You know the sort of things. My mate Mr Clift keeps having a camera shoved up his arse.
I've had that, Flexible Sigmoidoscopy. It's not so much the being uncomfortable, it's the embarrassment factor
Down here they out-source it to one of the local health centres, but you have to have nothing to eat for 12 hours before, and give yourself an enema before attending.
So enema done, in I go, they explained the procedure, that to view the bowel/intestine etc they have to inflate the bowel with air first, and the camera follows, and they move it around to ensure they view it all etc. He explained that because the bowel fills with air from the bottom it will feel as though I need to go to the toilet straightaway, but not to worry cos it's only air
As soon as he had he explained it, with no warning....bang, the air hose was in and filling the bowel with air. I'm lay there with me knees up to me chest, nursey controlling the air, and the doctor moving the camera around inside and viewing it on the monitor with a cheery "you can watch it too if you want"
) After about one minute I could really feel the pressure building in the bowel and asked "are you sure nothing will happen?" "Oh no, it's normal to feel like that" Luckily for them, he was right
Anyway, the procedure lasts for about three minurtes, but it feels like 20. At the end he says "well that's you done JOM, if you can get dressed and we'll forward the results on.
As my bowel felt totally full, I got dressed as quick as I could and went to the toilet as quick as I could. The toilet was directly opposite the reception area and on closing the door I was very conscious that I could hear every single word the receptionists were saying, and thought to myself, if I can hear every word they say, they will be able to hear every noise I make. So I tried to let it out quietly
Not a fucking chance... the loudest, wettest, longest fart I have ever done went on and on, there was three minutes of air in there and I reckon this must have gone on for two minutes, the other minutes worth coming out with every gear change on the way back to work. I didn't dare look any of them in the eye as I emerged, and I swear to this day that they have a sweepstake on which of the days patients will fart the longest
End result was good though, no bowel cancer
(yes, thumbs up, I know)
