Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself ~~"Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin."
-- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not
pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but
fine against a wall."
-- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.
I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.
-- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.
-- George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year
-- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
-- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if
you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
-- Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
-- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she
stops to breathe.
-- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
-- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
-- Alex Levine
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant
form of misery.
-- Spike Milligan
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.
-- Joe Namath
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap.
-- Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
-- W.C Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.
-- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid
you.
-- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.
-- Phyllis Diller
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.
-- Billy Crystal
