The Irish Diet

[Snoopy]

An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," the doctor instructed the Irishman. "The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds."

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost near 60 pounds!

"Why, that's amazing!" said the doctor. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Irishman nodded ... "I'll tell you, though, by jaysuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day."

"From the hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from the fookin' skippin'!"

[Nick]

An Irishman goes to his doctor.

He gets examined.

The doctor says, "I want you to run 10miles a day for three weeks. Then call me again."

Three weeks pass.

The Irishman calls.

The doctor says, "How are you feeling?"

The Irishman says, "Much better."

The doctor says, "Come and see me."

The Irishman says, "I can't. I'm in Truro!

 

[Just One More]

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. 'What
happened to you?' asks Sean, the bartender.
Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight,' says Paddy.
'That little shit, O'Conner,' says Sean, 'He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand.
''That he did,' says Paddy, 'a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it.
''Well,' says Sean, 'you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand? ''That I did,' said Paddy. 'Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight.



A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth, sits down, but says nothing. The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the drunk continues to sit there. Finally, the
Priest pounds three times on the wall. The drunk mumbles, 'ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side either!
   

[Just One More]

And still on religion...

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation... No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Jaguar every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"
 
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"
 
More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."
 
There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies: "Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, 'Fuck the Vicar'.