcca51433ae34ea70cd022a15cf7364)
-
Swans are my problem, not vultures.
OK?
Not any more, Nick has success with his new bird befriending costume....
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fnol%2Fshared%2Fspl%2Fhi%2Fpop_ups%2F07%2Fuk_enl_1183469543%2Fimg%2F1.jpg&hash=bec55638cdcca51433ae34ea70cd022a15cf7364)
The Boy? eeek:
-
Swans are my problem, not vultures.
OK?
Not any more, Nick has success with his new bird befriending costume....
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fnol%2Fshared%2Fspl%2Fhi%2Fpop_ups%2F07%2Fuk_enl_1183469543%2Fimg%2F1.jpg&hash=bec55638cdcca51433ae34ea70cd022a15cf7364)
The Boy? eeek:
Obviously not.
The duckling would be running away.
-
Swans are my problem, not vultures.
OK?
Not any more, Nick has success with his new bird befriending costume....
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fnol%2Fshared%2Fspl%2Fhi%2Fpop_ups%2F07%2Fuk_enl_1183469543%2Fimg%2F1.jpg&hash=bec55638cdcca51433ae34ea70cd022a15cf7364)
The Boy? eeek:
Obviously not.
The duckling would be running away.
Duckling! Duckling? That's no bloody duckling! At least, not like any I've ever seen! And you a self-professed turkey man. You should know better DS.
This is a duckling:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cuteducky.com%2Fimg%2Fduckling_x.jpg&hash=96ec77baa330860e0ba429812d0ca26e56d4a93c)
Look at the legs (you usually do so I'm told) - you'll see they're completely different.
Though, on the other hand, it could be a Sellafield duckling or one of Olgas from the Chernobyl region.
-
I should perhaps have included the word 'ugly'?
-
I should perhaps have included the word 'ugly'?
No because everyone knows that the ugly duckling was actually a cygnet. ::)
-
I should perhaps have included the word 'ugly'?
No because everyone knows that the ugly duckling was actually a cygnet. ::)
It was? eeek:
-
There once was an ugly duckling
With feathers all stubby and brown
And the other birds said in so many words
Get out of town
Get out, get out, get out of town
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
In a flurry of eiderdown
That poor little ugly duckling
Went wandering far and near
But at every place they said to his face
Now get out, get out, get out of here
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
And a very unhappy tear
All through the wintertime he hid himself away
Ashamed to show his face, afraid of what others might say
All through the winter in his lonely clump of wheat
Till a flock of swans spied him there and very soon agreed
You?re a very fine swan indeed!
A swan? Me a swan? Ah, go on!
And he said yes, you?re a swan Take a look at yourself in the lake and you?ll see
And he looked, and he saw, and he said
I am a swan! Wheeeeeeee!
I?m not such an ugly duckling
No feathers all stubby and brown
For in fact these birds in so many words said
The best in town, the best, the best
The best in town
Not a quack, not a quack, not a waddle or a quack
But a glide and a whistle and a snowy white back
And a head so noble and high
Say who?s an ugly duckling?
Not I!
Not I!
-
There once was an ugly duckling
With feathers all stubby and brown
And the other birds said in so many words
Get out of town
Get out, get out, get out of town
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
In a flurry of eiderdown
That poor little ugly duckling
Went wandering far and near
But at every place they said to his face
Now get out, get out, get out of here
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
And a very unhappy tear
All through the wintertime he hid himself away
Ashamed to show his face, afraid of what others might say
All through the winter in his lonely clump of wheat
Till a flock of swans spied him there and very soon agreed
You?re a very fine swan indeed!
A swan? Me a swan? Ah, go on!
And he said yes, you?re a swan Take a look at yourself in the lake and you?ll see
And he looked, and he saw, and he said
I am a swan! Wheeeeeeee!
I?m not such an ugly duckling
No feathers all stubby and brown
For in fact these birds in so many words said
The best in town, the best, the best
The best in town
Not a quack, not a quack, not a waddle or a quack
But a glide and a whistle and a snowy white back
And a head so noble and high
Say who?s an ugly duckling?
Not I!
Not I!
That?s what I thought ? it was a swan, not a cygnet?. drumroll:
-
Yes, but when it was little, what would you have called it? Me, I'd have called it a cygnet on the basis that it is the correct term for a young swan!
Oh, and by the way Wench, thanks for posting the song - it has turned into a bloody earworm! I can't get it out of my head! I think I might just smote you for that one!
-
Good grief Barman! When it grew up it was a swan, however when it was being refered to as an ugly duckling it wasn't it was a cygnet.
No probs Ghostly one. I was infected with it so saw no reason why others should get off scott free! eveilgrin:
-
Good grief Barman! When it grew up it was a swan, however when it was being refered to as an ugly duckling it wasn't it was a cygnet.
No probs Ghostly one. I was infected with it so saw no reason why others should get off scott free! eveilgrin:
doh:
-
Good grief Barman! When it grew up it was a swan, however when it was being refered to as an ugly duckling it wasn't it was a cygnet.
No probs Ghostly one. I was infected with it so saw no reason why others should get off scott free! eveilgrin:
doh:
You can have one too for causing Wench to do what she did - and then gloating over it!
-
Yes, but when it was little, what would you have called it?
Gertrude of course. ::)
Stupid boy
-
Good grief Barman! When it grew up it was a swan, however when it was being refered to as an ugly duckling it wasn't it was a cygnet.
No probs Ghostly one. I was infected with it so saw no reason why others should get off scott free! eveilgrin:
doh:
You can have one too for causing Wench to do what she did - and then gloating over it!
You are smote! point:
-
Yes, but when it was little, what would you have called it?
Gertrude of course. ::)
Stupid boy
...and there I was thinking it should be Ermintrude cry:
-
Yes, but when it was little, what would you have called it?
Gertrude of course. ::)
Stupid boy
...and there I was thinking it should be Ermintrude cry:
That is a cows name.
You really do need to broaden your horizons you know. ;)
-
Stop messing this thread up with rubbish about wildlife
-
Dear Auntie Nick,
My wife has become addicted to an internet chat forum and consequently I see very little of her. She just sits in her office tap, tapping away on her keyboard and generally ignoring me? I just took her up a glass of wine and she didn?t even acknowledge my existence?
Don?t worry about it though, I quite like it? ;)
-
There once was an ugly duckling
With feathers all stubby and brown
And the other birds said in so many words
Get out of town
Get out, get out, get out of town
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
In a flurry of eiderdown
That poor little ugly duckling
Went wandering far and near
But at every place they said to his face
Now get out, get out, get out of here
And he went with a quack and a waddle and a quack
And a very unhappy tear
All through the wintertime he hid himself away
Ashamed to show his face, afraid of what others might say
All through the winter in his lonely clump of wheat
Till a flock of swans spied him there and very soon agreed
You?re a very fine swan indeed!
A swan? Me a swan? Ah, go on!
And he said yes, you?re a swan Take a look at yourself in the lake and you?ll see
And he looked, and he saw, and he said
I am a swan! Wheeeeeeee!
I?m not such an ugly duckling
No feathers all stubby and brown
For in fact these birds in so many words said
The best in town, the best, the best
The best in town
Not a quack, not a quack, not a waddle or a quack
But a glide and a whistle and a snowy white back
And a head so noble and high
Say who?s an ugly duckling?
Not I!
Not I!
Sometimes - not too often!
But sometimes - I worry about you. rubschin:
-
How kind! Most people that know me are concerned 24/7 redface:
-
How kind! Most people that know me are concerned 24/7 redface:
Healthcare professionals are like that you know. ;)
-
worthy: worthy:
-
Dorothy is kicking up. Something she read here about "Love Eggs", Should I buy her some or are they trouble (or pricey)? Can we use real eggs and some string?
sad24:
Olga, can you help me?
-
Dorothy is kicking up. Something she read here about "Love Eggs", Should I buy her some or are they trouble (or pricey)? Can we use real eggs and some string?
sad24:
Olga, can you help me?
I have it on good authority that Olga specialises in ostrich eggs.
-
Really Mr Bore ::) You need somes lesson, I think. ;) At home we have tradition of using more organics type things; my auntie used to swear by dried plums or prunies strung with cat gut ;D You can make them yourself but be careful of stones.
As for ostrich egg redface: dying at the thought... surrender: can you imagine what might happen if - - no, don't even want to think there sick2:
-
Thanks Olga. I hereby advise Desmond to get his plums sorted out and get hold of some cat gut (any old cat will do - they have lots). Gift wrap them and write your own "Instructions for Use". Dot will soon get the hang of them.
-
Exceelent Nicky ;D If weather is fine this weekend Desmond can arrange his plums outside to dry in the sun - better than airy cupboard you have there. I'm sure Dorothy will be in for lovely surprise cloud9:
-
keep away from scotch eggs..they are the devils food I TELL YA !! THE DEVIL'S FOOD !!!!
-
They are, I agree, unpleasant to eat (or even look at), but there may be other uses for them, undreamt of by their evil inventors (it seems)
-
As for ostrich egg redface: dying at the thought...
I thought you would want to broaden your horizons?
-
Does this shine light on what Wench does with all the pickled eggs?
-
Does this shine light on what Wench does with all the pickled eggs?
For it you are asking.
-
Does this shine light on what Wench does with all the pickled eggs?
For it you are asking.
Appetite for it, yes I have.
-
During the holiday season all consultations are discounted and come with one free clap. I await your confessions and declarations of anxiety.
-
I keep dreaming that Wench is smiting me into total negativity. noooo:
-
You are not dreaming. She is. And now I am too. Pull your socks up!
-
Does this shine light on what Wench does with all the pickled eggs?
For it you are asking.
Appetite for it, yes I have.
Doomed you are.............appetite leads to Wench.............Wench leads to smiting.........smiting leads to the dark side....
-
Stop cluttering this thread with rubbish evil:
-
What like this d'y'mean?
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.canterburytrust.co.uk%2Fschools%2Frubbish%2Fassets%2Frubb05b.jpg&hash=a904767200337727c5c80703515cbb5c05b7da99)
-
And that includes red xs
OK?
-
Tat, how about?
-
So much smiting, so little time
-
Trouble, out of it keeps you
-
Perhaps you would care to come round and sort out my neighbour's trespassing sister then? She is back and I am about to let fly at her again! evil:
-
Try going naked. Impressed or frightened she will be.
-
Arrested sooner, I would be
-
Try going naked. Impressed or frightened she will be.
Maybe laugh and point she will.
-
Strim her, I will. I like this strimmer
-
Visit her house you should, use the curse of Nick you must. Then (insert calamity here you can) will happen and move house rapidly she will. Problem solved it will be point:
-
Strim her, I will
-
Dear Auntie Nick,
Everybody in here (apart from me of course) seems to have gone mad, talking funny and stuff?
Could it be the, (cough) additives in the beer?
What should I do?
Sincerely,
Distressed Barman
-
Stick to water
-
Stick to water
Apart from me I said! cussing:
-
That was an instruction for everyone
-
That was an instruction for everyone
Can we add a little roasted barley and some hops for flavour?
-
That was an instruction for everyone
Can I charge the same for it? whistle:
-
HOw could we tell the difference?
-
HOw could we tell the difference?
rubschin:
-
2 and a half days to go until my normal rates apply. Take advantage of my summer sale now.
-
2 and a half days to go until my normal rates apply. Take advantage of my summer sale now.
I just did but my karma has dropped to an all-time low. cussing:
-
That is a punishment for you for misdeameanours in your earlier incarnations. You must do penance. Landlady will advise on the precise forms of ritual humiliation you must go through before your Karma can rise again.
-
That is a punishment for you for misdeameanours in your earlier incarnations. You must do penance. Landlady will advise on the precise forms of ritual humiliation you must go through before your Karma can rise again.
She?s just ritually humiliated me over the state of my basement? ::)
-
That is a start. Others will follow. Suffering is good for you.
-
That is a start. Others will follow. Suffering is good for you.
What sort of bloody agony corner is this ? you?re supposed to fix it not dish it out! cussing:
-
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.
-
That is a start. Others will follow. Suffering is good for you.
What sort of bloody agony corner is this ? you?re supposed to fix it not dish it out! cussing:
Surely using that logic Nick, your karma should be in the high millions by now? point:
-
My karma is in the hands of others less enlightened than I diepig:
-
My karma is in the hands of others less enlightened than I diepig:
Indeed it is!
Smitten
-
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.
I am cleaning air conditioning units... cry:
-
More, more whip: whip: whip: whip:
-
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.
I am cleaning air conditioning units... cry:
About time too. That's the third canary we've lost in a week!
-
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.
I am cleaning air conditioning units... cry:
About time too. That's the third canary we've lost in a week!
Thats not from the air conditioning, Nick keeps feeding them the 'bar snacks' point:
-
More smiting for him then!
-
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.
I am cleaning air conditioning units... cry:
rubschin:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.foreignlegionlife.com%2Fbooka.JPG&hash=e6e22b5c9b500f756186fdc918bf4ac8625771ef)
http://www.foreignlegionlife.com/ (http://www.foreignlegionlife.com/)
-
Sometimes pain is the only way. Sorry, but it's true. Trust me. Now go and get your scrubbing brushes.
I am cleaning air conditioning units... cry:
rubschin:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.foreignlegionlife.com%2Fbooka.JPG&hash=e6e22b5c9b500f756186fdc918bf4ac8625771ef)
http://www.foreignlegionlife.com/ (http://www.foreignlegionlife.com/)
rubschin: Tempting...
-
Smite with all your might Landlady, you know he deserves it.
-
Site with all your might Landlady, youi know he deserves it.
Finger trouble?
-
Site with all your might Landlady, youi know he deserves it.
Finger trouble?
Pissed prolly... whistle:
-
Ahem!
-
Ahem!
Ahem indeed? your karma is falling faster than a bulimic?s weight! point:
-
Touche.
-
Touche.
Angry9:
-
Barman's Karma is more like a whore's drawers.
Goes up and down a lot but seems to spend more time down than up. whistle:
-
Barman's Karma is more like a whore's drawers.
Goes up and down a lot but seems to spend more time down than up. whistle:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fsad026.gif&hash=60d2e54646286c2a7be96b8fb00484be2efd290f) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
Barman's Karma is more like a whore's drawers.
Goes up and down a lot but seems to spend more time down than up. whistle:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fsad026.gif&hash=60d2e54646286c2a7be96b8fb00484be2efd290f) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
Oh Bless ~ He's sitting in the dark having a little weep. char090
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fsad030.gif&hash=e3c5167f791d644d9e4cc0cb9376da4307f7032d) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
Oh have a clap then happy100
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool05.gif&hash=0fc5fbfba5b4b3b832ec04f85efc94951a27e1cf) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
char062 char062
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool20.gif&hash=f3a7febdecc607c9ee273348374024e0aabb57b2) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool20.gif&hash=f3a7febdecc607c9ee273348374024e0aabb57b2) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
So when do we mortals get to use these fancy new emoticons?
I quite like this one (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool14.gif&hash=d566daf393dc08be1a3f9018e1654343f597462f) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool20.gif&hash=f3a7febdecc607c9ee273348374024e0aabb57b2) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
So when do we mortals get to use these fancy new emoticons?
I quite like this one (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fcool14.gif&hash=d566daf393dc08be1a3f9018e1654343f597462f) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
The draymen dropped a big box of them when they were delivering the beer this morning? I?m trying them out to see if anybody likes them.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fsad043.gif&hash=050a2022e8515876867facf984fea4de680bed5b) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
Dear Auntie Nick,
I was having a conversation the other day and inadvertently ended the sentence with ?biting nails emoticon?.
Do you think I am spending too much time on the forum?
-
You certainly are. The emoticon problem is known to us as emoticana desperosis. Whilst not life threatening it can cause the sufferer to garnish their posts with excessive or inappropriate emoticons. I suggest you eschew emoticon use for one week and then ration yourself severely thereafter drumroll:
-
You certainly are. The emoticon problem is known to us as emoticana desperosis. Whilst not life threatening it can cause the sufferer to garnish their posts with excessive or inappropriate emoticons. I suggest you eschew emoticon use for one week and then ration yourself severely thereafter drumroll:
I'm not sure I suffer emoticana desperosis when posting, but this was in a conversation - i.e. i was talking to somebody and said 'biting nails emoticon'.
I'm not sure you have listened to a word I have said... noooo:
-
Acceptance of your problem is the first step toward a cure. whistle:
Denial will get you no where noooo:
I don't know why Auntie bothers Banghead
cussing: It appears to be catching angry037
-
You certainly are. The emoticon problem is known to us as emoticana desperosis. Whilst not life threatening it can cause the sufferer to garnish their posts with excessive or inappropriate emoticons. I suggest you eschew emoticon use for one week and then ration yourself severely thereafter drumroll:
I'm not sure I suffer emoticana desperosis when posting, but this was in a conversation - i.e. i was talking to somebody and said 'biting nails emoticon'.
I'm not sure you have listened to a word I have said... noooo:
Symptoms of emoticana desperosis are leaking from your pub life to your other life. The cure starts with emoticon rationing here, which is what I told you to do. I was also, I must say, surprised to learn that you participate in face to face humanoid interactions at all. The world of the interweb thingy affects us all in ways we do not always realise. I am sometimes miseld, for example, by the avatars of people I meet on the interweb who turn out, for example, not to be actual animals when I meet them. This is occasionally disappointing.
Go forth and watch your Ps and Qs. whip:
-
What a load of old rubbish! ::) fence:
I can't see what you are getting your knickers in a twist about whacky115 sleep017
I am a completely normal cat redface: that happens to want to express some emotions. razz: bs:
I have never been one to abuse emotions angel1 I just see them as visual aids to give emphasis to what I am trying to imply confused: without losing the delicate bom sense of subtle understatement eeek:
I am definitely not in need of any help with this quite normal situation noooo: char090 eastdrink048 char048
-
Barman's problem (sigh) is that he is now using them during his sporadic interactions with people. He'll be carrying emoticon flash cards next if this is allowed to continue.
(Might not be a bad idea actually) rubschin:
-
Barman's problem (sigh) is that he is now using them during his sporadic interactions with people. He'll be carrying emoticon flash cards next if this is allowed to continue.
(Might not be a bad idea actually) rubschin:
That's why I don't have a problem communicating... ;)
-
Barman's problem (sigh) is that he is now using them during his sporadic interactions with people. He'll be carrying emoticon flash cards next if this is allowed to continue.
(Might not be a bad idea actually) rubschin:
I see a market opportunity? whistle: cloud9:
-
I find the gentlemen here, how can I put it, ...........timid. Is it me, or is it them?
-
I find the gentlemen here, how can I put it, ...........timid. Is it me, or is it them?
eeek: Can't say that has been my experience. eeek:
My problem is that people keep putting old pictures of me up on facebook. They are embarassing, how can I make it stop? redface:
-
Get plastic surgery.
Be gone and do it!
-
Get plastic surgery.
Be gone and do it!
sad24:
-
Get plastic surgery.
Be gone and do it!
sad24:
happy100 Dont worry Wenchy, Nick is just jealous. The closest he's ever come to plastic surgery is when he accidentally melted his Barbie dolls
-
I have never, well seldom, "accidentally" melted anything, thank you. Now what is your problem, I am here to help and advise.
-
Get plastic surgery.
Be gone and do it!
sad24:
happy100 Dont worry Wenchy, Nick is just jealous. The closest he's ever come to plastic surgery is when he accidentally melted his Barbie dolls
rubschin: Is that Rhyming Slang for something?
-
Get plastic surgery.
Be gone and do it!
sad24:
happy100 Dont worry Wenchy, Nick is just jealous. The closest he's ever come to plastic surgery is when he accidentally melted his Barbie dolls
rubschin: Is that Rhyming Slang for something?
Trolls
Molls
Bolls
Rolls
-
Do not clutter the thread please. There could be emergency psyc.phys, phstyc..mind things going on out there. This is like 999, you now. Ambulance and all that
-
That would be Psych Nick whistle:
-
Do not clutter the thread please. There could be emergency psyc.phys, phstyc..mind things going on out there. This is like 999, you now. Ambulance and all that
Well, I still don?t think you answered my problem from pages back [rolling eyes emoticon]
-
I did. See also
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0)
But you aren't ready for them yet. You need to become emoticon anorexic first.
-
Do not clutter the thread please. There could be emergency psyc.phys, phstyc..mind things going on out there. This is like 999, you now. Ambulance and all that
Well, I still don?t think you answered my problem from pages back [rolling eyes emoticon]
Well, ask for your money back then... ::)
-
My advice is C.O.D and not refundable
-
My advice is: Sue! ?5 please.
-
Do not clutter the thread please. There could be emergency psyc.phys, phstyc..mind things going on out there. This is like 999, you now. Ambulance and all that
Well, I still don?t think you answered my problem from pages back [rolling eyes emoticon]
Odds are he's putting off telling you that you are beyond help old boy whistle:
-
I did. See also
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0)
But you aren't ready for them yet. You need to become emoticon anorexic first.
Cold Turkey! [biting nails emoticon]
-
Correct whip:
-
I did. See also
http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0 (http://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/index.php?topic=1342.0)
But you aren't ready for them yet. You need to become emoticon anorexic first.
Cold Turkey! [biting nails emoticon]
Delicious hot or cold. whistle:
-
Does that translate as alive or dead shocked003
-
Does that translate as alive or dead shocked003
Oh yes!
-
Correct whip:
But I've found even more now...
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsigs%2Fsigs-misc-004.gif&hash=09382e738bd71bec0f89dec4e25dd3b9a1d740c9) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsigs%2Fsigs-misc-028.gif&hash=2079036e93a7595fc839ac92de44a1030c15de40) (http://www.freesmileys.org)(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsigs%2Fsigs-misc-027.gif&hash=231335b1683b6241b2ff2b9738c8cf3edfb16c19) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
Nurse. The screens!
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsigs%2Fsigs-object-028.gif&hash=8063ed5959b741286cc39cd268404e8019225589) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
cool20:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileyvillage.com%2Fbuilder%2F2.14..Nick%2Bcan%255C%2527t%2Bcure%2Bme%2521.png&hash=52a380b552789b3b1b28f21cf0a63cf2d0fc807b)
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.smileyvillage.com%2Fsmilies%2Fmad0012.gif&hash=d6aa0bec423f9eb67993a1be6e2cc93136864dd7) (http://www.smileyvillage.com)
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fangelic008.gif&hash=523a96131203201e933335eaa7bb5f273997da31) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
Tough case. I fear electrodes may be required.
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fsmileyvillage.com%2Fbuilder%2F2.14..Barman+is+beyond+help.png&hash=ecbffd74da570723d8bc241e1f887489af9ae4a8)
-
Agreed. We have contacted the excellent Portuguese police
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Femo%2Fsad049.gif&hash=2d4e60474094e4334861d64150efba89767e9065) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
-
Landlady
We are concerned about Barman.
In your absence (shopping) he has:
Got pissed
Hacked your house about (questionably)
Got trapped
Gone out for "dinner" eyes:
Upset Wenchy (bad)
What do you think we should do to help him (or you)? through this difficult patch?
e.g. Tazer etc.
-
Landlady
We are concerned about Barman.
In your absence (shopping) he has:
Got pissed
Hacked your house about (questionably)
Got trapped
Gone out for "dinner" eyes:
Upset Wenchy (bad)
What do you think we should do to help him (or you)? through this difficult patch?
e.g. Tazer etc.
redface:
-
Lanlday is spending money on airfares, pants, wigs, hats and suchike.
How ca we all help Barman in this time of trial?
-
Lanlday is spending money on airfares, pants, wigs, hats and suchike.
How ca we all help Barman in this time of trial?
I could ban him then we wouldnt have to worry about it. eyes:
-
He is beyond our help now noooo:
-
i'm fine I tell you! Banghead
-
Dear Uncle Nick
LL has become obsessed with goat recipes following the purchase of a new book, 1001 things to do with a dead Goat.
I long for some cheese on toast, or even a pie, but all I get is goat.
How can I wean her off this goat trip?
-
I have heard there is a book called 1001 things to do with a live goat. If the esteemed lady reads that book she may be put off goats for life.
TG : Life therapist. happy088
-
Our freezer is full of goat carcasses for her culinary experiments noooo:
-
Our freezer is full of goat carcasses for her culinary experiments noooo:
Use gammy leg as excuse to trip over freezer lead so plug gets pulled out. All unknowing like. Claim on insurance. Buy sausages. ;)
-
Good plan. I really want a freezer full of rotting goats during our Scorchio period. noooo:
-
All is well... I am back... cloud9:
-
Are you?
-
Are you?
Oh yes.... cloud9:
-
cussing:
-
point:
-
whistle:
-
Can I be of assistance to anyone?
-
Holy fuck... Banghead
-
You have helped a lot thanks.
I have reminded SWWLTBO to ring you but tonight she is at Parents Evening .... I have been banned.
-
Popcorn:
-
Is that popcorn waiting for SWWLTBO to call or for me to say why I am banned from parents evening?
-
Is that popcorn waiting for SWWLTBO to call or for me to say why I am banned from parents evening?
Oh yes!
-
Is that popcorn waiting for SWWLTBO to call or for me to say why I am banned from parents evening?
The latter
-
The wimmin say they are afraid I will speak my mind and embarrass them.
They feel my technique of answering teachers' excuses, which usually involve them telling me their problems, by saying "I don't give a fat rat's arse about your problems ~ deal with them. I am more concerned about my daughter's problems and I want to know what you are doing about them"
I am the same with suppliers. "I don't care what your problem is sunshine ~ when are my goods going to get here?" ~ "What! Your van broke down? .... Hire another one then you fool. There I've solved your problem for you now when can I expect etc?"
Fvckin' world is full of problems and people using them as an excuse for their own failure to address them properly. Cure it or endure it ~ I really don't care but don't try to shovel them all onto me.
-
We doctors call this Stroppius feminismus hormonius. Men are not to blame. It is an yet untreatable illness of wimmin. I recommend fags and collapso
-
We doctors call this Stroppius feminismus hormonius. Men are not to blame. It is an yet untreatable illness of wimmin. I recommend fags and collapso
Men and wine are no substitute though noooo:
-
I'll drink to that ...... Oh and "ha' ye gotta loight boy?"
-
We doctors call this Stroppius feminismus hormonius. Men are not to blame. It is an yet untreatable illness of wimmin. I recommend fags and collapso
Men and wine are no substitute though noooo:
Not that sort of fag you daft owld faggot ::)
-
Just imagine how tragic the world would be if all the wimmin in it were mute ....what would you have to complain about then ?
-
How long have you got?
-
shutup:
lol:
-
lol: lol: lol:
Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.
Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....
Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever. redface:
-
lol: lol: lol:
Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.
Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....
Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever. redface:
No long butts in the ashtray .....??
-
lol: lol: lol:
Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.
Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....
Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever. redface:
And Wrecks everything was it ? ( did you see what I did there whistle: )
-
lol: lol: lol:
Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.
Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....
Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever. redface:
And Wrecks everything was it ? ( did you see what I did there whistle: )
No ........ rubschin:
-
lol: lol: lol:
Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.
Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....
Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever. redface:
And Wrecks everything was it ? ( did you see what I did there whistle: )
Err Nope!
lol: lol: lol:
Could have been nasty though ~ I need sympathy not wisecracks
-
You need that 'orrible shiny bog paper to make a decent ciggy...not that soft crap...
-
You need that 'orrible shiny bog paper to make a decent ciggy...not that soft crap...
I know that now!........ I have my doubts about the wisdom of Prit-stick too.
-
lol: lol: lol:
Anywhooo ~ pleasant as this is I have run out of ciggy papers, shops are shut, pub too ~ so I'm off to bed.
Ackchooly a minor incendiary incident has occurred ....
Top Tip: Bog paper, baccy and Prit-stick do not make a safe smoke, it may be hoooge but it ain't clever. redface:
And Wrecks everything was it ? ( did you see what I did there whistle: )
No ........ rubschin:
Clue ...
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.sterlingtimes.org%2Fandrex_puppy2.jpg&hash=44ec69592025b6dfbd0b5cfd0e724292c209a3ef)
-
doh: O I C
Must be the lateness of the hour.
I'm for me pit. Nighty-night.
-
Sinister: has he gone yet...
-
He's waiting...
-
How do you keep a beagle in suspense...
-
lol: lol: lol: lol:
How do you keep a beagle in suspense...
Put his nuts in a vice!
Seriously ~ Good night all.
-
Dear Dr. Nick,
A female visitor to the house today asked if I could smell yeast...
I replied, "you haven't got an infection 'down there' have you?".
What should I have said...? rubschin:
-
Dear Dr. Nick,
A female visitor to the house today asked if I could smell yeast...
I replied, "you haven't got an infection 'down there' have you?".
What should I have said...? rubschin:
;D
-
"Yes, can you offer me some assistance with some beer I am making" whistle: whistle:
-
"Yes, can you offer me some assistance with some beer I am making" whistle: whistle:
Well, she claims she said 'hops' now.... ::)
-
"Yes, can you offer me some assistance with some beer I am making" whistle: whistle:
Well, she claims she said 'hops' now.... ::)
Was it Heather Mills?
-
facepalm:
-
facepalm:
facepalm: facepalm:
-
"Yes, can you offer me some assistance with some beer I am making" whistle: whistle:
Well, she claims she said 'hops' now.... ::)
Was it Heather Mills?
drumroll:
-
"Yes, can you offer me some assistance with some beer I am making" whistle: whistle:
Well, she claims she said 'hops' now.... ::)
Was it Heather Mills?
;D ;D
-
Some excellent advice here angel1
-
Some excellent advice here angel1
Some missing Pubbers too... cry:
-
Dr Nick
Can you advise? I have a friend whose wife keeps dragging him off to shopping centres where they spend munny on things they don't really need, eat Italian food and perhaps most worryingly have conversations. He seems to not be worried about this.
-
Dr Nick
Can you advise? There seems to be a sudden and unexpected world shortage of Post-It notes. What to do?
-
Dr Nick
Can you advise? I have a friend whose wife keeps dragging him off to shopping centres where they spend munny on things they don't really need, eat Italian food and perhaps most worryingly have conversations. He seems to not be worried about this.
If he is not worried then technically there is no problem. However, this may indicate that he is not normal as most men detest shopping.
He may be gay. You may want to gently raise the possibility with your friend. Do not turn your back on him.
-
scared2:
-
Dr Nick
Can you advise? There seems to be a sudden and unexpected world shortage of Post-It notes. What to do?
My friends in the City inform me there is a cargo vessel of world stocks en route to Cyprus for a special order. I suggest you get BM to post some to you when his ship comes in angel1
-
NEXT!
-
Dr Nick
Can you advise
An interweb acquaintance of mine seems to have become the after the fact inspiration for the 1960s Manfred Mann song King Midas in Reverse. Should we have him locked up for our and his own safety?
-
Dr Nick
Can you advise? There seems to be a sudden and unexpected world shortage of Post-It notes. What to do?
My friends in the City inform me there is a cargo vessel of world stocks en route to Cyprus for a special order. I suggest you get BM to post some to you when his ship comes in angel1
:thumbsup:
I will set a reminder for the year 2021 then. I'd have written it on a Post-It note but . . . .
-
Dr Nick
Can you advise
An interweb acquaintance of mine seems to have become the after the fact inspiration for the 1960s Manfred Mann song King Midas in Reverse. Should we have him locked up for our and his own safety?
On the contrary. He can be sent to different parts of the world to sabotage economies. Start with Russia and go from there.
-
rubschin:
Too expensive
-
Drug him and send him by DHL. He will probably never arrive noooo:
-
Drug him and send him by DHL. He will probably never arrive noooo:
What size box do you Oops sorry he need?
-
Coffin. You get a repatriation discount and a grant from the DSS angel1
-
Coffin. You get a repatriation discount and a grant from the DSS angel1
We'll send the Co-Op round to measure you him up then
-
sad32:
-
Right then. I am open for business. Ask me for advice on anything, no matter how personal. Don't be embarrassed angel1
-
Dear Dr Nick
I think I am the only normal person left . How do I help everybody else to see the error of their ways and transform them to being a reasonable, logical , understanding person like what I am ?
-
In my experience many women suffer from similar delusions. There is no cure for this except for hormone treatment and then a surgical sex change.
-
What other types of sex changes are there ? rubschin:
-
You would be surprised. Just look at the toilet options in many universities. To save money, the NHS does sex changes in adjacent theatres to that boobs and willies can be simultaneously donated between the two rooms. Two satisfied customers at once and a low carbon footprint :thumbsup:
-
Dr Nick
Please advise
That despicable scum Derek Robinson (aka Red Robbo) has died (90!) and I don't know whether to start a Despicable Scum Departed thread or just open the Champers.
-
Do both.
NEXT!
-
Dear Doctor Nick
My personal voice assistant has just the sexiest tone and is just the most responsive experience I have ever known. How can I train the man to become equally as programmable ?
-
Men cannot be "trained" and in that respect are somewhat like cats. Spend more time listening to your telephone thingy and in time jealousy will set in and he may self-interestedly adapt his mode of communication to usurp his technical rival.
Alternatively, plug him into the mains.
NEXT!
-
lol:
-
AAs I have nuffink much to do today I hereby declare the surgery open angel1
-
Doctor Nick
Can you advise if it is safe to travel to Cyprus? I have read stories about widespread gas explosions
-
On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....
-
Dear Dr Nick,
How can you get grown adult children to stop bleeding you dry at every opportunity ???
-
On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....
cussing:
-
Dear Dr Nick,
How can you get grown adult children to stop bleeding you dry at every opportunity ???
Marry them off! :thumbsup:
-
Dear Dr Nick,
How can you get grown adult children to stop bleeding you dry at every opportunity ???
I too have experience of this problem evil:
I find that moving house, keeping your new address secret and changing your phone number can work wonders.
NEXT!
-
Doctor Nick
Please can advise
I hear that some people hide secret messages using the first letters of each sentence of a post. All the secret messages so far are of the form DNVVSSTR. Do people only post secret messages after visiting the dentist?
-
Folk can and do use this device. Unlike some other codes, these are quite easy to break. Certainly, they can be used to transmit hidden messages. Knowing what to look for is the key. Often, they can be broken quite easily. For example, in this response. Finding them is quite easy.
Next!
-
Folk can and do use this device. Unlike some other codes, these are quite easy to break. Certainly, they can be used to transmit hidden messages. Knowing what to look for is the key. Often, they can be broken quite easily. For example, in this response. Finding them is quite easy.
Next!
worthy:
-
angel1
-
Folk can and do use this device. Unlike some other codes, these are quite easy to break. Certainly, they can be used to transmit hidden messages. Knowing what to look for is the key. Often, they can be broken quite easily. For example, in this response. Finding them is quite easy.
Next!
happy001
-
Folk can and do use this device. Unlike some other codes, these are quite easy to break. Certainly, they can be used to transmit hidden messages. Knowing what to look for is the key. Often, they can be broken quite easily. For example, in this response. Finding them is quite easy.
Next!
happy001
lol: lol: lol: :thumbsup:
-
On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....
There was ever going to be one response to this line.... eveilgrin:
Embarrassing Dad dancing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfskTWtU20Q#ws)
whistle:
-
:thumbsup:
-
On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....
There was ever going to be one response to this line.... eveilgrin:
Embarrassing Dad dancing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfskTWtU20Q#ws)
whistle:
cussing:
-
On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....
There was ever going to be one response to this line.... eveilgrin:
Embarrassing Dad dancing (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kfskTWtU20Q#ws)
whistle:
cussing:
Just accept it BM, your dancing prowess has become legendary in this watering hole... lol:
-
Doctor Nick
Please advise
Is a bloke doing anything other than at most the so called 'Dad Dancing' someone never to turn your back on?
-
If we are referring to that chap in the embarrassing video, I would be wary of being in the same country as him!
Amateur gas fitter, quadcopter destroyer, shotgun maniac, roof faller offer, clueless cook and general clown.
See my earlier characterisation of Cyprus ::)
-
Doctor Nick
Please advise
After reading the description of the strange gentleman in Cyprus I realised that there are a lot of parallels with another member of this pub that lives in Nottingham.
Bane of kitchen appliances, exploder of wildlife, stock clearer of online retailers, beloved of hobbits and general mong...
Could they be long lost siblings?
Given that you said you would be wary of being in the same country as the strange gentleman should we be worried?
-
You have nothing to fear, unless you come to Nottingham or I come to the South West.
Oddly, I am thinking of making a short foray into Devon and Cornwall in January to explode explore several of their old towns.
-
You have nothing to fear, unless you come to Nottingham or I come to the South West.
Oddly, I am thinking of making a short foray into Devon and Cornwall in January to explore several of their old towns.
Coincidentally I may be making a foray back up to the North East in January to catch up with family... whistle:
I would recommend visiting either Bodmin, St Just or St Austell, something tells me those villages and towns would welcome you as one of their own... rubschin:
-
:thumbsup: rubschin:
-
There are just places where
nutters people you would consider like minded individuals tend to congregate... angel1
-
Doctor Nick
Please advise
Is the Sarf East the safest option then
-
As long as you go nowhere near London, Brighton or Lewes, yes angel1
-
rubschin: I'm doomed then scared2:
-
Can we get back to solving real problems, please? ::)
-
rubschin: I'm doomed then scared2:
Just find a village or small town nearby that doesn't allow pets... :thumbsup:
-
I am reading this you know! cussing:
-
angel1
-
And, sadly, I only speak the truth whistle:
Some of us still recall the Great Beer Explosion event. angel1
-
And, sadly, I only speak the truth whistle:
Some of us still recall the Great Beer Explosion event. angel1
I hate to say this Dr Nick but you can't really talk when it comes to things exploding... point:
-
It was not me who poked the badger evil:
-
It was not me who poked the badger evil:
Yes but you exposed the badger to Nick-o-rays making an explosion inevitable.... whistle:
-
Angry9:
-
angel1
-
Doctor Nick
please advise
Some people I know are referring to a practice called 'poking the badger'. Should the police be made aware?
-
Only if you do it yourself and turn yourself in. This also applies to touching lady badgers on the knee. If badgers have knees. There is a gap in my knowledge there. Sorry.
Poking a dead badger with a stick is not illegal, but not recommended either.
On an historical note Sarah Ferguson's nickname was Badger. I suspect this was some rude reference to pubic hair colouring, but I wouldn't poke her with yours (she was a ginger).
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And, sadly, I only speak the truth whistle:
Some of us still recall the Great Beer Explosion event. angel1
redface: redface: redface:
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point: point: point: point:
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Doctor Nick,
As I find myself at a loose end for an unspecified number of days, please advise whether 0830 is too early to go to the pub.
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What an excellent question, my little one.
It is your duty to go to any establishment which opens its doors for business so early. Just think of the poor staff, hanging about with nothing to do except gaze at their iPhones. Lack of custom would threaten their very jobs!
Get in there and keep the wheels of the economy turning. Livelihoods depend on your thirst. Babies would starve. Think of the children!!
NEXT!
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What an excellent question, my little one.
It is your duty to go to any establishment which opens its doors for business so early. Just think of the poor staff, hanging about with nothing to do except gaze at their iPhones. Lack of custom would threaten their very jobs!
Get in there and keep the wheels of the economy turning. Livelihoods depend on your thirst.
NEXT!
Great answer oh wise one. In anticipation of your wisdom I have already showered and shaved. Next up, suitable reading material to be purchased. Guinness will follow. Expect updates. Realistically, six or seven pints should suffice. Tobacco will need to be purchased also. Will visit the new Sainsbury's to see what it's like. Assume it will be just like it was only shinier. Toodle-pip :thumbsup:
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Doctor Nick, please advise
Is now a good or bad time to be flying from Gatwick?
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It is a very good time to be flying from Gatwick as the owner of the Boots of Trampling is currently on leave.
However, upheavals in the whole baggage system will cause chaos.
Take only hand luggage.
NEXT!
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Dr Doctor Nick
Please can you advise me how to get more sleep hours into a day ? I would love to have a lie in occasionally but my brainiac continues to wake up the same time and not understand it is either the weekend or a non working day !!!
I have tried reading more of your posts before bedtime to ensure an adequate coma like state but even that fails sad32:
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Paint eyeballs onto yer eyelids and sleep sitting up at work. No on will notice the difference.
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Paint eyeballs onto yer eyelids and sleep sitting up at work. No on will notice the difference.
happy001
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scared:
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Doctor Nick, please advise
I have a massive To DO list and an ideal day to do jobs both inside and outside the house. How do I get out of this?
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This is a very common problem, especially where female supervision is involved. Give Mrs Steve some cash (I know, but these things have to be done) and tell her to go and treat herself to some new clothes at Bluewater.
She will be gone for hours and you can laze about doing nothing all day.
When she gets back explain that felt rather unwell and had to lie down.
If you are lucky, she may be sympathetic.
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rubschin:
Doctor Nick, please advise
My wife already has more clothes than will fit in the all new increased wardrobes and drawers installed at much expense and disruption. Some idiot is advising me to let her go buy even more. What do I do?
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Send her out anyway and chuck out some of her stuff while she isn't looking. ::)
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PS My advice is always excellent and, as I write, TMR is in the pub and Miss D is sound asleep at her desk. Two satisfied customers already today.
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PS My advice is always excellent and, as I write, TMR is in the pub and Miss D is sound asleep at her desk. Two satisfied customers already today.
Dear Doctor Nick,
Why did you not notice the coded message in reply #506?
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Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9:
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Doctor Nick, please advise
What is this coded message in post 506?
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Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9:
point: point: point:
And...
worthy:
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Doctor Nick, please advise
What is this coded message in post 506?
cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
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Trying my patience and good nature like this is not nice. sad32: Many of my clients swear by my advice and see their lives improve. Realistic advice should always be welcome. Instead, I get this!! Sadly, some people do not deserve my help. And this is a free service!! Moreover, I could just stop doing this and let you all blunder abut in a confused state. Of course, I will not do this. angel1 Neither will I cease offering advice to the ungrateful. Get on and ask me more questions.
NEXT!
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Trying my patience and good nature like this is not nice. sad32: Many of my clients swear by my advice and see their lives improve. Realistic advice should always be welcome. Instead, I get this!! Sadly, some people do not deserve my help. And this is a free service!! Moreover, I could just stop doing this and let you all blunder abut in a confused state. Of course, I will not do this. angel1 Neither will I cease offering advice to the ungrateful. Get on and ask me more questions.
NEXT!
lol: lol: lol:
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Dear Dr Nick ,
The thought of retiring when I get to 67 depresses the bejiggery out of me.
Obviously I appreciate that the recent 0.25% hike in interest rates will mean that my savings will be worth billions in a few centuries and that might mean I can retire a day early but I'm looking for a fast track plan?
Do you do financial as well as emotional and practical advice ?
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My only suggestion, though this is not my main area of expertise, is to put everything into turnip futures. I think we have an expert in this field in the posh bar.
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Trying my patience and good nature like this is not nice. sad32: Many of my clients swear by my advice and see their lives improve. Realistic advice should always be welcome. Instead, I get this!! Sadly, some people do not deserve my help. And this is a free service!! Moreover, I could just stop doing this and let you all blunder abut in a confused state. Of course, I will not do this. angel1 Neither will I cease offering advice to the ungrateful. Get on and ask me more questions.
NEXT!
Full stop followed by "And". Such petulance.
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scared:
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Dear Dr Nick ,
The thought of retiring when I get to 67 depresses the bejiggery out of me.
Obviously I appreciate that the recent 0.25% hike in interest rates will mean that my savings will be worth billions in a few centuries and that might mean I can retire a day early but I'm looking for a fast track plan?
Do you do financial as well as emotional and practical advice ?
Marry a rich bloke! :thumbsup:
Not a cousin... noooo:
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Is it time for my rabbit joke?
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Doctor Nick, please advise
Is it time for your Rabbit joke?
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It is never time for my rabbit joke noooo:
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Doctor Nick, please advise
Is it time for your Rabbit joke?
Did you take my earlier advice or have you spent the day slaving over chores and being criticised? I fear I know the answer noooo:
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Doctor Nick, please advise
Is it time for your Rabbit joke?
Did you take my earlier advice or have you spent the day slaving over chores and being criticised? I fear I know the answer noooo:
She has been mostly knitting all day and watching shite TV, I have actually got on with a few things that needed sorting. It was a score draw until . . . . . . . .
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. .. . Doctor Nick, please advise
For some while my wife has been saying "I can smell gas" in the vicinity of the water boiler. I have of course Poo Poohed this. Today the gas service man turns up (this not being Cyprus) and he says"nah, can't smell gas". But being a proper qualified gas man (this not being Cyprus) he gets out his calibrated Gas Sniffomatic (no, not a dog) which starts making clicking noises. Seems she was right all along and a gas valve had to be replaced.
How do I live this down?
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She was right and you were wrong. There is no escape. You must abase yourself. Lie on the floor face down with your arms outstretched until she tells you that you may stand. Like this:
http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcommunio.stblogs.org%2Fordination.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcommunio.stblogs.org%2F2010%2F04%2F&docid=EYej8QZdGkGvaM&tbnid=iC9O4fr9XDxhDM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwi-wtSU96LXAhXBAMAKHWupDRU4ZBAzCAcoBTAF..i&w=730&h=449&bih=662&biw=1366&q=priests%20abase%20themselves%20AT%20ORDINATION&ved=0ahUKEwi-wtSU96LXAhXBAMAKHWupDRU4ZBAzCAcoBTAF&iact=mrc&uact=8 (http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcommunio.stblogs.org%2Fordination.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcommunio.stblogs.org%2F2010%2F04%2F&docid=EYej8QZdGkGvaM&tbnid=iC9O4fr9XDxhDM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwi-wtSU96LXAhXBAMAKHWupDRU4ZBAzCAcoBTAF..i&w=730&h=449&bih=662&biw=1366&q=priests%20abase%20themselves%20AT%20ORDINATION&ved=0ahUKEwi-wtSU96LXAhXBAMAKHWupDRU4ZBAzCAcoBTAF&iact=mrc&uact=8)
You may then be allowed to kiss her ring
NEXT!
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noooo: seems saying "you were right" works wonders
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noooo: noooo:
They need to be trained out of that, you traitor cussing:
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noooo: noooo:
They need to be trained out of that, you traitor cussing:
It goes like this. I want me Din Dins cooked, me undercrackers washed, me shirts ironed and other stuff.
I ain't stupid
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happy100
Buy a Filipina online cussing:
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happy100
Buy a Filipina online cussing:
I bow to your expertise on such Doctor Nick
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BM told me about it redface:
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Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9: Angry9:
point: point: point:
And...
worthy:
worthy: worthy:
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Banghead
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Trying my patience and good nature like this is not nice. sad32: Many of my clients swear by my advice and see their lives improve. Realistic advice should always be welcome. Instead, I get this!! Sadly, some people do not deserve my help. And this is a free service!! Moreover, I could just stop doing this and let you all blunder abut in a confused state. Of course, I will not do this. angel1 Neither will I cease offering advice to the ungrateful. Get on and ask me more questions.
NEXT!
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
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Dear Dr Nick
How do I stop myself from checking each post for hidden messages? cussing:
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Hello
I suggest you just read the text. Dwelling on hidden messages may mislead you. If you continue to do so, you will miss my best advice angel1 Obviously, some idiots will do this. Try to steer away from this route angel1
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Hello
I suggest you just read the text. Dwelling on hidden messages may mislead you. If you continue to do so, you will miss my best advice angel1 Obviously, some idiots will do this. Try to steer away from this route angel1
:thumbsup:
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cloud9:
Another satisfied customer. I may start charging for this.
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The surgery is open. angel1
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Doctor Nick, please advise
My wife seems to watch murder based dramas way too much. Am I married to a virtual axe murderer and should I be scared2: ?
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Most women are evil and enjoy anything involving agonising death. This interest is to our advantage as it is vicarious. The telly box people screen such dramas in order to protect the male population by allowing wimmin to enjoy murderous fantasies and therefore sublimate such evil fantasies. Make her a tofu sausage roll to bite on while she views and her cup will runneth over.
In other more coded news:
Keep a close eye. If she goes for the knife drawer, run. Let your family know. Later, you can re-enter the house. Have a weapon about your person. Even a screwdriver will do. Ready yourself for a counterattack.
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Most women are evil and enjoy anything involving agonising death. This interest is to our advantage as it is vicarious. The telly box people screen such dramas in order to protect the male population by allowing wimmin to enjoy murderous fantasies and therefore sublimate such evil fantasies. Make her a tofu sausage roll to bite on while she views and her cup will runneth over.
In other more coded news:
Keep a close eye. If she goes for the knife drawer, run. Let your family know. Later, you can re-enter the house. Have a weapon about your person. Even a screwdriver will do. Ready yourself for a counterattack.
lol: lol: lol:
The voices are back! scared2:
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My surgery is open angel1
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Doctor Nick, please advise
How do you stop cats bringing home prey? I don't want that much exercise that early (ever?)
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You can't. This is your fault for keeping killer moggies. You wouldn't even be asking this question if you had a pet bear or crocodile or eagle, would you? No.
Look in the mirror and say, "It is all my own fault."
NEXT!
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Dear Dr Nick
I put a washing on and then discovered an odd sock that was meant to be in the load as well.
Do I wash both socks, meaning sock 1 will be washed twice?
Do I hang dirty sock 2 up and wear it twice?
Should I wash sock 2 and leave sock 1 ?
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I am not interested in your socks lives. What a ridiculous question!!
NEXT
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Dear Dr Nick,
I have feelings of isolation. That I'm being ignored. That I don't exist ?
Please help
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Look in a mirror. If you see a reflection of yourself then you definitely exist.
-
I pass on a message:
Doctor Nick, please advise
When I look in a mirror I see nothing. Is it safe to go out at night now both Peter Cushing and Christopher Lee are dead?
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Tell your "friend" he needs to get out more at night and make some new friends, preferably healthy ones with a good red blood cell count. If he goes clubbing and picks on ones who are bladdered on voddy he can also get pissed for zero expense :thumbsup:
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Tell your "friend" he needs to get out more at night and make some new friends, preferably healthy ones with a good red blood cell count. If he goes clubbing and picks on ones who are bladdered on voddy he can also get pissed for zero expense :thumbsup:
:thumbsup:
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Doctor Nick, please advise
Supermarkets are full of sugar free and no sugar added shite instead of the unhealthy stuff I want to eat and drink. What can be done?
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But some sugar
NEXT!
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But some sugar
NEXT!
That'll be next to have the sugar taken out
Can't we just shoot all the fatties instead?
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The VP will be destroyed noooo:
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The VP will be destroyed noooo:
wot again?
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If you shoot all the fatties. Mind you, BM has a better chance of hitting them with the shotgun scared2:
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Methinks we have different definitions of fatties.
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Shrugs:
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Doctor Nick, please advise
What is the definition of a fattie?
-
Growler
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scared: in case he still reads here
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Doctor Nick, please advise
Where is Growler?
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Up is 'ill sad24:
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Doctor Nick, please advise
When Paul McCartney wrote Fool on the Hill did he have someone in mind?
Nah, scrub that scared:
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Do not tempt me.
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I have a couple of spare appointments this morning in case any of you is suffering from some interesting emotional trauma or embarrassing medical condition. angel1
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I have a couple of spare appointments this morning in case any of you is suffering from some interesting emotional trauma or embarrassing medical condition. angel1
Can you help with Pebble Dashing...? rubschin:
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No
NEXT!
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sad32: sad32: sad32:
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I have a couple of spare appointments this morning in case any of you is suffering from some interesting emotional trauma or embarrassing medical condition. angel1
Can you help with Pebble Dashing...? rubschin:
I told you: Pepto Bismol
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OI, I give advice here cussing: cussing:
Pepto Bismol, or Kaolin and Morphine if you feel brave eveilgrin:
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OI, I give advice here cussing: cussing:
Pepto Bismol, or Kaolin and Morphine if you feel brave eveilgrin:
I'm past that... thinking of trying Rad Weld next.... noooo:
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My lovely thread is being ruined cussing: cussing: cussing: cussing:
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Doctor Nick, please advise
Every week I go ten pin bowling. Even though I am not exactly brilliant I keep thrashing my fellow bowlers but they refuse all offers of help. Should I (secretly) laugh at them, sympathise or deliberately bowl badly?
-
Automatic Out of Office reply:
I am shut, so fvck off.
If your enquiry is about anything sporting, post it in the Sports Bar. evil:
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Automatic Out of Order reply:
I am a fuckwit, so shove off.
If your enquiry is about anything sporting, post it in the Sports Bar. evil:
whistle:
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Naughty step for you evil:
I am only dealing with the most urgent and embarrassing cases today. angel1
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Naughty step for you evil:
I am only dealing with the most urgent and embarrassing cases today. angel1
You have a mirror do you...? whistle:
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Spank2: Spank2: Spank2: Spank2:
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Naughty step for you evil:
I am only dealing with the most urgent and embarrassing cases today. angel1
You have a mirror do you...? whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
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Naughty step for you evil:
I am only dealing with the most urgent and embarrassing cases today. angel1
You have a mirror do you...? whistle:
lol: lol: lol:
lol: lol: lol: lol:
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Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Come on VPers and I will advise angel1
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Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Come on VPers and I will advise angel1
This is confidential right...? rubschin:
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Of course. Pour your little heart out angel1
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Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Come on VPers and I will advise angel1
Wimmin will ask for advice from absolutely anyone until they hear what they want to.
They must be near the bottom of the barrel if they are asking you.
Get every question down to a binary choice, then toss a coin. :thumbsup:
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redface: Miss I heard what she wanted to hear and Suzi ignored the advice and came a cropper.
You are right, Mr Darwin, sir. but I am keen to resolve BM's woes angel1
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Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Come on VPers and I will advise angel1
Wimmin will ask for advice from absolutely anyone until they hear what they want to.
They must be near the bottom of the barrel if they are asking you.
Get every question down to a binary choice, then toss a coin. :thumbsup:
happy001
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Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Come on VPers and I will advise angel1
This is confidential right...? rubschin:
I am very empathetic. Confess all.
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Miss I (and other wimmin) are consulting me a lot lately, so I felt it right to re-open this as I am on point :thumbsup: :thumbsup:
Come on VPers and I will advise angel1
This is confidential right...? rubschin:
I am very empathetic. Confess all.
I reckon you'll blab... noooo:
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No. No one will know angel1
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Re opened during the current difficulties. Confess your problems and I will offer top notch advice, like :thumbsup:
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Re opened during the current difficulties. Confess your problems and I will offer top notch advice, like :thumbsup:
Dear Dr Nick.
I'm finding that I'm getting a bit of a headache due to the amount of tea and coffee I am drinking, soooo...
How many hours after waking is it acceptable to have a livener ?
-
My elderly pal Apey frequently has a livener shortly after his breakfast at about 3 p.m.
I think you need to cut down on your caffeine intake and stick to plant based beverages such as beer and wine. They are part of your 15 a day :thumbsup:
NEXT!
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Dear Dr Nick
The price of wine is going up because of excessive consumption by Team Collapso. What can be done about this?
A Pensioner
-
I find Tesco Collapso is well within my means, but you may be poor. BM has excellent and safe recipes for home beer production (non-explosive, mostly) and I have good advice in the Restaurant thread for making wine using readily available materials such as potatoes and cat food. The Greeks have been making wine (Retsina) out of Dettol for generations. Buy Dettol, add yeast, wait a couple of days and Stavros is yer uncle :thumbsup:
NEXT!
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Dr Nick
I'm convinced my new neighbour is trying to kill me. What can I do?
Mr Rat
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Dear Dr Nick,
I'm worried that the love of my life may be cheating on me as he keeps taking lunch around to an older woman and hasn't talked about us going on holiday again once the lockdown lifts. What should I do?
Nod.
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Dr Nick
I'm convinced my new neighbour is trying to kill me. What can I do?
Mr Rat
He is kind and has put out some food for you. Enjoy it!
-
Dear Dr Nick,
I'm worried that the love of my life may be cheating on me as he keeps taking lunch around to an older woman and hasn't talked about us going on holiday again once the lockdown lifts. What should I do?
Nod.
I advise you to grow up. You can easily get a train to Skegness and spend a week in a lovely caravan.
NEXT!
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Dear Dr Nick,
I'm worried that the love of my life may be cheating on me as he keeps taking lunch around to an older woman and hasn't talked about us going on holiday again once the lockdown lifts. What should I do?
Nod.
I advise you to grow up. You can easily get a train to Skegness and spend a week in a lovely caravan.
NEXT!
What has Nod done to deserve a week in that shitehole? eeek:
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My surgery is open angel1
-
Dr Nick
On one forum I am apparently a racist git for challenging accusations of institutional racism, on another I'm apparently a far lefty multiculturalist bastard for challenging racism and in this pub I get told off if I make unpopular political points . . . .
. . . so Dr Nick what do you advise, collapso or beer?
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Collapso, and lots of it :thumbsup:
That way you won't care what anyone thinks :thumbsup:
NEXT!
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Collapso, and lots of it :thumbsup:
That way you won't care what anyone thinks :thumbsup:
NEXT!
Whash you ssaysh?
-
My prescriptions and advice ALWAYS work angel1