It has not been a good day so far, starting at 6AM when Mrs TMR (to be) informed me that water was dripping from the kitchen ceiling (true)...anyhoo, managed to fix that one pretty quicky. And it set me thinking...
No, the real problem today was always going to be the "Thank you for all your hard" work lunch at a nice little Italian near Sutton station. Table for 8. 7 of them I have absolutely no problem with whatsoever. It was the other one. I will call her Cruella for now.
Prior to the lunch was the project closedown meeting. Six of us there. Including Cruella. The meeting was scheduled for two hours, at her behest. My plan was to get in and say that a violent stomach disorder would mean that I would, unfortunately(!), give it a miss. My colleauge, who actually started on the same day as me way back in 1990 spouted up first and used THE EXACT SAME EXCUSE. Git! A plan B needed to be hatched, and quickly.
The other 5 of us could have nailed the meeting in 45 minutes if it were not for Cruella's continued interruptions about unrelated matters when she worked for Barclays in 1975 blah, blah, blah...By one hour and fifteen minutes, even the two of us in the room most hardened to her ramblings were in a stupor like the horses outside Buckingham Palace. I considered eating my own earwax to alleviate the boredom.
And then...the miracle of the BlackBerry happened. Firstly - the unplanned bit, a message from the MDs secretary saying his laptop wouldn't fire up - could I help. Seeing as he is 45 miles away in Reading I said it was unlikely, but I would call him when I finished this interminable meeting. Meeting finished at 11.45, we are scheduled to all go to lunch at 12. Phoned the MD, no answer. Phoned again at 11.55, no answer. I told the lunchers that they should proceed to the restaurant and I would catch them up. They left. Got hold of the MD (don't know how I managed to keep dialling the wrong number to begin with...) and sorted the laptop via the old "take the battery out, give a few minutes, slam it in and pray" method. He was dead pleased.
Knowing that Cruella's PA was lurking and "extremely keen" that I went to the lunch I approached her and asked if she could phone Cruella to say I was on my way. She got on the blower straight away and then...amazingly...my mobile started ringing! I couldn't believe what I was hearing...water dripping through the kitchen ceiling and could I go home straight away. PA had finished her phone call by this stage. I told her my story of woe. Told her to ring Cruella back and relay this, apologies and all that. Then bunged my coat on and disappeared to the pub for a couple...
Why, you may ask, did I go to such lengths purely to avoid one person? The answer is simple. She is a total custard and if I had gone, I may well of ended up killing her for the good of mankind. There are no words in the English language to describe the hatred and utter contempt I hold for her.
And a big thank-you to Mrs TMR (to be) for the timely phone call
