The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: Miss Demeanour on January 10, 2010, 06:08:43 PM
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Office workers are being urged to stop using jargon and go back to "normal" English.
The call came after a list of the most ridiculous business phrases was compiled, ranging from "biting the reality sandwich" to "touching base offline".
Workers across the UK are being accused of using jargon which is getting more bizarre every year by recruitment firm Office Angels.
Staff are now talked about feeling "stressurised" (a mixture of pressure and stress) and often wanting to "flag" problems.
Terms such as "singing from the same hymn sheet" have been in widespread use for some time, but, Office Angels says, some other "ridiculous" phrases are creeping onto the list.
These include:
:: We need the right Pin numbers (we need it to work);
:: A lighthouse on a cloudy night (coming up with a good/bright idea);
:: I'm coming into this with an open kimono (throwing an idea out into the open but being open to criticism);
:: Let's touch base about this offline (let's meet up face to face);
:: Finger in the air figure (just an estimate);
:: I think someone needs a bite of the reality sandwich (someone needs to think a bit more practically);
:: Let's run that idea up the flagpole and see if it flies (simply trying out an idea);
:: Let's not try to build a chestnut fence to keep the sand-dunes in (face a problem head on, rather than battling it unsuccessfully);
:: Expecting the moon on a stick (when clients have ridiculous expectations).
The recession has also spawned the term "credit munch", meaning switching from an expensive lunch to a cheaper option.
David Clubb, managing director of Office Angels, said: "Trying to talk the talk isn't particularly productive and doesn't make you seem more professional.
Let's face it - there are never going to change this ...how long has the Plain English campaign been going for now and what has it actually achieved ?????
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What is she on about?
I am doing a Plain English Day and better communication with your customers in Coventry next Monday. ?1000 +expenses.
They may need a refresher course soon eveilgrin:
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Gawd help em noooo:
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My material is excellent and "challenging". This lot are amongst the worst jargon mongers in the Werld. Even I can't figure out what the fook they do from looooooooooooooooking lengthily at their website
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Have you been horizon scanning again ? lol:
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No. Their first task (there are 30 of them) is to explain to me what they actually do. Every time I bleep they have to start again. I have a bleeping machine ready angel1 (note: they are all geeks)
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Such jargon has been around forever. My last MD was always "Running an idea up the flagpole to see who salutes".
Natch we all took the p*ss behind his back with such popular comments as "Run this up the flagpole and see if anyone tugs a forelock" but muggins had to have one of those moments when the mouth opens before the brain is fully engaged and, with Himself in the room, uttered the immortal line "Let me run this up the flagpole and see who tugs their foreskin".
I think the b@st@rd took pleasure in retiring me the following year.
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I angered my big boss by applauding every name drop and bullshit phrase in our recent "walk in the woods" teambuilding session.
She introduced by saying, "it's called walk in the woods but we'll be sitting down and there aren't really any woods involved. It's more a journey, a get to know eachother session and a look at what the business is doing. I suppose I called it walk in the woods because it's a bit like a walk in the woods".
You fucking idiot!
On the plus side, she does know my name though because she asked my boss for it immediately after the session...
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IIRC there is a Bingo game for this shite
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I have a one day "Relationship Management" course to attend later this week where no doubt we'll once again be engaging in "iceberging" and other such bollocks. With a bit of luck it'll still be snowing cussing:
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Is there a fat bint in your place you call "Mrs Titanic"?
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I have a one day "Relationship Management" course to attend later this week where no doubt we'll once again be engaging in "iceberging" and other such bollocks. With a bit of luck it'll still be snowing cussing:
Oh I don't know the VP could well do with someone trained in relationship management
We expect a full debrief whistle:
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I have a one day "Relationship Management" course to attend later this week where no doubt we'll once again be engaging in "iceberging" and other such bollocks. With a bit of luck it'll still be snowing cussing:
Oh I don't know the VP could well do with someone trained in relationship management
We expect a full debrief whistle:
You can get that with Gym-man whistle:
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Mike the muscle man is prolly not that informative eyes:
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Yeah, but he could debrief you whistle:
He likes red sweaters. Take your chance
And where is Pastis btw?
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Bit of a long journey back prolly - plus the tearful goodbyes whistle:
You can't wear briefs and lycra - a VPL in the gym is a definite no no whistle:
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I have that sixth sense that this thread is about to hit the gutter Popcorn:
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We had the "Voyage of discovery" whereby all line managers were obliged to try and get their young, moronic staff to describe the "thing" they wanted to do - really - in life, not work related. Usual shite about doing a world tour and saving starving orphans. I told then I wanted to ride the TT course in a competitive environment and asked whether they would stump up the necessary funds to give me a fully race ready GSXR750. This was yet another time when I was told I was being "difficult" and "not setting an example" to the youngsters.
Good. Any youngster that falls for that shit is obviously a total brain-dead sheep.
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We recently underwent a Learning and Development day for managers and had to do the usual ice breaker thing of learning something interesting about who you were paired with and then relaying this to the group. The bloke I was with stated his 'interesting fact' was that he had recently bought a Gloucestershire Old Spot pig and had built a pen for it in his garden. His intention was to slaughter it and eat it this Easter eeek:
Only trouble was when relaying this there was an very alarmed veggie activist in the group and a huge argument broke out about this - the trainer was not able to bring the group back together for at least half an hour after this whistle:
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I think I could have some evil fun in a modern office environment. Sinister:
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We recently underwent a Learning and Development day for managers and had to do the usual ice breaker thing of learning something interesting about who you were paired with and then relaying this to the group. The bloke I was with stated his 'interesting fact' was that he had recently bought a Gloucestershire Old Spot pig and had built a pen for it in his garden. His intention was to slaughter it and eat it this Easter eeek:
Only trouble was when relaying this there was an very alarmed veggie activist in the group and a huge argument broke out about this - the trainer was not able to bring the group back together for at least half an hour after this whistle:
happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001 happy001
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I think I could have some evil fun in a modern office environment. Sinister:
Indeed, we are a mollycoddled lot and have never seen a turnip "red in tooth and claw"
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I think I could have some evil fun in a modern office environment. Sinister:
Indeed, we are a mollycoddled lot and have never seen a turnip "red in tooth and claw"
I bet you think they grow on trees
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I think I could have some evil fun in a modern office environment. Sinister:
Indeed, we are a mollycoddled lot and have never seen a turnip "red in tooth and claw"
I bet you think they grow on trees
They don't root about on forest floor then?
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I think I could have some evil fun in a modern office environment. Sinister:
Indeed, we are a mollycoddled lot and have never seen a turnip "red in tooth and claw"
I bet you think they grow on trees
They don't root about on forest floor then?
You are thinking of the extinct North-European Neo-Turnip. neepus jockus, hunted to extinction by the Roman Ninth Legion.
The type available today is swedus blandus, which is of couse aquatic.
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Centralization (syn: merging, coordination): When you have lots of money and want credit for dispensing it
Decentralization (syn: devolution, regionalization): When you have run out of money and want to pass the buck (i.e. the blame, not the money) down and out
Accordianization When you need to keep everyone confused by instituting continuous cycles of centralization and decentralization. Best example: the NHS
Equalization When you have not (yet) sorted out which side is going to win
Interpositionization When you need to insert shock-absorbing lackeys between patients and managers to protect the latter from being held accountable (this strategy is often misrepresented as an attempt to help patients)
Indecisionization trees When you are massively uncertain and incompetent, picking numbers out of the air and placing them in diagrams. Also used as a party game at management retreats
Matrixization structure When your indecision tree has been exposed as meaningless twaddle, the introduction of a second indecision tree at right angles to it
Obfuscasization When you need to hide the fact that you have not a clue what is really going on, or what you should do about it. Makes heavy use of phrases such as ?at this moment in time? instead of ?now?, and transforms things that are simple and obvious into complicated and impenetrable muddles
R&Dization When you have been exposed as a power-mad fraud and are offered a compensation package just to get you out of town. Employs the ?Rake it in and Disappear? ploy
Black hole effect When a reorganization absorbs large amounts of money and human resources without producing any measurable output
Honesty When your corporate conscience urges you to admit that when you say, ?It?s not the money it?s the principle?, it is the money. A dangerous and abandoned strategy, included here for historic purposes only.
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So good you posted it twice. point:
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Come again?
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It's an echo Uncle ~ like New York
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Come again?
surrender:
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I'm on my work laptop now and it is playing up ...frezing and stuff - must be all the work I've done on it whistle:
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Shouldn't have taken it in the bath with you. noooo:
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Not in the bath yet - decided I would have that later when I have 'logged off ' from work as still got to answer calls from the public and stuff and they get a bit confused redface:
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I have a one day "Relationship Management" course to attend later this week where no doubt we'll once again be engaging in "iceberging" and other such bollocks. With a bit of luck it'll still be snowing cussing:
I received my invite today. A few snippets:-
"I want to create a leaders wheel to support mutual respect and understanding between each other and self awareness around leading"
"I need to know this asap so I can set up links and get the balll rolling and ensure the heel is ready on the day"
"every dialogue will be organised so as to deepen the practice of balancing task and relationship awareness whilst listening and ?iceberging? understanding"
"Identify personal achievements and challenges (triad work)"
TRIADS! scared2:
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eeek: eeek: eeek:
What a load of nonsense noooo: - in other words you are going to sit around for the day and discuss how you can all work better together ::)
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