The Virtual Pub
Come Inside... => Saloon Bar => Topic started by: The Moan Ranger on August 01, 2007, 01:32:38 PM
-
So the time of year has come whereby I will be off to sunnier climes for the traditional fortnight of sun, sea and diarrhoea.
As usual I have timed it perfection in that the sun has recently made itself known once more here following the recent monsoon season, so I will doubtless miss what is laughably called "the British Summer".
Come Friday night, I will be herded through Gatwick South like a sheep going to the abattoir in a place resembling a scene from Dawn of the Dead. I will be standing, cheek by jowel with various horrors - all coughing, snotting, farting, staring into space and listening to some detritus on the iPod/MP3 thingies.
When we finally get to the front of the Check-In queue, the uninterested attendant will ask me to put our bags on the weighing device and it is at this point, they can give you their sanctimonious stare when they proudly declare that you have exceeded the 15kg limit per person. Now, I ask you - 15kgs! The weight of my PG Tips tea bags, Fray Bentos meat pies and Suntan lotion probably comes to about that, before we even start considering my Speedos, sandals and white socks. But that's the limit, because some chinless wonder further up the scale thinks that reducing the weight may save a few trees. Well excuse me, but that is bollo*. If I were to turn around in the queue I will doubtless see all manner of human dustbins, sweating profusely and each weighing the same as a small terraced house.
How about having a maximum weight limit for the people flying?! Surely that's fairer - say 100kg for passenger and luggage combined? Think of the benefits - the anorexic models can take bags and bags of Chanel, Dior, Karen Millen & George gear and still be OK. The porkers? Well, you guessed it, they won't be able to fly unless nearly naked and carrying no more than a toothbrush and deodorant. Many will simply not be able to fly, so the airport will be a lot quieter. The holiday trade in the UK will boom as the heifers re-acquaint themselves with the Kiss-Me-Quick hat, radiation contaminated shellfish and shifty B&B owners. After a few years of that, they may even decide to get healthy - the benefits for the nation are endless. And all the while, I will be sunning my ar$e laughing at them...
I think I could be on to something here?
-
So the time of year has come whereby I will be off to sunnier climes for the traditional fortnight of sun, sea and diarrhoea.
As usual I have timed it perfection in that the sun has recently made itself known once more here following the recent monsoon season, so I will doubtless miss what is laughably called "the British Summer".
Come Friday night, I will be herded through Gatwick South like a sheep going to the abattoir in a place resembling a scene from Dawn of the Dead. I will be standing, cheek by jowel with various horrors - all coughing, snotting, farting, staring into space and listening to some detritus on the iPod/MP3 thingies.
When we finally get to the front of the Check-In queue, the uninterested attendant will ask me to put our bags on the weighing device and it is at this point, they can give you their sanctimonious stare when they proudly declare that you have exceeded the 15kg limit per person. Now, I ask you - 15kgs! The weight of my PG Tips tea bags, Fray Bentos meat pies and Suntan lotion probably comes to about that, before we even start considering my Speedos, sandals and white socks. But that's the limit, because some chinless wonder further up the scale thinks that reducing the weight may save a few trees. Well excuse me, but that is bollo*. If I were to turn around in the queue I will doubtless see all manner of human dustbins, sweating profusely and each weighing the same as a small terraced house.
How about having a maximum weight limit for the people flying?! Surely that's fairer - say 100kg for passenger and luggage combined? Think of the benefits - the anorexic models can take bags and bags of Chanel, Dior, Karen Millen & George gear and still be OK. The porkers? Well, you guessed it, they won't be able to fly unless nearly naked and carrying no more than a toothbrush and deodorant. Many will simply not be able to fly, so the airport will be a lot quieter. The holiday trade in the UK will boom as the heifers re-acquaint themselves with the Kiss-Me-Quick hat, radiation contaminated shellfish and shifty B&B owners. After a few years of that, they may even decide to get healthy - the benefits for the nation are endless. And all the while, I will be sunning my ar$e laughing at them...
I think I could be on to something here?
The weight limit is probably there to protect the thieving scum that hurl your bag onto the ?plane. Heaven forbid they should put their backs out while attempting to steal anything valuable from your case.
Having said that, I?m in agreement with you ? in ?normal? life you can taker measures to avoid the obese but air travel forces you together. There is nothing worse than having one next to you taking a seat-and-a-half except perhaps having a human weeble sitting or perhaps lying is a better description on the seat in front. Not only do you spend the journey in fear of the seat collapsing on you but the double horror of imagining the chaos caused by lardy in the event of an emergency evacuation (of the ?plane).
No, lards should be charged excess baggage plus a supplemental charge for a reinforced seat complete with double-size tray for their super-meal and multiple bottles of free booze.
angry037
-
P.S. Does anybody know if this BlackBerry thing will work in Turkey?
-
P.S. Does anybody know if this BlackBerry thing will work in Turkey?
Personally I'd prefer the traditional chestnut but if in doubt ask Darwin ~ He's our Turkey specialist.
-
P.S. Does anybody know if this BlackBerry thing will work in Turkey?
Personally I'd prefer the traditional chestnut but if in doubt ask Darwin ~ He's our Turkey specialist.
Indeed.
Blackberries are OK in the right kind of turkey, although cranberries are better.
If you want to be sure of a suitable bird, send me ?50 and I will ensure you get the best this Christmas. smile:
-
P.S. Does anybody know if this BlackBerry thing will work in Turkey?
Personally I'd prefer the traditional chestnut but if in doubt ask Darwin ~ He's our Turkey specialist.
Indeed.
Blackberries are OK in the right kind of turkey, although cranberries are better.
If you want to be sure of a suitable bird, send me ?50 and I will ensure you get the best this Christmas. smile:
Please accept my order for one suitable bird for Christmas for the Barman smile:
That's his christmas stocking sorted, his cheeky happy little face on the day should be a pciture ::) and it means I can catch up on my sleep cloud9:
Cheque will be in the posy v.soon eyes:
PS) Assume your birds are ready plucked? whistle:
-
P.S. Does anybody know if this BlackBerry thing will work in Turkey?
Personally I'd prefer the traditional chestnut but if in doubt ask Darwin ~ He's our Turkey specialist.
Indeed.
Blackberries are OK in the right kind of turkey, although cranberries are better.
If you want to be sure of a suitable bird, send me ?50 and I will ensure you get the best this Christmas. smile:
Please accept my order for one suitable bird for Christmas for the Barman smile:
That's his christmas stocking sorted, his cheeky happy little face on the day should be a pciture ::) and it means I can catch up on my sleep cloud9:
Cheque will be in the posy v.soon eyes:
PS) Assume your birds are ready plucked? whistle:
Yees, of course . .
Just make the cheque for cash will be fine. whistle:
-
cussing:
-
Well, we've arrived and as you can see, the BlackBerry works. Now, I must busy myself with the terrible task of drinking the local brew whilst enjoying the forty odd degree heat. It's a tough job...
-
Well, we've arrived and as you can see, the BlackBerry works. Now, I must busy myself with the terrible task of drinking the local brew whilst enjoying the forty odd degree heat. It's a tough job...
Effes? cloud9:
-
Thrilled to bits that we will not be deprived of your observations of love, life and all that whilst you are contracting skin cancer.
Me? I shall be enjoying all the delights of the Welsh coast and mountains throughout the Summer and taking my usual Autumn break on the Costa Del Dorset when every one is back at work.
-
I am at work, in an air-conditioned office - nearly 3o outside. I will have my local brew of Youngs, later on, and a bit of the rugby.
Unfortunately, someone has clouted one of the electronic access pillars that control the doors and an alarm is constantly ringing.
The bells, the bells!
-
Young's. (Insert smiley cloud 9)
Tough break Tel, I will have a few for you :-)
Snoopy, is skin cancer something you "contract" or something you "develop"? Anyway, so far the only down side is too many Scousers, but they seem pleasant enough. On the plane over a most attractive blonde sat next to me and then fell asleep on my shoulder. Mrs TMR was not amused. Now, back to the beer...
-
Young's. (Insert smiley cloud 9)
Tough break Tel, I will have a few for you :-)
Snoopy, is skin cancer something you "contract" or something you "develop"? Anyway, so far the only down side is too many Scousers, but they seem pleasant enough. On the plane over a most attractive blonde sat next to me and then fell asleep on my shoulder. Mrs TMR was not amused. Now, back to the beer...
Source: http://www.koolsun.co.uk/acatalog/Sun_Safety.html
Britain now has more deaths per annum from Malignant Melanoma than Australia and over 69,000 new cases of skin cancer are diagnosed each year. Many of the people who contract skin cancer have never been abroad. People are unaware of the very real risk posed by the sun in the UK and the damage it can cause to the skin's DNA; they will use high factor sun cream on foreign holidays, they do not use the same protection at home.
Cancer Research UK said that the rises were "worrying", especially as the disease was "almost entirely preventable".
shrugs:
-
I know that - by my simple brain says you "contract" something like a cold - something that can be passed through airborne viruses, whereas you would "develop" other conditions, through cell mutations arising from carcinogens. Just being a pedant.
Anyhoooo hopefully my skin will be the same brown colour as my lungs doubtless are after so many years smoking. As a Beagle, thought you'd be a keen smoker yourself :-)
-
I know that - by my simple brain says you "contract" something like a cold - something that can be passed through airborne viruses, whereas you would "develop" other conditions, through cell mutations arising from carcinogens. Just being a pedant.
Anyhoooo hopefully my skin will be the same brown colour as my lungs doubtless are after so many years smoking. As a Beagle, thought you'd be a keen smoker yourself :-)
I was evil:
-
How can you "CONTRACT" a cold or cancer?
It takes two to form a contract, dunno about you, but I certainly would not agree to either of them.
Therefore it is "INFLICTED" on me - like taxes and idiots... evil:
-
How can you "CONTRACT" a cold or cancer?
It takes two to form a contract, dunno about you, but I certainly would not agree to either of them.
Therefore it is "INFLICTED" on me - like taxes and idiots... evil:
How sure are you that they are inflicted on you? It may be a case that they are ATTRACTED to you. whistle:
Oh and muscles "contract"
The OED offers several definitions including "Contract = Incur (disease, liability)"
-
It appears the Turkish mossies like the taste of Mrs TMR, but not me. The poor love has about 10 bites on her shoulders and ankles,whereas I have only one.
Ah well, back to the beer...
-
So the time of year has come whereby I will be off to sunnier climes for the traditional fortnight of sun, sea and diarrhoea.
As usual I have timed it perfection in that the sun has recently made itself known once more here following the recent monsoon season, so I will doubtless miss what is laughably called "the British Summer".
Come Friday night, I will be herded through Gatwick South like a sheep going to the abattoir in a place resembling a scene from Dawn of the Dead. I will be standing, cheek by jowel with various horrors - all coughing, snotting, farting, staring into space and listening to some detritus on the iPod/MP3 thingies.
When we finally get to the front of the Check-In queue, the uninterested attendant will ask me to put our bags on the weighing device and it is at this point, they can give you their sanctimonious stare when they proudly declare that you have exceeded the 15kg limit per person. Now, I ask you - 15kgs! The weight of my PG Tips tea bags, Fray Bentos meat pies and Suntan lotion probably comes to about that, before we even start considering my Speedos, sandals and white socks. But that's the limit, because some chinless wonder further up the scale thinks that reducing the weight may save a few trees. Well excuse me, but that is bollo*. If I were to turn around in the queue I will doubtless see all manner of human dustbins, sweating profusely and each weighing the same as a small terraced house.
How about having a maximum weight limit for the people flying?! Surely that's fairer - say 100kg for passenger and luggage combined? Think of the benefits - the anorexic models can take bags and bags of Chanel, Dior, Karen Millen & George gear and still be OK. The porkers? Well, you guessed it, they won't be able to fly unless nearly naked and carrying no more than a toothbrush and deodorant. Many will simply not be able to fly, so the airport will be a lot quieter. The holiday trade in the UK will boom as the heifers re-acquaint themselves with the Kiss-Me-Quick hat, radiation contaminated shellfish and shifty B&B owners. After a few years of that, they may even decide to get healthy - the benefits for the nation are endless. And all the while, I will be sunning my ar$e laughing at them. . .
I think I could be on to something here?
The weight limit is probably there to protect the thieving scum that hurl your bag onto the ?plane. Heaven forbid they should put their backs out while attempting to steal anything valuable from your case.
Having said that, I?m in agreement with you ? in ?normal? life you can taker measures to avoid the obese but air travel forces you together. There is nothing worse than having one next to you taking a seat-and-a-half except perhaps having a human weeble sitting or perhaps lying is a better description on the seat in front. Not only do you spend the journey in fear of the seat collapsing on you but the double horror of imagining the chaos caused by lardy in the event of an emergency evacuation (of the ?plane).
No, lards should be charged excess baggage plus a supplemental charge for a reinforced seat complete with double-size tray for their super-meal and multiple bottles of free booze.
angry037
Funny that I just flew with Ryanair which I thout was a good cheep flight until like you I got to the check in then found out that I had to pay ?10 each way for the privliage of having a case then I was over wait by 4kgs so another ?20 but the funny thing is I could carry 10kgs as hand luggage so you try to keep hand luggage to a minimum s oyou dont have much in the cabin and you are penilised for doing so you cant win can you?
-
You are endangering my stock of full stops. We may have to outsource!
-
Funny that. I just flew with Ryanair, which I thought was a good cheap flight until, like you, I got to the check in and found out that I had to pay ?10 each way for the privilege of having a case that was over weight by 4kgs, so another ?20. But the funny thing is I could carry 10kgs as hand luggage, so you try to keep hand luggage to a minimum so you don't have much in the cabin and then you are penalised for doing [sic] so. You can't win, can you?
There. I have done my best. My bill is in the post.
-
Welcome blueboy - and you are right about the hand luggage. We were "overweight" on the way out and were told we would be charged if the cases weren't lighter homeward. In the spirit of being an argumentative bastard, I asked the uninteredted check-in girl what whe suggested. Her response was "throw some stuff out". I asked if I could stick the 4kgs worth in the hand luggage and she said "yeah, that's fine". I then asked how this juggling would save overall weight on the plane and thus fuel needed. She looked at me like a whipped dog.
Now I must go as the bar is calling and too many green and white hoops are hurting my eyes.
-
Funny that. I just flew with Ryanair, which I thought was a good cheap flight until, like you, I got to the check in and found out that I had to pay ?10 each way for the privilege of having a case that was over weight by 4kgs, so another ?20. But the funny thing is I could carry 10kgs as hand luggage, so you try to keep hand luggage to a minimum so you don't have much in the cabin and then you are penalised for doing [sic] so. You can't win, can you?
There. I have done my best. My bill is in the post.
As is Blueboy's cheque! point:
-
I asked if I could stick the 4kgs worth up her arse and she said "yeah, that's fine".
That's my boy! point:
-
The problem will be worse as we have now bought "stuff" that will add to the overall weight. I shall force Mrs TMR to wear it all on the way back - she will look like the Michelin man, but we should escape any insidious charges.
-
Unless they weigh her and treat her as a baggage, sorry, as baggage.
-
Mr Nick, Mrs TMR is not amused with that comment as I would remind you that threw the Javelin for Berkshire. She is a tenacious woman and may well track you down and impale you atop a very long spear. I believe she is related to the good King Vlad.
-
Mr Nick, Mrs TMR is not amused with that comment as I would remind you that threw the Javelin for Berkshire. She is a tenacious woman and may well track you down and impale you atop a very long spear. I believe she is related to the good King Vlad.
I'm getting bad mental images here
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fnews.bbc.co.uk%2Fmedia%2Fimages%2F39288000%2Fjpg%2F_39288173_fatima1987_300x300.jpg&hash=831e16bf9b1481c340c2ae3fd52c752ba1053058)
-
Set her on to Snoopy point:
Mrs Nick got the full security treatment at Toronto last night cos she kept setting off the beepy thingy. They were running some hand held beepy thingy up and down her for ages. In the end they concluded it was the rivets in her trousers eeek:
-
Not the hubcaps in your hand luggage? :-)
-
Explain yerself!
-
Mrs Nick got the full security treatment at Toronto last night cos she kept setting off the beepy thingy. They were running some hand held beepy thingy up and down her for ages. In the end they concluded it was the rivets in her trousers eeek:
eeek:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscatcat.fhsu.edu%2F%7Ejrcompton%2Fimages%2Frobot%2520female%2520frame%25202.jpg&hash=0a712377fb2e6eea00afc647bd51e7acd6188fe6)
-
You forget she went to a convent school! evil:
-
You forget she went to a convent school! evil:
Then only the Lord knows where the rivets are?
-
Mrs Nick got the full security treatment at Toronto last night cos she kept setting off the beepy thingy. They were running some hand held beepy thingy up and down her for ages. In the end they concluded it was the rivets in her trousers eeek:
eeek:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscatcat.fhsu.edu%2F%7Ejrcompton%2Fimages%2Frobot%2520female%2520frame%25202.jpg&hash=0a712377fb2e6eea00afc647bd51e7acd6188fe6)
At least she didn't have her love eggs in. That's embarassing.
-
Mrs Nick got the full security treatment at Toronto last night cos she kept setting off the beepy thingy. They were running some hand held beepy thingy up and down her for ages. In the end they concluded it was the rivets in her trousers eeek:
eeek:
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fscatcat.fhsu.edu%2F%7Ejrcompton%2Fimages%2Frobot%2520female%2520frame%25202.jpg&hash=0a712377fb2e6eea00afc647bd51e7acd6188fe6)
At least she didn't have her love eggs in. That's embarassing.
Is it? Do tell... whistle:
-
I did it's embarassing. redface:
-
WTF is a love egg?
Christ on a bike. I just used Mr Google to find out!! eeek: eeek: eeek: eeek:
Wenchy, you don't! On an aeroplane? And they make you beep? And then what.............?
eeek:
-
WTF is a love egg?
Christ on a bike. I just used Mr Google to find out!! eeek: eeek: eeek: eeek:
Wenchy, you don't! On an aeroplane? And they make you beep? And then what.............?
eeek:
Sheltered life?
-
Evidently! eeek:
-
I did it's embarassing. redface:
Got to applaud that, the owning up that is. ;D
-
They make you beep? eeek: Maybe mine weren't working properly. redface:
-
They make you beep? eeek: Maybe mine weren't working properly. redface:
Did they make you remove them? point:
-
They make you beep? eeek: Maybe mine weren't working properly. redface:
Did they make you remove them? point:
redface:
Let us just say that some Spanish Catholics that run security at Malaga airport will never be the same again. redface:
-
I am agog!
-
You weren't with your mother were you redface:
-
I am agog!
Well, you can gog on because you are getting no more out of me.
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fschool.discovery.com%2Fclipart%2Fimages%2Fani-zip.gif&hash=8e5bfe4b54ba236b5e99921af6ee2536a0c6eeef)
I was alone tel.
-
I think our fertile imaginations and filthy minds have all the material we need, thank you.
-
That is quite alright then.
-
They are plastic, egg shaped and hollow. Inside they have ball bearings that roll around with the movement of the body causing a "vibration". Normally two are used simultaneously and are joined by a string. The string aids recovery. Inserted into the vagina they are, I am told, very stimulating to the user and of obvious end benefit to her male partner of choice.
Any "beep" would be the metal detector devices picking up on the metal of the ball bearings though I am told that nowadays one can also purchase electric versions that work on the same principle as a vibrator so the metal detector would pick up the metals used in the "motor".
Well done Wenchy for admitting to their use. My admiration for you grows daily.
-
You seem to know a lot about them. A hobby of yours?
The string aids recovery
Whose recovery, and from what?
Still agog.
Where do you put the batteries?
-
A friend went to a wedding on Saturday, the whole event at a hotel and ended up being pulled by some attractive female and retired to his room. Next morning he is having breakfast with his mum & grand-mum (he is a good few years younger than me) when female from previous night appears and asks very matter of factly if she could have her underwear and ear-rings. Poor guy nearly died.
-
Sounds like fun. HOw old was the guy? And was he a priest or summat?
-
31
-
You seem to know a lot about them. A hobby of yours?
Still agog.
Where do you put the batteries?
Used to have a sideline selling such things since you ask. The batteries are in the switch device which has a wire that runs inside the clothing of the wearer to a convenient pocket.
I also had a girlfriend who was very fond of them. Unfortunately Mrs S#1 was not so fond the idea of either the products or the GF.
OK?
-
You seem to know a lot about them. A hobby of yours?
The string aids recovery
Whose recovery, and from what?
Still agog.
Where do you put the batteries?
Mine didn't have batteries and the string was for ... you googled them what do you think the string was for?
-
YES I have a chequered history whistle:
-
You seem to know a lot about them. A hobby of yours?
The string aids recovery
Whose recovery, and from what?
Still agog.
Where do you put the batteries?
Mine didn't have batteries and the string was for ... you googled them what do you think the string was for?
Did you tie a knot in the end to remind you that they were in? whistle:
-
Good grief. The things one learns.
Knots
String
"a sideline"
What sort of "sideline". Did you go door knocking?
-
You seem to know a lot about them. A hobby of yours?
The string aids recovery
Whose recovery, and from what?
Still agog.
Where do you put the batteries?
Mine didn't have batteries and the string was for ... you googled them what do you think the string was for?
Did you tie a knot in the end to remind you that they were in? whistle:
One would be unlikely to forget they were "in"
Good grief. The things one learns.
Knots
String
"a sideline"
What sort of "sideline". Did you go door knocking?
No I did not. Worked the "Markets" for a while on my days off to supplement income. Some undies and stuff like that + "under the counter" marital aids.
Why "Under the counter"? ~ Because people are prudish and object to in your face selling of "adult" items.
And No not Stock Markets but Street Markets.
OK ::)
I return to edit because Nick (who else) asked about the string. Think what else a lady might use that has string attached to aid recovery. Same place same reason for string Got It???
-
My head is spinning.
So one goes to a pants stall in a market and winks at the pant seller knowingly and say "Gorrenny eggs mate?" (nudge) and Pants Man/Lady then rummages below and discreetly offers a selection of gravity operated or electric wobbly things with string attached?! eeek:
Do they come with a manual written in pidgin english?
Must try that at Birkenhead Market on Saturday. I fear that Mrs Nick may know nothing of these devices of which you speak (though come to think of it I imagine at least 2 of her friends are up to speed, but they were air hostesses).
-
You seem to know a lot about them. A hobby of yours?
The string aids recovery
Whose recovery, and from what?
Still agog.
Where do you put the batteries?
Mine didn't have batteries and the string was for ... you googled them what do you think the string was for?
Did you tie a knot in the end to remind you that they were in? whistle:
One would be unlikely to forget they were "in"
Good grief. The things one learns.
Knots
String
"a sideline"
What sort of "sideline". Did you go door knocking?
No I did not. Worked the "Markets" for a while on my days off to supplement income. Some undies and stuff like that + "under the counter" marital aids.
Why "Under the counter"? ~ Because people are prudish and object to in your face selling of "adult" items.
And No not Stock Markets but Street Markets.
OK ::)
I return to edit because Nick (who else) asked about the string. Think what else a lady might use that has string attached to aid recovery. Same place same reason for string Got It???
It was the ambiguity of "recovery" which had me momentarily foxed. redface:
-
Was Mrs Nick convent educated? If yes, she will be up to speed.
-
Reminds me of the the old 'candles out sisters' joke.
-
;D
-
These days one can purchase such things off the internet or from your local Anne Summers emporium.
-
My head is spinning.
So one goes to a pants stall in a market and winks at the pant seller knowingly and say "Gorrenny eggs mate?" (nudge) and Pants Man/Lady then rummages below and discreetly offers a selection of gravity operated or electric wobbly things with string attached?! eeek:
Do they come with a manual written in pidgin english?
Must try that at Birkenhead Market on Saturday. I fear that Mrs Nick may know nothing of these devices of which you speak (though come to think of it I imagine at least 2 of her friends are up to speed, but they were air hostesses).
Go to Ann Summers or any shop with ADULT written on the blacked out windows. The Market Traders gave up on such things when licences were required to sell "Adult" items.
Trust the Councils to find another way to tax people. ::)
And if you want to have some idea if and how they work insert a pair into your anus and go for a jog along the beach ~ I'll even pay for them if you really want to try it out ~ but don't forget to leave the string hanging out or you may have trouble with recovery, and the A&E department will have a good laugh point:
As in Doctor "Good God man you have a vibrator stuck in your backside, this will be difficult to remove"
Patient "Don't remove it doc ~ just change the batteries please"
-
I am off for a lie down!
-
You shouldn't have told Nick that there are male versions. Who's he gonna ask about that.
-
You shouldn't have told Nick that there are male versions. Who's he gonna ask about that.
Well strictly speaking there aren't male versions they are just multi-purpose. Now vibrating butt plugs! Those have to be for men! eeek:
-
Anal beads close enough?
-
You shouldn't have told Nick that there are male versions. Who's he gonna ask about that.
Well strictly speaking there aren't male versions they are just multi-purpose. Now vibrating butt plugs! Those have to be for men! eeek:
Not necessarily. eyes:
-
Multi purpose? eeek:
Vibrating butt plugs (sounds like Jumping Beavers - which, come to think of it, appears to be in the right vicinity as an expression of astonishment)
Multi purpose? noooo:
-
Anal beads close enough?
I refer the Honourable Member to the reply I gave earlier. eyes:
-
You shouldn't have told Nick that there are male versions. Who's he gonna ask about that.
Well strictly speaking there aren't male versions they are just multi-purpose. Now vibrating butt plugs! Those have to be for men! eeek:
I think that they are now called "prostate massagers" and are promoted as being as an aid to healthy well being eyes:
-
noooo: surrender:
-
Multi purpose? eeek:
Vibrating butt plugs (sounds like Jumping Beavers - which, come to think of it, appears to be in the right vicinity as an expression of astonishment)
Multi purpose? noooo:
Nick, my petal, I think I am going to have to take you in hand. Your education clearly needs touching up a little.
-
I think I am going to have to take you in hand
eeek:
That's the proposed pint cancelled then. Unless I borrow Mrs Nick's trouser rivets.
This is like some surreal episode of Round the Horne!! What are you all on today? Or is it me?
-
Jet lag/hallucinations?
-
You mean this thread and its contents are a figment of my addled brain?
-
Multi purpose? eeek:
Vibrating butt plugs (sounds like Jumping Beavers - which, come to think of it, appears to be in the right vicinity as an expression of astonishment)
Multi purpose? noooo:
Nick, my petal, I think I am going to have to take you in hand. Your education clearly needs touching up a little.
Bless him he really is an innocent little flower isn't he. point:
How bad do you think it is? Do you think he knows anything in this department? Chocolate body paint?
-
I think I am going to have to take you in hand
eeek:
That's the proposed pint cancelled then. Unless I borrow Mrs Nick's trouser rivets.
This is like some surreal episode of Round the Horne!! What are you all on today? Or is it me?
Yep! You be Julian and I'll be Sandy lol:
-
Multi purpose? eeek:
Vibrating butt plugs (sounds like Jumping Beavers - which, come to think of it, appears to be in the right vicinity as an expression of astonishment)
Multi purpose? noooo:
Nick, my petal, I think I am going to have to take you in hand. Your education clearly needs touching up a little.
Bless him he really is an innocent little flower isn't he. point:
How bad do you think it is? Do you think he knows anything in this department? Chocolate body paint?
I hope not ~ I'm diabetic! eeek:
-
You mean this thread and its contents are a figment of my addled brain?
You'll feel much better after a good night between the sheets.
-
Multi purpose? eeek:
Vibrating butt plugs (sounds like Jumping Beavers - which, come to think of it, appears to be in the right vicinity as an expression of astonishment)
Multi purpose? noooo:
Nick, my petal, I think I am going to have to take you in hand. Your education clearly needs touching up a little.
Bless him he really is an innocent little flower isn't he. point:
How bad do you think it is? Do you think he knows anything in this department? Chocolate body paint?
I do know about that. Someone bought us some as a wedding present I think. Mrs Nick was caugh eating it with a spoon till I explained.
Goodness. Some of the things you lot get up to. noooo:
I had a look
YIKES
http://www.annsummers.com/single.asp?gid=7&cat=8&pid=4553 (http://www.annsummers.com/single.asp?gid=7&cat=8&pid=4553) eeek:
-
You mean this thread and its contents are a figment of my addled brain?
You'll feel much better after a good night between the sheets.
His egyptian high thread count sheets complete with condom pocket?
-
You mean this thread and its contents are a figment of my addled brain?
You'll feel much better after a good night between the sheets.
What Nick hasn't realised is that the Mrs Nick and The Boy will be up, bright eyed and bushy tailed, at some ungodly hour and will wake him up. eeek:
-
OK
I have ordered a cataloge for Mrs Nick. I shall report on her reactions when it arrives! ;D
-
OK
I have ordered a cataloge for Mrs Nick. I shall report on her reactions when it arrives! ;D
Uh oh!
-
Danger, danger eeek:
-
I fear Nick may not be long for this world. sad24:
-
The scene -
"now dearest, please take somet ime to look through this and let me know what you fancy"
-
She won't know that I ordered it!
-
MEANWHILE, back on topic, the Turkish mossies seem to like prime Surrey beef (not foot + mouth infected) but are not chomping on the Scousers or fat holidaymakers from Krautland. It shows they have taste. I am not sure on their opinions on love balls or anal beads, though.
Tel, tell you young friend he would be wise to scrub his uglies with wire wool and Jeyes fluid.
-
She won't know that I ordered it!
What? She will think it's from a secret admirer?
-
We get tons of junk mail!
And she is forever ordering things from catalogues. Makes a change from effing saucepans. ::)
-
She won't know that I ordered it!
Think she might guess you know.
-
I know her. She will not guess!!
-
I know her. She will not guess!!
Famous last words noooo:
-
I know her. She will not guess!!
So what reaction are expecting? ;)
-
Mixture of amazement/amusement/curiousity evil:
-
Mixture of amazement/amusement/curiousity evil:
She might just suffle it away never to see the light of day.
-
They have both just woken up. I explained that I was making a delightful roast chicken and salad and suchlike to eat at about 6.30 so that we could sort of get our body clocks resynchronised.
They both went, "Yuk. Chicken"
Well they can f*ck off. It is that or starve little family.
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
-
Bacon and pancakes were perhaps more their sort of thing?
-
Mixture of amazement/amusement/curiousity evil:
She might just suffle it away never to see the light of day.
I assume that to be a typo of Souffle ~ If Nick can get it to rise! <snigger> whistle:
-
drumroll:
point:
-
Mixture of amazement/amusement/curiousity evil:
What about - "already got that "
-
As we sit in Dalaman airport - on the floor, having been raped to the tune of 42 quid for exceeding our baggage weight allowance, I can feel my normal calm demeanour going west. Young's Ordinary may have to wait a bit longer, as I think I may kick the sh1t out of the obnoxious check-in clerk soon.
And the ordered taxi didn't turn up to take us from the hotel to the airport...
The one I hired, mind you, got us here faster than the Milennium Falcon.
We are meant to take off in five minutes, but we haven't even boarded yet.
-
Poor you... happy100
In the excitement and anticipation of going on our hols we always seem to forget what a bummer it is to have to pack up and come back again at the end... noooo:
-
Blinkin. The flight actually got home early. I was sat, however, next to a middle-aged man who arrived on a wheelchair. And - lo and behold - he didn't get charged, even though I'm sure the wheelchair alone exceeded the paltry 15kg limit. So it seems that fat people and spaccers are subsidised by us normal sized people.
Not fair.
-
Blinkin. The flight actually got home early. I was sat, however, next to a middle-aged man who arrived on a wheelchair. And - lo and behold - he didn't get charged, even though I'm sure the wheelchair alone exceeded the paltry 15kg limit. So it seems that fat people and spaccers are subsidised by us normal sized people.
Not fair.
Llandudno is lovely at this time of the year and they sell Brains bitter.
-
Llandudno is lovely at this time of the year and they sell Brains bitter.
Make that Brains Dark and I may take the chance. whistle:
-
Make it Bishop's Finger and I may be over myself...
...in fact, I will be over on October 5th whistle:
-
Make it Bishop's Finger and I may be over myself...
...in fact, I will be over on October 5th whistle:
Just can't keep away can you ::) Running out of cheddar, bacon or HP sauce?
-
Make it Bishop's Finger and I may be over myself...
...in fact, I will be over on October 5th whistle:
Just can't keep away can you ::) Running out of cheddar, bacon or HP sauce?
Nah, horse brasses for the bar... whistle:
-
Make it Bishop's Finger and I may be over myself...
...in fact, I will be over on October 5th whistle:
Just can't keep away can you ::) Running out of cheddar, bacon or HP sauce?
Nah, horse brasses for the bar... whistle:
Beware of forgeries!
Rumour has it 'someone' is melting down a gasometer for pennies and horse brasses.
-
Make it Bishop's Finger and I may be over myself...
...in fact, I will be over on October 5th whistle:
Just can't keep away can you ::) Running out of cheddar, bacon or HP sauce?
Nah, horse brasses for the bar... whistle:
Beware of forgeries!
Rumour has it 'someone' is melting down a gasometer for pennies and horse brasses.
I'll look out for them... cool14:
-
Make it Bishop's Finger and I may be over myself...
...in fact, I will be over on October 5th whistle:
Just can't keep away can you ::) Running out of cheddar, bacon or HP sauce?
It'll be marmite he's after.
-
Make it Bishop's Finger and I may be over myself...
...in fact, I will be over on October 5th whistle:
Just can't keep away can you ::) Running out of cheddar, bacon or HP sauce?
It'll be marmite he's after.
Nope! noooo:
-
Make it Bishop's Finger and I may be over myself...
...in fact, I will be over on October 5th whistle:
Just can't keep away can you ::) Running out of cheddar, bacon or HP sauce?
It'll be marmite he's after.
Well you can tell me ~ I won't breath a word to the others. whistle:
Nope! noooo:
-
Make it Bishop's Finger and I may be over myself...
...in fact, I will be over on October 5th whistle:
Just can't keep away can you ::) Running out of cheddar, bacon or HP sauce?
It'll be marmite he's after.
Well you can tell me ~ I won't breath a word to the others. whistle:
Nope! noooo:
point:
-
(https://www.virtual-pub.com/SMF/proxy.php?request=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bestofmostof.com%2F07may%2Fimages%2F070518snoopy1.jpg&hash=c0c7704391abb0e23e1afb639a95564b009d9a8e)
-
So the time of year has come whereby I will be off to sunnier climes for the traditional fortnight of sun, sea and diarrhoea.
As usual I have timed it perfection in that the sun has recently made itself known once more here following the recent monsoon season, so I will doubtless miss what is laughably called "the British Summer".
Come Friday night, I will be herded through Gatwick South like a sheep going to the abattoir in a place resembling a scene from Dawn of the Dead. I will be standing, cheek by jowel with various horrors - all coughing, snotting, farting, staring into space and listening to some detritus on the iPod/MP3 thingies.
When we finally get to the front of the Check-In queue, the uninterested attendant will ask me to put our bags on the weighing device and it is at this point, they can give you their sanctimonious stare when they proudly declare that you have exceeded the 15kg limit per person. Now, I ask you - 15kgs! The weight of my PG Tips tea bags, Fray Bentos meat pies and Suntan lotion probably comes to about that, before we even start considering my Speedos, sandals and white socks. But that's the limit, because some chinless wonder further up the scale thinks that reducing the weight may save a few trees. Well excuse me, but that is bollo*. If I were to turn around in the queue I will doubtless see all manner of human dustbins, sweating profusely and each weighing the same as a small terraced house.
How about having a maximum weight limit for the people flying?! Surely that's fairer - say 100kg for passenger and luggage combined? Think of the benefits - the anorexic models can take bags and bags of Chanel, Dior, Karen Millen & George gear and still be OK. The porkers? Well, you guessed it, they won't be able to fly unless nearly naked and carrying no more than a toothbrush and deodorant. Many will simply not be able to fly, so the airport will be a lot quieter. The holiday trade in the UK will boom as the heifers re-acquaint themselves with the Kiss-Me-Quick hat, radiation contaminated shellfish and shifty B&B owners. After a few years of that, they may even decide to get healthy - the benefits for the nation are endless. And all the while, I will be sunning my ar$e laughing at them...
I think I could be on to something here?
Seems someone was listening!
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/articles/news/news.html?in_article_id=493023&in_page_id=1770
-
I wonder if those of us that weigh less than the ‘norm’ will get a refund? rubschin:
-
But your baggage, with all the toupees would cancel that out :-)
-
Banghead
-
Banging your head on the wall was probably the cause of you loss of upper hirsuiteness...