The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Berek on April 08, 2008, 02:56:04 PM
-
anyone see it last night ?? a tranny with a cheesecake !!
he looked like a cross between lilly Savage and Myra Hindley
-
eeek: I must have missed that ~ I'm sure I would have remembered.
-
Bugger, for a moment I thought we were going to hear of you exploits emptying the one remaning non 24 hour tesco in the country. whistle:
-
18 hours on from the OP and I am still in the dark. noooo:
-
18 hours on from the OP and I am still in the dark. noooo:
Take the dark shades off then, Beagle.
-
18 hours on from the OP and I am still in the dark. noooo:
Take the dark shades off then, Beagle.
Tried that but I still don't know WTF Berek was on about surrender:
-
Me too rubschin:
-
Me three, actually redface:
Anybody got any good jokes or pictures? I'm totally bored sh1tless at work.
-
http://www.ricochet.co.uk/html/progs/progs-tescos-2008.htm
Dont if the tranny is in this article. I didnt watch it.
-
http://allfunnystuff.com/content.php?type=recent&iid=3021&cid=29 (http://allfunnystuff.com/content.php?type=recent&iid=3021&cid=29)
-
All blocked by the office firewall.
I wasn't invited to the Senior Manager briefing today (due to the "tone" of the minutes I issued following it last week), so I can't even waste half an hour doing more piss-taking minutes. No PCs have gone bang. All printers are working. All photocopiers are working. All vending machines are working. Bored, bored, bored. Wonder if I can persuade Mrs TMR (to be) to join me in the PC training room for some "close coaching"...
-
eeek:
What exactly was it about those "minutes"?
I hate meetings! evil:
I was once sent out of a meeting for "insolence" (I was 42 at the time)!
Someone posed the rhetorical question about the relationship between the CEO and the Deputy CEO. I suggested that the latter was the CEO's "representative on Earth".
I forgot that the CEO was chairing the meeting redface:
Later the same week I managed to insult one of the Directors in a public meeting. How was I to know she was Virginia Bottomely's mother?
-
http://www.ricochet.co.uk/html/progs/progs-tescos-2008.htm
Dont if the tranny is in this article. I didnt watch it.
Thanks TG ~ you have shed light into my darkness ....... another bloody cookery programme where the "judges" display their total ignorance and appaling manners and think they are f*cking clever.
Frankly I find these programmes a complete turn off. I enjoy watching and learning from those who can (i) cook and (ii) have made money at it (AWT HF-W, JO even RS but especially NL eyes:) but Master Chef has put me off of these competitive cook-outs. In particular the shouting "Ingredients Consultant" with the large mouth who likes to take huge forksfull of food and shovel them in whilst talking through his arse ~ who turns out to be a greengrocer.
-
eeek:
What exactly was it about those "minutes"?
I hate meetings! evil:
Me an' all.
I used to go, reluctantly, to meetings that lasted half an hour but somehow produced minutes that took me an hour to read ~ none of the minutes ever bore the slightest resemblance to my memory of the meeting so I stopped going and just worked from the minutes that still circulated to me whether I'd been there or not.
-
My last place of work was run by committee.I realised that I was on 17 of the bastards. evil:
I stopped going to any of them evil:
-
eeek:
What exactly was it about those "minutes"?
I hate meetings! evil:
Me an' all.
I used to go, reluctantly, to meetings that lasted half an hour but somehow produced minutes that took me an hour to read ~ none of the minutes ever bore the slightest resemblance to my memory of the meeting so I stopped going and just worked from the minutes that still circulated to me whether I'd been there or not.
Thirded... I loathe meetings... noooo:
-
Definition of a committee:
20 people who all want A, but agree to compromise on B evil:
-
eeek:
What exactly was it about those "minutes"?
I hate meetings! evil:
Me an' all.
I used to go, reluctantly, to meetings that lasted half an hour but somehow produced minutes that took me an hour to read ~ none of the minutes ever bore the slightest resemblance to my memory of the meeting so I stopped going and just worked from the minutes that still circulated to me whether I'd been there or not.
Thirded... I loathe meetings... noooo:
In my early days in sales ('bout 1971 ish) with a company now long vanished in the corporate takeover fest of the early 80s I was summoned to attend a meeting in a large hotel on the Hogs Back, Surrey (I am sure many of you will know it)
We were there for two days and the last afternoon (3 hours) was given over to the Company Accountant who wanted to impress upon us that the x20fold Greenshield stamps we were all collecting at the time whenever we filled our company cars should in fact belong to the company and he would be obliged if we would stop seeking out these "deals" and fill up at cheaper filling stations that didn't offer stamps. This took him 2 hours and then he went onto describe how to complete an expense claim form. We all walked out. 16 of us were made redundant three weeks later.
-
When my redundancy was announced to me in Jan 97 I was so thrilled that I sympathised with the CEOs discomfiture at telling me. I was later told that it had been thought that I hadn't understood what I was being told!
Oh yes I did. £30K tax free and another £20K taxed, to get out of a job I had been trying to leave for 2 years!!
cloud9:
-
When they "retired" me they gave me 6 months "gardening leave", use of the company car and petrol card, PPP cover etc for the 6 months and two days later called to offer me "consultancy work" for a year at a "negotiated" rate over and above the salary I was getting for the six months
Would have been cheaper to have kept me on.::)
-
Many years ago I was taken on a select corporate freebie:
1. Lunch at Rules (look it up)
2.Limo to Wembley
3.Box for International Rugby
4. Limo back to Rules for dinner
All on someone's corporate credit card
I called him on the Monday to thank him
"Mr H No longer works for this company"
He too, was on gardening leave!! lol:
-
It's the only way ~ Fvck the bosses!
-
Here are the minutes in question. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I sent them to a few "select" colleagues, however, someone obviously forwarded it to "the enemy", hence my rapped knuckles last week. They're not that offensive, are they?
"As the fag-butts tumbled their way across the road to the monolithic B & Q, the 9 o'clock gathering in the Boardroom assembled. The energy and excitement crackled in the air with as much enthusiasm as it would have in a temporary morgue in the Somme. Yours truly checked his watch, to make sure it wasn't the 1st April and that MC wasn't playing a bad joke on him.
And so to business...
Dominic was first in the MD’s spotlight and he started friskily boasting Offer turn around times of 65% and still a goodly number of new apps - even those shackled by the new criteria. He was trying hard, you have to admire his spirit, but then he turned to the subject of the outplacement activities currently underway and his eyes slowly turned to those more reminiscent in Salem's Lot. He was a beaten man - but dammit, he tried.
Next up was Cathy and the state of play railway side, 3rd floor. Everything was "fine". The amount of switcher business exceeded the target for the year. All the "Redundancy Stage 1s are done". Although said with gusto, the words rang hollow and her eyes danced across the assembled Morlocks in search of the first flesh-eater waiting to pick at the exposed meat of her vapid comments. None were forthcoming, her sigh palpable.
3rd floor, B&Q side next, Christine assumed the expression of a whipped dog when revealing that repossessions were now 88% higher than this time last year - at a whole - wait for it - 74 cases!!! In total!!! Yours truly stifled the urge to p155 himself laughing, remembering the "good old days" of 1991/2, where we would get more than 74 new cases per week. I made a note to request an oxygen cylinder and mask in the Boardroom, lest someone go into shock next time such devastating results are announced. Debt Recovery has now employed Receivers to collect the rent on B2L cases - this is working well and all new Litigation cases from 01/04 are now being outsourced. I thought the current trend was to bury the bad news in the good news, not the other way round...still, I'm left-handed, what would I know...
Last up Ann-Marie advised that the FSA had still not decided on a date on which to descend on the Compliance. No-one batted an eyelid...does anyone really give a hoot what that toothless army of ignoramuses thinks of us, when we will all be out the door before too long?
The "round the table update" had chief accountant Kieron slightly rattled when the MD asked him "if the auditors (PWC) would actually know anything about the nature of our business, this time" - this was skilfully deflected with some bean-counteresque mumbling, rabid note writing and furious nodding. Beads of sweat glistened on his shiny head. I wasn't sure whether to applaud, or to stick him on the rear parcel shelf of the Lexus.
I briefly spouted off about the lift re-furb, the "Playschoolisation" of the meeting, Dell Optiplex GX270s that are blowing up with tedious regularity and the “muppetry” of some of the user, who should be allowed nothing more complex in life than a knife and fork. The head of Personnel stared at me with the Medusa eyes. I blew him an imaginary kiss.
And then it was over. Nineteen minutes of my life that I will NEVER get back. I was sorely tempted to go outside, smoke a fag, watch is tumble over to B&Q and then shoot myself gently in the back of the head."
-
I see what they mean eeek:
-
Here are the minutes in question. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I sent them to a few "select" colleagues, however, someone obviously forwarded it to "the enemy", hence my rapped knuckles last week. They're not that offensive, are they?
"As the fag-butts tumbled their way across the road to the monolithic B & Q, the 9 o'clock gathering in the Boardroom assembled. The energy and excitement crackled in the air with as much enthusiasm as it would have in a temporary morgue in the Somme. Yours truly checked his watch, to make sure it wasn't the 1st April and that MC wasn't playing a bad joke on him.
And so to business...
Dominic was first in the MD’s spotlight and he started friskily boasting Offer turn around times of 65% and still a goodly number of new apps - even those shackled by the new criteria. He was trying hard, you have to admire his spirit, but then he turned to the subject of the outplacement activities currently underway and his eyes slowly turned to those more reminiscent in Salem's Lot. He was a beaten man - but dammit, he tried.
Next up was Cathy and the state of play railway side, 3rd floor. Everything was "fine". The amount of switcher business exceeded the target for the year. All the "Redundancy Stage 1s are done". Although said with gusto, the words rang hollow and her eyes danced across the assembled Morlocks in search of the first flesh-eater waiting to pick at the exposed meat of her vapid comments. None were forthcoming, her sigh palpable.
3rd floor, B&Q side next, Christine assumed the expression of a whipped dog when revealing that repossessions were now 88% higher than this time last year - at a whole - wait for it - 74 cases!!! In total!!! Yours truly stifled the urge to p155 himself laughing, remembering the "good old days" of 1991/2, where we would get more than 74 new cases per week. I made a note to request an oxygen cylinder and mask in the Boardroom, lest someone go into shock next time such devastating results are announced. Debt Recovery has now employed Receivers to collect the rent on B2L cases - this is working well and all new Litigation cases from 01/04 are now being outsourced. I thought the current trend was to bury the bad news in the good news, not the other way round...still, I'm left-handed, what would I know...
Last up Ann-Marie advised that the FSA had still not decided on a date on which to descend on the Compliance. No-one batted an eyelid...does anyone really give a hoot what that toothless army of ignoramuses thinks of us, when we will all be out the door before too long?
The "round the table update" had chief accountant Kieron slightly rattled when the MD asked him "if the auditors (PWC) would actually know anything about the nature of our business, this time" - this was skilfully deflected with some bean-counteresque mumbling, rabid note writing and furious nodding. Beads of sweat glistened on his shiny head. I wasn't sure whether to applaud, or to stick him on the rear parcel shelf of the Lexus.
I briefly spouted off about the lift re-furb, the "Playschoolisation" of the meeting, Dell Optiplex GX270s that are blowing up with tedious regularity and the “muppetry” of some of the user, who should be allowed nothing more complex in life than a knife and fork. The head of Personnel stared at me with the Medusa eyes. I blew him an imaginary kiss.
And then it was over. Nineteen minutes of my life that I will NEVER get back. I was sorely tempted to go outside, smoke a fag, watch is tumble over to B&Q and then shoot myself gently in the back of the head."
happ096
-
You are Dilbert and I claim my fiver lol:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.inspirationline.com%2Fimages%2Fdilbert2.jpg&hash=e7326a0961fc6ed7b64fdf5293a04e6cfa5bdbc6)
-
Here are the minutes in question. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I sent them to a few "select" colleagues, however, someone obviously forwarded it to "the enemy", hence my rapped knuckles last week. They're not that offensive, are they?
"As the fag-butts tumbled their way across the road to the monolithic B & Q, the 9 o'clock gathering in the Boardroom assembled. The energy and excitement crackled in the air with as much enthusiasm as it would have in a temporary morgue in the Somme. Yours truly checked his watch, to make sure it wasn't the 1st April and that MC wasn't playing a bad joke on him.
And so to business...
Dominic was first in the MD’s spotlight and he started friskily boasting Offer turn around times of 65% and still a goodly number of new apps - even those shackled by the new criteria. He was trying hard, you have to admire his spirit, but then he turned to the subject of the outplacement activities currently underway and his eyes slowly turned to those more reminiscent in Salem's Lot. He was a beaten man - but dammit, he tried.
Next up was Cathy and the state of play railway side, 3rd floor. Everything was "fine". The amount of switcher business exceeded the target for the year. All the "Redundancy Stage 1s are done". Although said with gusto, the words rang hollow and her eyes danced across the assembled Morlocks in search of the first flesh-eater waiting to pick at the exposed meat of her vapid comments. None were forthcoming, her sigh palpable.
3rd floor, B&Q side next, Christine assumed the expression of a whipped dog when revealing that repossessions were now 88% higher than this time last year - at a whole - wait for it - 74 cases!!! In total!!! Yours truly stifled the urge to p155 himself laughing, remembering the "good old days" of 1991/2, where we would get more than 74 new cases per week. I made a note to request an oxygen cylinder and mask in the Boardroom, lest someone go into shock next time such devastating results are announced. Debt Recovery has now employed Receivers to collect the rent on B2L cases - this is working well and all new Litigation cases from 01/04 are now being outsourced. I thought the current trend was to bury the bad news in the good news, not the other way round...still, I'm left-handed, what would I know...
Last up Ann-Marie advised that the FSA had still not decided on a date on which to descend on the Compliance. No-one batted an eyelid...does anyone really give a hoot what that toothless army of ignoramuses thinks of us, when we will all be out the door before too long?
The "round the table update" had chief accountant Kieron slightly rattled when the MD asked him "if the auditors (PWC) would actually know anything about the nature of our business, this time" - this was skilfully deflected with some bean-counteresque mumbling, rabid note writing and furious nodding. Beads of sweat glistened on his shiny head. I wasn't sure whether to applaud, or to stick him on the rear parcel shelf of the Lexus.
I briefly spouted off about the lift re-furb, the "Playschoolisation" of the meeting, Dell Optiplex GX270s that are blowing up with tedious regularity and the “muppetry” of some of the user, who should be allowed nothing more complex in life than a knife and fork. The head of Personnel stared at me with the Medusa eyes. I blew him an imaginary kiss.
And then it was over. Nineteen minutes of my life that I will NEVER get back. I was sorely tempted to go outside, smoke a fag, watch is tumble over to B&Q and then shoot myself gently in the back of the head."
happ096
When is your leaving date?
-
Here are the minutes in question. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I sent them to a few "select" colleagues, however, someone obviously forwarded it to "the enemy", hence my rapped knuckles last week. They're not that offensive, are they?
"As the fag-butts tumbled their way across the road to the monolithic B & Q, the 9 o'clock gathering in the Boardroom assembled. The energy and excitement crackled in the air with as much enthusiasm as it would have in a temporary morgue in the Somme. Yours truly checked his watch, to make sure it wasn't the 1st April and that MC wasn't playing a bad joke on him.
And so to business...
Dominic was first in the MD’s spotlight and he started friskily boasting Offer turn around times of 65% and still a goodly number of new apps - even those shackled by the new criteria. He was trying hard, you have to admire his spirit, but then he turned to the subject of the outplacement activities currently underway and his eyes slowly turned to those more reminiscent in Salem's Lot. He was a beaten man - but dammit, he tried.
Next up was Cathy and the state of play railway side, 3rd floor. Everything was "fine". The amount of switcher business exceeded the target for the year. All the "Redundancy Stage 1s are done". Although said with gusto, the words rang hollow and her eyes danced across the assembled Morlocks in search of the first flesh-eater waiting to pick at the exposed meat of her vapid comments. None were forthcoming, her sigh palpable.
3rd floor, B&Q side next, Christine assumed the expression of a whipped dog when revealing that repossessions were now 88% higher than this time last year - at a whole - wait for it - 74 cases!!! In total!!! Yours truly stifled the urge to p155 himself laughing, remembering the "good old days" of 1991/2, where we would get more than 74 new cases per week. I made a note to request an oxygen cylinder and mask in the Boardroom, lest someone go into shock next time such devastating results are announced. Debt Recovery has now employed Receivers to collect the rent on B2L cases - this is working well and all new Litigation cases from 01/04 are now being outsourced. I thought the current trend was to bury the bad news in the good news, not the other way round...still, I'm left-handed, what would I know...
Last up Ann-Marie advised that the FSA had still not decided on a date on which to descend on the Compliance. No-one batted an eyelid...does anyone really give a hoot what that toothless army of ignoramuses thinks of us, when we will all be out the door before too long?
The "round the table update" had chief accountant Kieron slightly rattled when the MD asked him "if the auditors (PWC) would actually know anything about the nature of our business, this time" - this was skilfully deflected with some bean-counteresque mumbling, rabid note writing and furious nodding. Beads of sweat glistened on his shiny head. I wasn't sure whether to applaud, or to stick him on the rear parcel shelf of the Lexus.
I briefly spouted off about the lift re-furb, the "Playschoolisation" of the meeting, Dell Optiplex GX270s that are blowing up with tedious regularity and the “muppetry” of some of the user, who should be allowed nothing more complex in life than a knife and fork. The head of Personnel stared at me with the Medusa eyes. I blew him an imaginary kiss.
And then it was over. Nineteen minutes of my life that I will NEVER get back. I was sorely tempted to go outside, smoke a fag, watch is tumble over to B&Q and then shoot myself gently in the back of the head."
happ096
When is your leaving date?
I am leaving? eeek:
-
Not you you bald tit!
-
Not you you bald tit!
Phew... sad24:
-
I see what they mean eeek:
Some people have no sense of humour noooo:
"Official" leaving date is when the building closes - 31st March next year. Any time after July would suit me fine though.
My minutes have always been like that and the reason is that I know people actually read them when they are like that. I've been doing it for years!
-
Boredom interrupted by a few lunctime pints.
And Snoopy, will you please stop likening me to Dilbert. I have feelings, you know :-)
-
surrender: Sorry!
-
He is like Dilbert, though
eveilgrin:
-
Picture blocked by the firewall or summat. Consider yourself smote eveilgrin:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.postimage.org%2FaV1cvqdJ.jpg&hash=882d42fe17e1099375f274880a7b8f93f0f4897c) (http://www.postimage.org/image.php?v=aV1cvqdJ)