The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => The Commons => Topic started by: Nick on July 02, 2008, 12:03:25 PM
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I have been reflecting on this much of late.
I have no family to speak of, only relatives (with whom I have much in common as much of hte contents of my fruit bowl, genetically speaking)
Acquaintances (lots, and good for a laugh and some socialising)
Friends? I reckon I have about 7 people who I have accumulated during my life (8 till Sammi died sad24:) with whom I can discuss ANYTHING.I could turn up on their doorstep at any time and be taken in, without question. They could do the same here, and sometimes have.
Is 7 enough? Am I lucky to have that many? Are they lucky to have me (or you, if you have friends)?
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That's many more than I have.
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happy100
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Personally I think you are lucky to have that many. Without counting family I think there is only one individual who I could count on to do that for me. Having said that Mr Wench and I are the safe haven for quite a lot of people so perhaps it is just that there is only one person who I think would that I would be happy asking.
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That's many more than I have.
Or want eveilgrin:
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I am interested in this.Mrs Nick maintains a network telephonically. Shee sees them as friends, but they aren't my friends so I view them differently. I reckon she has (in the turn up on your doorstep and demands TLC as opposed to phone chats) 4, maybe 3.
Perhaps I ain't so badly off rubschin:
Some folks claim loads. And one can see at, say, funerals (as I recently saw) loads of so called freinds turning up, But they aren't. Friendship is an intereseting and slippery concept. There are books wrriten about lurv, partnership, marriage. Friendship? I must go and have a look. There could be a book in this
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Mr Wench and I have a lot of friends. People we see regularlly, that I email/facebook/text/talk to most weeks. However, that doesn't mean to say that I think I know them well enough or am comfortable enough with them to think that in a crisis they would help.
I've found in the past that even those who you think you can rely on you can't when the chips are down. Those people are very few and far between and if you have that many Nick you should truly count yourself as blessed.
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i have quite a lot of close family, well in liverpool/runcorn/wales etc, but only tend to speak to my own kids obviously and my one sis, and they all on fb too, so you would think that would keep em in touch
i dont have that many friends here about three i could really confide in, and work collegeous too
funerals are strange as why does everyone love you when you dead but cudent give you five mins time in life...very sad... scared2:
but my bestest friend is my hubby of course... eyes:
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Ta, but I am not looking for praise (sorry if that sounds chippy)
Continuing the thought, if the chips are down, who can you rely on. Call. Ask for help. Turn up unannounced. Get unquestioning and unqualified help and love from?
I now think of longevity:
A 1960
J 1979
S 1974 (now dead)
A 1986
F 1991
J 19whenever (now dead)
T 1988
C 1966
J 1999
N 2002
It don't semm alot in 53 years. Or are we more tightly bound up in ourselves than we like to think?
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I know a great many people ...... the Christmas Card list runs to well over a hundred and fifty despite savage and regular pruning but I have never encouraged close friendships. They can be too demanding and when marriages go wrong both they and you have to make choices.
My best and probably only close friend is my brother (and he bloody infuriates me) but in the tell him anything, rely on his honesty, depend on his being there when needed definition.... he is the one.
You want a friend? ~ Buy a dog. A lifelong guarantee of devotion and unquestioning love.
People, forget them, they'll let you down in the end.
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Wasn't attempting to give you any praise Nick ;) just to point out that it isn't as common as you would like to think.
Longevity has a lot to do with it but having said that the two non-family members I would count on one is someone I met eight years ago and the other three. But then I am only 29 so perhaps my scope isn't as great as yours is.
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rubschin:
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Longevity has a lot to do with it but having said that the two non-family members I would count on one is someone I met eight years ago and the other three. But then I am only 29 so perhaps my scope isn't as great as yours is.
I have moved too often I think, working it out this is the longest I have ever lived anywhere since the age of 15. We came here in May 2001. Between 1963 when I left home, three months before my sixteenth birthday, and moving here I have had 25 homes.
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I think that has a lot to do with it too. My Brother and I don't make good friends easily. After moving around a lot we don't trust people easily and do tend to rely on each other for support of the nature Nick is talking about. Especially with my parents living in Spain while were at uni. He probably has two or three uni mates that he could count on these days. But because I dropped out I lost that.
I lost close school and uni friends when I dropped out because they didn't understand why I was doing it and we had nothing in common anymore.
I lost another lot when my Dad died and no one seemed to know what to say to me.
Then when we poor and couldn't afford to do anything I lost most of the rest.
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SO have I.But we have the phone. And my friends move too.Proximity ain't the be all..............
Last shout I got was from my mate T in Devon who found his wife in bed with some other bloke.He called from Llandrindod Wells seeking solace (and a washing machine) and ended up here for about a month. Without question
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Then when we poor and couldn't afford to do anything I lost most of the rest.
But you do seem to be learning to type Scouse whistle:
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I think that has a lot to do with it too. My Brother and I don't make good friends easily. After moving around a lot we don't trust people easily and do tend to rely on each other for support of the nature Nick is talking about. Especially with my parents living in Spain while were at uni. He probably has two or three uni mates that he could count on these days. But because I dropped out I lost that.
I lost close school and uni friends when I dropped out because they didn't understand why I was doing it and we had nothing in common anymore.
I lost another lot when my Dad died and no one seemed to know what to say to me.
Then when we poor and couldn't afford to do anything I lost most of the rest.
Then when we poor and couldn't afford to do anything I lost most of the rest.
Which is exactly when you need them!
SO sad
I could not survive without my real friends. The effing SIL turned up for the Boy's birthday last night (like Lady Bounteous). Effing family. We didn't even invite her in
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SO have I.But we have the phone. And my friends move too.Proximity ain't the be all..............
Last shout I got was from my mate T in Devon who found his wife in bed with some other bloke.He called from Llandrindod Wells seeking solace (and a washing machine) and ended up here for about a month. Without question
Indeed it isn't, for me, but some people my age seem to find great difficulty in keeping up a friendship if you aren't out on the lash with them every weekend. Which isn't always feasible.
We had a friend of Mr Wench's live with us for about six weeks when he was down on his luck. He lives in Manchester now. Mr Wench called to see if he could spend the night there a few months ago when he missed his train back and was told it wasn't convenient. Similar things have happened to Mr Wench before and he now feels what is the point in keeping up with mates if they are happy to leave you in the shit.
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I think that has a lot to do with it too. My Brother and I don't make good friends easily. After moving around a lot we don't trust people easily and do tend to rely on each other for support of the nature Nick is talking about. Especially with my parents living in Spain while were at uni. He probably has two or three uni mates that he could count on these days. But because I dropped out I lost that.
I lost close school and uni friends when I dropped out because they didn't understand why I was doing it and we had nothing in common anymore.
I lost another lot when my Dad died and no one seemed to know what to say to me.
Then when we poor and couldn't afford to do anything I lost most of the rest.
Then when we poor and couldn't afford to do anything I lost most of the rest.
Which is exactly when you need them!
SO sad
I could not survive without my real friends. The effing SIL turned up for the Boy's birthday last night (like Lady Bounteous). Effing family. We didn't even invite her in
Exactly! Most disapointed in a couple of them as I'd known them since I was really young. It was heartbreaking in it's way.
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I think that has a lot to do with it too. My Brother and I don't make good friends easily. After moving around a lot we don't trust people easily and do tend to rely on each other for support of the nature Nick is talking about. Especially with my parents living in Spain while were at uni. He probably has two or three uni mates that he could count on these days. But because I dropped out I lost that.
I lost close school and uni friends when I dropped out because they didn't understand why I was doing it and we had nothing in common anymore.
I lost another lot when my Dad died and no one seemed to know what to say to me.
Then when we poor and couldn't afford to do anything I lost most of the rest.
Then when we poor and couldn't afford to do anything I lost most of the rest.
Which is exactly when you need them!
SO sad
I could not survive without my real friends. The effing SIL turned up for the Boy's birthday last night (like Lady Bounteous). Effing family. We didn't even invite her in
TBH If you lost friends because you were too poor to go out and share their activities then they weren't real friends anyway. Better off without them I'd say because they were only acquaintances.
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A reply which drives to the heart of the discussion!
Seriously!
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Which is what I thought once the tears had dried up Snoop.
I now have a cull every couple of years. Friends that don't pull their weight get cut out. In all honesty I don't have the time for them and I don't see myself having anymore time in the future if anything less.
If you can't treat me in the way that I would treat you then I'm not interested in having you as my friend and you are undeserving of my friendship.
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Which is what I thought once the tears had dried up Snoop.
I now have a cull every couple of years. Friends that don't pull their weight get cut out. In all honesty I don't have the time for them and I don't see myself having anymore time in the future if anything less.
If you can't treat me in the way that I would treat you then I'm not interested in having you as my friend and you are undeserving of my friendship.
We are now getting towards a definition. But, seriously, what does "pull their weight " mean?
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Which is what I thought once the tears had dried up Snoop.
I now have a cull every couple of years. Friends that don't pull their weight get cut out. In all honesty I don't have the time for them and I don't see myself having anymore time in the future if anything less.
If you can't treat me in the way that I would treat you then I'm not interested in having you as my friend and you are undeserving of my friendship.
We are now getting towards a definition. But, seriously, what does "pull their weight " mean?
(i) Never question ... just accept
(ii) Never look for thanks ..... refuse to take it
(iii) Never be too busy ..... be available
(iv) Never ask if you can help .... just do it
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Difficult to deffine. Normally if I feel like I am the one making all the effort. If you are always at mine, if you never call me, never email me that sort of thing, cancel plans for a better offer. These are everyday friends if you like. People that I know I know now but doubt I will in five, ten years time. Some cross the boundry into "when the chips are down" friends but not. That catergory actually get cut more slack than the others because they have proven their worth.
Kerist I sound mercenary.
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Which is what I thought once the tears had dried up Snoop.
I now have a cull every couple of years. Friends that don't pull their weight get cut out. In all honesty I don't have the time for them and I don't see myself having anymore time in the future if anything less.
If you can't treat me in the way that I would treat you then I'm not interested in having you as my friend and you are undeserving of my friendship.
We are now getting towards a definition. But, seriously, what does "pull their weight " mean?
(i) Never question ... just accept
(ii) Never look for thanks ..... refuse to take it
(iii) Never be too busy ..... be available
(iv) Never ask if you can help .... just do it
That's it in a nutshell!
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Snoopy has it. Others may add.
I think this is more important than Slotgobs weasseling.
It is about life!
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Looking at it from a different angle what with the moving etc in the past your family were always your back-up and go to in a crisis. With the migratory society that we have now that is no longer true. So really in today's modern society should you expect to have more than a handful of reliable of close friends? You wouldn't expect more than a handful of family so why should your "adoptive" family be any different?
Also, with today's disposable society no one expects to have anything last more than three or fours years. Why should relationships be anymore longlasting. No one expects marriages to last longer than 10/15 years why do we expect more of our friends?
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People are more important. Not sure why, But that is all we have. What is gossip about? What is work about? Whatis life about?
Remove people and you haven't got a lot left.
After that it is all about nice, horid, indifferent or occasional (or cyber).
In the end, who will help? There are 8 billion of us. Who can help? Or are they all out for themselves all the time?IN which case we should paci it all in and die off
Are we saying that FaceBook is a substitue for real friends?
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I think it largely depends what you want to get out of relationships and, perhaps more importantly, what you are prepared to put into them. For my own part I am, I suspect, too self absorbed and frankly downright selfish to allow anyone to get too close. At least that is what both my wives have told me.
I would like to think that there is more to life than Facebook et al but for some that works.
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One could say the same about this place? Just because people are cyber does it make it any less real?
I think that facebook et al are what you make of them. The two friends I was talking about are regularlly on facebook and we often gossip through there. In fact one of them I very rarely speak to on the phone it is all cyber apart from the once or twice a week I see her.
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I think it largely depends what you want to get out of relationships and, perhaps more importantly, what you are prepared to put into them. For my own part I am, I suspect, too self absorbed and frankly downright selfish to allow anyone to get too close. At least that is what both my wives have told me.
I would like to think that there is more to life than Facebook et al but for some that works.
But social networking is all this site is really when you come down to it.
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I think it largely depends what you want to get out of relationships and, perhaps more importantly, what you are prepared to put into them. For my own part I am, I suspect, too self absorbed and frankly downright selfish to allow anyone to get too close. At least that is what both my wives have told me.
I would like to think that there is more to life than Facebook et al but for some that works.
But social networking is all this site is really when you come down to it.
Indeed ~ and since I am mostly housebound it works for me. Mrs S#2 sees my time on here as similar to when I went to work everyday. That is why she doesn't come in here herself. This is my place and the banter that goes on is the same as if I was at work. She frankly would rather not know what goes on day to day but would be happy to attend the "works annual dinner"
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Facebook isn't a substitute for 'real' friends but more of another way of interacting with other people. Same as these types of forum, same as your local pub or your workplace.
Other people is what make life worthwhile. The nearer to your definition of friend they are the better but just being around other people is good.
I think we are a bit of a "herd animal" at heart.
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Personally I'd be happy just at home with a computer and a webcam. redface: People would be more than welcome to come and visit but I'd be most content never to go out amongst the general public.
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Did you not enjoy being at Wembley recently?
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Did you not enjoy being at Wembley recently?
I suppose so. But if I didn't have to go out to work it would be a fair tradeoff!
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To turn Sartre around ~ "Heaven is other people"
Not sure if I truly subscribe to my own argument though rubschin:
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Did you not enjoy being at Wembley recently?
I suppose so. But if I didn't have to go out to work it would be a fair tradeoff!
Ah ~ There's the rub ~ work.
Problem with work is you don't get to choose your work colleagues. I was once "spoken to" by my MD for my alleged anti social behaviour because I would not attend work related social functions. My response was that "Just because I have to work with these people doesn't mean I have to like them". When he questioned that attitude I went on to explain that "They are not the sort of people I would, in the normal course of events, know socially". He then stupidly (IMHO) asked if that included the directors. My silence probably gave him the answer.
On another occasion Mrs S#2 (We both worked for the same company) informed him that he was exactly the sort of person her mother had always told her not to play with "in case she got things in her hair".
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;D Excellent come back!
Interestingly one of my two people is a work colleague. She is more than twice my age and I call her my other Mummy but in a crisis, and I've had some big ones since I've known her, she is the person I would go to first.
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Keep it going.
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Keep it going.
I'm not sure how .... I have been giving this a deal of thought and I have come to the conclusion, having re-read that which I have written on the subject, that even I would not want to be my friend. noooo:
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happy100
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Bugger. I should have joined in this thread but missed it... werkin'
And werk = money
So, a small contribution; sometimes werk/money might come before friends, but a friend would understand that... unless it was desperate... of course
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Well you are here now so carry on ..... it has a long way to go
(I suspect Nick feels a book/article coming on and this is research)
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No, but it's a good idea!