Two nuns

[Barman]

Two nuns are driving along a street at night and stop at a red light. Suddenly, from above, a vampire drops onto the bonnet. He looks at them with hunger in his eyes, and they know they have got to do something quick to save their very lives.

"Quick sister, show him your cross," says the quick thinking driver. At which the other nun winds down the window, leans out and shouts.

"Get off the fucking bonnet, you pointy tooth cunt."

[The Moan Ranger]

Two Nuns in a bath.

One says "Where's the soap".

The other replies, "yes it does, doesn't it"...

[Uncle Mort]

The Mother Superior told 2 nuns to repaint the nun living quarters but not to get any paint on their habits otherwise they would be in deep trouble.

The first nun suggested they take all their clothes off so they wouldn’t get paint on their robes. The second nun agreed. She locked the door; they took off their clothes and started painting.

Then there was a knock on the door.

Nun 1 said, "who is it?" and someone answered "blind man"

Nun 2 said, " it's a blind man let him in he won't be able to see us"

So nun 1 unlocked the door, the man comes in, looks at her and says "hey nice boobs, anyway I'm here to fix the blinds"

[Uncle Mort]

Two nuns riding bicycles down a cobbled street, and one turns to the other and says "Do you know, I've never come this way before."

[Snoopy]

Two nuns driving through Ireland when they run out of petrol and are forced to walk to the nearest village. They ask at the village shop, which has a petrol pump outside of it, if they can buy a can of petrol. "To be sure I am happy to sell you the petrol Sisters but I have no cans" says the shopkeeper.
"Well" replies one nun "Have you nothing we can carry the petrol in?"
"I'll see" says the shopkeeper and vanishes through to the living quarters at the back of the shop. After some minutes he reappears carrying a chamber pot. "I'm sorry sisters but this is the only thing I have that is big enough to hold a gallon of petrol"
"That'll do nicely" says one of the nuns and off they set, back to their car, carrying the chamberpot, full of petrol, carefully between them.
When they get to the car they start to pour the petrol very carefully from the chamber pot into the tank at which point a large and very posh car pulls to a halt next to them and the Revd Ian Paisley sticks his head out of the window.
"Sisters!" he bellows "I may hate your religion but by God I have to admire your faith!"