Fooking useless bastards

[barmisspah?]

SO the bank ask me for a document. I send it to them. I get a call yesterday saying it's fine and that my mortgage is approved. 

Then they decide they want something from my accountant.  Turns out she in America and not back for a month 
 

But she's only just come back hasn't she ?

[Nick]

Nooooooooooooo 

[Barman]

Nooooooooooooo 

Who is paying for that holiday in Ameriky like...? 

[Nick]

The fooking bastards have introduced a new loop into it. Bastards 

[Barman]

The fooking bastards have introduced a new loop into it. Bastards 

Of course they have - what did you expect...?

[Uncle Mort]

My annuity company made a mistake on one of my two pension pots they received in that they set it up without taking off the 25% tax free payment first. My financial advisor has just rang to say they've sorted it out and they have sent me the payment. The good news is that they given me £1,000 for making an error.

[Snoopy]

Lend us a quid 

[Uncle Mort]

Sorry, I'm just a poor pensioner.   

[Pastis]

Nice one Uncle 

[Snoopy]

I keep telling people that I am an ex-serviceman fallen upon hard times but it makes no difference

I went into a public-'ouse to get a pint o' beer,
The publican 'e up an' sez, "We serve no red-coats here."
The girls be'ind the bar they laughed an' giggled fit to die,
I outs into the street again an' to myself sez I:
O it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, go away";
But it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins", when the band begins to play,
The band begins to play, my boys, the band begins to play,
O it's "Thank you, Mister Atkins", when the band begins to play.

I went into a theatre as sober as could be,
They gave a drunk civilian room, but 'adn't none for me;
They sent me to the gallery or round the music-'alls,
But when it comes to fightin', Lord! they'll shove me in the stalls!
For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, wait outside";
But it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide,
The troopship's on the tide, my boys, the troopship's on the tide,
O it's "Special train for Atkins" when the trooper's on the tide.

Yes, makin' mock o' uniforms that guard you while you sleep
Is cheaper than them uniforms, an' they're starvation cheap;
An' hustlin' drunken soldiers when they're goin' large a bit
Is five times better business than paradin' in full kit.
Then it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, 'ow's yer soul?"
But it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll,
The drums begin to roll, my boys, the drums begin to roll,
O it's "Thin red line of 'eroes" when the drums begin to roll.

We aren't no thin red 'eroes, nor we aren't no blackguards too,
But single men in barricks, most remarkable like you;
An' if sometimes our conduck isn't all your fancy paints,
Why, single men in barricks don't grow into plaster saints;
While it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Tommy, fall be'ind",
But it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind,
There's trouble in the wind, my boys, there's trouble in the wind,
O it's "Please to walk in front, sir", when there's trouble in the wind.

You talk o' better food for us, an' schools, an' fires, an' all:
We'll wait for extry rations if you treat us rational.
Don't mess about the cook-room slops, but prove it to our face
The Widow's Uniform is not the soldier-man's disgrace.
For it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' "Chuck him out, the brute!"
But it's "Saviour of 'is country" when the guns begin to shoot;
An' it's Tommy this, an' Tommy that, an' anything you please;
An' Tommy ain't a bloomin' fool -- you bet that Tommy sees!

[Uncle Mort]

TBH ~ I prefer his cakes. 

[Snoopy]

Well ~ at least we now know who our friends are