The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Barman on March 16, 2009, 08:32:34 AM
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Wankers! (https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.freesmileys.org%2Fsmileys%2Fsmiley-taunt001.gif&hash=cd0d1ec1f8aa65aa15d7138c125564b3fd84232f) (http://www.freesmileys.org)
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You still here then whistle:
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He's prolly in the Tower of London awaiting Her Majesties pleasure, or some such. eeek:
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So, what's the problem? (this time ::) )
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LL had prolly organised a very thorough search in order that he was not found to be bringing back any 'unauthorised' purchases whistle:
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LL had prolly organised a very thorough search in order that he was not found to be bringing back any 'unauthorised' purchases whistle:
scared2: I can hear the snap of the latex gloves!!!!!!!!!
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Careful Miss C - it's spring in here you know eyes:
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Do you think he can manage to fit a projector, you know, up there. eeek:
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Prolly the Fish eye lens whistle:
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So, what's the problem? (this time ::) )
Same ol' same ol' really Uncle... What a farce.... noooo:
You have the Gestapo at the entrance demanding your liquids and stuff to put in their bins and take home to their wives.
Then you queue up... I'm always sure to move all my keys, coins, etc. to a jacket.
Then take your laptop out of your lead-lined nylon carry case... ::)
Then coat off...
Gestapo #1: Take your belt off
Barman: Do I need to take my shoes off this time?
Gestapo #1: No
Walk to the scanner
Gestapo #2: Take your shoes off
Barman: Himmler told me I didn't have to
Gestapo #2: Well you do
Barman: (addressing Gestapo #1) Why did you tell me I didn't have to?
Gestapo #1: (shrugs)
Barman: Removes boots and walks through scanner practically naked.... noooo:
How come I can fly from Larnaka to Heathrow without having to remove my belt and shoes but not from Heathrow to Larnaka?
What is the point...?
If a terrorist belt/shoe WMD device exists they'll surely load it on the 'plane in Cyprus... or any other European airport prolly... noooo:
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My projector will be here soon... whistle:
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My projector will be here soon... whistle:
We are still in discussions about that evil:
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You have the Gestapo at the entrance demanding your liquids and stuff to put in their bins and take home to their wives.
Then you queue up... I'm always sure to move all my keys, coins, etc. to a jacket.
Then take your laptop out of your lead-lined nylon carry case... ::)
Then coat off..
Gestapo #1: Take your belt off
Barman: Do I need to take my shoes off this time?
Gestapo #1: No
Walk to the scanner
Gestapo #2: Take your shoes off
Barman: Himmler told me I didn't have to
Gestapo #2: Well you do
Barman: (addressing Gestapo #1) Why did you tell me I didn't have to?
Gestapo #1: (shrugs)
Barman: Removes boots and walks through scanner practically naked.... noooo:
How come I can fly from Larnaka to Heathrow without having to remove my belt and shoes but not from Heathrow to Larnaka?
What is the point...?
If a terrorist belt/shoe WMD device exists they'll surely load it on the 'plane in Cyprus... or any other European airport prolly... noooo:
Just don't throw your shoes - that gets your banged up for 3 years eeek:
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You have the Gestapo at the entrance demanding your liquids and stuff to put in their bins and take home to their wives.
Then you queue up... I'm always sure to move all my keys, coins, etc. to a jacket.
Then take your laptop out of your lead-lined nylon carry case... ::)
Then coat off..
Gestapo #1: Take your belt off
Barman: Do I need to take my shoes off this time?
Gestapo #1: No
Walk to the scanner
Gestapo #2: Take your shoes off
Barman: Himmler told me I didn't have to
Gestapo #2: Well you do
Barman: (addressing Gestapo #1) Why did you tell me I didn't have to?
Gestapo #1: (shrugs)
Barman: Removes boots and walks through scanner practically naked.... noooo:
How come I can fly from Larnaka to Heathrow without having to remove my belt and shoes but not from Heathrow to Larnaka?
What is the point...?
If a terrorist belt/shoe WMD device exists they'll surely load it on the 'plane in Cyprus... or any other European airport prolly... noooo:
Just don't throw your shoes - that gets your banged up for 3 years eeek:
I think you have to throw them at a head of state Miss D... lol:
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Why don't you try it on Heathrow security staff and see BM - a precedent has been set now whistle:
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Why don't you try it on Heathrow security staff and see BM - a precedent has been set now whistle:
They are Dick Heads of State after all.
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I had my retinas scanned too. eeek:
I expect the itching will stop and I'll be able to see again soon... sad24:
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I had my retinas scanned too. eeek:
I expect the itching will stop and I'll be able to see again soon... sad24:
You came over for corrective surgery really didn't you - fess up lol:
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I had my retinas scanned too. eeek:
I expect the itching will stop and I'll be able to see again soon... sad24:
You came over for corrective surgery really didn't you - fess up lol:
He now has two fish-eye lenses.
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I got threatened with arrest at Nice airport 2 years ago for DARING scared2: to question why I was singled out for interegation and frisking amongst the other 150 passengers.
I don't think mentioning the words 'officious over the top bastards' helped.
Mrs Growler gave me a bolloking too ffs! Banghead
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I had my retinas scanned too. eeek:
I expect the itching will stop and I'll be able to see again soon... sad24:
You came over for corrective surgery really didn't you - fess up lol:
He now has two fish-eye lenses.
lol: lol: lol:
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How can you be on your puter and be at the airport at the same time btw? Thought you needed a blower line like? confused:
Bloody long lead! lol:
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Some airports allow you to hook up to wireless or use one of their computers for a fee.
Of course if he had an iphone he could have hooked up using the 3G network. cloud9:
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FFS Banghead
I'm at home like! ::)
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But the question and answer are still valid!
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But the question and answer are still valid!
noooo:
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FFS Banghead
I'm at home like! ::)
Sorry. Must go to specsavers. Thought you were at Heathrow. ::)
Oh, and DON'T bite my 'kin 'ed off either. I'm generally speaking in a pretty rancid mood. Angry9:
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Who's at Heathrow?
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FFS Banghead
I'm at home like! ::)
Sorry. Must go to specsavers. Thought you were at Heathrow. ::)
Oh, and DON'T bite my 'kin 'ed off either. I'm generally speaking in a pretty rancid mood. Angry9:
I was at Heathrow... but now I'm at home like see...?
That is how I managed to quaff four bottles of collapso on the plane... on the way home like... noooo:
Honestly, I'll have to draw pictures....
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This is a very confusing thread noooo:
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FFS Banghead
I'm at home like! ::)
Sorry. Must go to specsavers. Thought you were at Heathrow. ::)
Oh, and DON'T bite my 'kin 'ed off either. I'm generally speaking in a pretty rancid mood. Angry9:
I was at Heathrow... but now I'm at home like see...?
That is how I managed to quaff four bottles of collapso on the plane... on the way home like... noooo:
Honestly, I'll have to draw pictures....
So did you get diverted to Heathrow then?
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FFS Banghead
I'm at home like! ::)
How do you know? You can't see! 8)
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This is a very confusing thread noooo:
Not just 'ere. LIFE is confusing....and generally rancid at the moment.....most of the time...virtually always...but particulary at the moment. evil:
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My projector will be here soon... whistle:
We are still in discussions about that evil:
Ah but Old Baldy hasn't specified how many pieces it would be in Miss D.... whistle:
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FFS Banghead
I'm at home like! ::)
Sorry. Must go to specsavers. Thought you were at Heathrow. ::)
Oh, and DON'T bite my 'kin 'ed off either. I'm generally speaking in a pretty rancid mood. Angry9:
I was at Heathrow... but now I'm at home like see...?
That is how I managed to quaff four bottles of collapso on the plane... on the way home like... noooo:
Honestly, I'll have to draw pictures....
So did you get diverted to Heathrow then?
Explode:
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Take that as a 'presumably not' then ey? rubschin:
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Mrs Nick calls to inform me that she was searched leaving Libya and had her (plastic) hairbrush confiscated as a potential weapon. She had her bag of underwear carefully searched by some A-rab. SHe has now been searched for explosives at Heathrow.
I suppose they think she looks suspicious rubschin:
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She had her bag of underwear carefully searched
What, the entire bag?
That must have taken quite a while.
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I think some of her nether garments may contain metal scared2:
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Mrs Nick calls to inform me that she was searched leaving Libya and had her (plastic) hairbrush confiscated as a potential weapon.
hairbrushes are lethal weapons eeek:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Frlv.zcache.com%2Fhairbrush_music_me_tshirt-p2353739767367438764w29_210.jpg&hash=d6d08ea6ee474f3275865b68a7e67ecdb3d56f55)
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In the right hands almost anything is a potential weapon. Take, for example, Mrs Nick's fine collection of saucepans.
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In the right hands almost anything is a potential weapon. Take, for example, Mrs Nick's fine collection of saucepans.
eeek: I thought that was The Boy's drum kit.
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She might have taken longer to get through security if she hadn't left all her keys (house, car, work, the lot) in Libya noooo:
She might, on the other hand, have been a bit quicker if she hadn't brought back a case containing a dead snake and a dead scorpion as a present for The Boy whacky115
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She might, on the other hand, have been a bit quicker if she hadn't brought back a case containing a dead snake and a dead scorpion as a present for The Boy whacky115
eeek: eeek: eeek:
What on earth did she bring you back rubschin:
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A cold shoulder I imagine.
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In my hands almost anything is a potentially dangerous implement. Take, for example, Mrs Nick's fine collection of saucepans.
Corrected for you. whistle:
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She might, on the other hand, have been a bit quicker if she hadn't brought back a case containing a dead snake and a dead scorpion as a present for The Boy whacky115
eeek: eeek: eeek:
What on earth did she bring you back rubschin:
a rug surrender:
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She might, on the other hand, have been a bit quicker if she hadn't brought back a case containing a dead snake and a dead scorpion as a present for The Boy whacky115
eeek: eeek: eeek:
What on earth did she bring you back rubschin:
a rug surrender:
She forgot all her keys but brought you back a rug eeek:
You are not married to Johnny English are you?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G1ksngBjmWA
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It is a very small rug
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It is a very small rug
Well you only have a small bald patch ~ at the moment whistle:
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A prayer mat?
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I suppose it is about that size, yes. rubschin:
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A prayer mat?
Well Nick needs all the help he can get... whistle:
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Given the nature of the staff in the security bit at Heathrow this thread is bizarrely back on topic... noooo:
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One of the guys confiscated some rancid water (mixed with milk) form Mrs Nick which she had in her handbag. He told her she was 'naughty' eeek:
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'naughty'?
odd more likely.
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He tried to make her drink it to prove it was safe. SHe refused on the grounds it was sour. That was when they tested it as a possible explosive. She said everyone was looking at her redface:
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He tried to make her drink it to prove it was safe. SHe refused on the grounds it was sour. That was when they tested it as a possible explosive. She said everyone was looking at her redface:
and backing away slowly?
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She ought to be used to that rubschin:
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Why on earth was she carrying about rancid milk? eeek:
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That was Nick's other gift. whistle:
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She had taken a small water bottle with her but had failed to wash it out from its previous deployment as a milk bottle. The two fluids mixed and after 5 days in Mrs Nick's handbag, in the desert, the contents were not pleasant. Smuggling onto a plane was not a good idea and refusing, perhaps reasonably, to drink the contents to prove they were not combustible, threw her open to an accusation of being 'naughty' and a low level security operation involving some sort of sniffing machine.
OK?
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EWWWWWWWWWWWW
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The woman is a fruitcake ~ sorry Nick but facts are facts.
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The woman is a fruitcake ~ sorry Nick but facts are facts.
Do you think she was before they met?
Chicken, egg and all that?
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The woman is a fruitcake ~ sorry Nick but facts are facts.
Do you think she was before they met?
Chicken, egg and all that?
Hard to tell but I suspect it is a case of like attracting like. ;)
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It was fate cloud9:
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It was fatal...
There... whistle:
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Wouldn't you have to be a bit mental to hook up with someone like Nick?
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2 negatives make a ........................... rubschin:
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More like two mentalists make an asylum!
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After hearing some of the stories, I'm not daft enough to even consider questioning Mrs Nick's sanity. scared2:
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evil:
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She had taken a small water bottle with her but had failed to wash it out from its previous deployment as a milk bottle. The two fluids mixed and after 5 days in Mrs Nick's handbag, in the desert, the contents were not pleasant. Smuggling onto a plane was not a good idea and refusing, perhaps reasonably, to drink the contents to prove they were not combustible, threw her open to an accusation of being 'naughty' and a low level security operation involving some sort of sniffing machine.
OK?
Oh of course, simple really... confused:
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But surely NO-ONE ~ not even Mrs Nick ~ can have failed to notice that for at least four years there has been all hell let loose on the TV and in other media about not carrying liquids onto an aircraft and even then surely all the notices at the airports, the briefing notes provided by airlines with tickets etc etc would have alerted her. How dense do you have to be to miss that lot?
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She's probably too clever to watch those programmes shrugs:
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We should be in awe of someone so exulted that she finds all such matters beneath her but somehow I can't help feeling she is just plain ditzy!
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Well in LIbya the 4 separate X ray machines, the body search and the over enthusiastic search of her underwear collection failed to reveal it. ANd it was in her handbag, after all. Some of the contents of that have fossilised ::)
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Sorry ~ not
our my place to criticise your lovely wife. I'm sure the poor woman has a lot to put up with.
BTW Don't let The Boy forget it is Mother's Day on Sunday.
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OMG ...I forgot redface:
Snoops - you're my hero cloud9:
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How can you forget there have been signs everywhere for WEEKS! eeek:
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redface:
I have been really busy honest (hangs head in shame)
I knew it was soon - I just didn't know it was this weekend noooo:
I still think it's February shrugs:
I have now ordered flowers off t'internet and will send card on way home tonight. Saved by the hairs on my chinny chiin chin whistle:
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http://www.biscuiteers.com/
Change to the normal flowers/chocolates.
They do shoe ones Snoops. ;)
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She isn't my mother ~ the children like to buy her huge quantities of Daffs. This will be done on Saturday whilst she is at college and they will, as usual, be hidden in a bucket of water in the garage, which is full of char062 ensuring she will not enter. On Sunday the children will produce their hand made cards (already made today and hidden in my office) along with the daffs, which will drip all over her duvet, whilst I struggle up the stairs with a breakfast tray for her that "they" have prepared.
It's a sort of heirloom tradition here.
Frankly no longer having a Mum I hate every minute of it but one has to put on a brave face for the children because they don't even notice I don't have a Mother anymore ~ I was, presumably, born a father. ::)
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I'm going to a trade show on Sunday; I'm hoping, it being Mother's Day, it will be deserted whistle:
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The Brat is at her dads - I'm going to turn the phone off and have a gorgeous lie in cloud9: cloud9: cloud9:
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The Brat is at her dads - I'm going to turn the phone off and have a gorgeous lie in cloud9: cloud9: cloud9:
Not forgetting that the clocks go forward on Saturday night/Sunday morning, so we lose an hour !! evil:
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I had forgot that - bugger evil:
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Bugger 'n all! evil:
I have to take LL to the airport at 2am Sunday morning.... so that means I'll have to get there at... um, er.... Shrugs:
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If the time has been given to you by the airline stick to it ~ they will have made allowance. The clocks change officially at 2am anyway.
Altenatively ~ Drop her off at midnight and go home to bed. She'll find plenty to do whilst she waits.
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If the time has been given to you by the airline stick to it ~ they will have made allowance. The clocks change officially at 2am anyway.
So that'll be three am or um, one am... in old money like...? Shrugs:
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Just ask LL - she will know lol:
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Just ask LL - she will know lol:
doh: It was obvious wasn't it...? redface:
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Well, all packed up and ready to head off to Heathrow for ritual humiliation at the hands of the security staff... evil:
I'm curious tho... rubschin:
In order to get into the visitors gallery at the HoC last week we had to go through extremely tight airport-style security. Empty your pockets and all baggage onto the conveyor and through the X-Ray machine. Then walk through the body scanner, then a body search...
BUT I didn't have to take off my belt or my shoes as will be demanded at Heathrow this morning...
Why is that then eh? EH? evil:
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The HoC isn't an airborne pressurised tin can. Prolly.
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Well, all packed up and ready to head off to Heathrow for ritual humiliation at the hands of the security staff... evil:
I'm curious tho... rubschin:
In order to get into the visitors gallery at the HoC last week we had to go through extremely tight airport-style security. Empty your pockets and all baggage onto the conveyor and through the X-Ray machine. Then walk through the body scanner, then a body search...
BUT I didn't have to take off my belt or my shoes as will be demanded at Heathrow this morning...
Why is that then eh? EH? evil:
Even if you have feet as big as mine ( eyes:) you could not put in enough explosives to bring the HoC down from 40,000 feet by blowing a hole in the side.
As for the belt, they have latched onto the ?250 to be made from 'You've been framed' with ex-pats trousers falling round their ankles.
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rubschin:
Good points well made...
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Freaking bastard jobsworths! cussing:
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Freaking bastard jobsworths! cussing:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hagg-bank.co.uk%2FWADS%2FsHC%2520Sue%2C%2520Mark%2520%26amp%3B%2520JohnJ.jpg&hash=399b4178d6bb696d341941e2f46e3099a8f6ccf5)
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Freaking bastard jobsworths! cussing:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.hagg-bank.co.uk%2FWADS%2FsHC%2520Sue%2C%2520Mark%2520%26amp%3B%2520JohnJ.jpg&hash=399b4178d6bb696d341941e2f46e3099a8f6ccf5)
Is that Snoopy? rubschin:
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evil:
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evil:
point: