Utter non stories from local rags

[Nick]

They abound.

We get three a week. All full of shite

An example, which sums up our local area!

Bebington man exposed himself in Birkenhead takeaway
Nov 12 2008 By Staff Reporter

A DRUNKEN man put his private parts into a woman’s shoe while visiting a Birkenhead takeaway on his way home from a night out.

Mark Molyneux, 24, has now been ordered to sign the sex offenders’ register for the next five years after admitting exposing himself in DeNiro’s takeaway, in Birkenhead.

Wirral magistrates’ court yesterday heard he visited the Grange Road East premises in the early hours of Sunday August 31.

At the counter, Molyneux met three women who had themselves just returned from a night out clubbing in Liverpool. One of them was holding her shoes after taking them off to ease her tired feet.

In a statement read by prosecutor Amanda Cullen, the woman, who cannot be named, said: “He placed his hands on my hips from behind but I pushed them away.

“I had hold of my shoes because my feet were tired from dancing.

“He snatched one of them away from me and I said ‘give them back’, but he turned around and began to fumble about.

“Then I saw that he had put his penis inside my shoe.”

The court heard at first they thought Molyneux was going to urinate into the shoe, but he then hid it behind his back while still exposing himself.

She continued: “We told him to stop being stupid and that it was disgusting.”

The court heard Molyneux then became aggressive, grabbing a second girl by the wrist and throat and pushing her into a wall, prompting one of them to call the police.

Representing himself in court, Molyneux said: “I am very sorry and I will try to make sure it does not happen again. I will co-operate fully with whatever decision you come to.”

Asked by the magistrates if he still drank, he said he did but not usually as much as he had on that night.

He added: “That kind of behaviour is just not in my character.”

Molyneux, of Gorseyville Road, Bebington, pleaded guilty to assault and exposure.

Magistrates awarded £100 compensation to the owner of the shoe and £150 to the second victim, who was left with finger marks around her neck. Molyneux must also complete a 12-month community order of 200 hours’ work and pay £80 costs.

[Snoopy]

Gorra fill the pages with something or people complain that local papers carry nothing but adverts.

Besides which the girls concerned, not to mention their families, will be pleased to see the "naming and shaming" of their attacker. Justice has to be seen to be done.

You can always throw the local paper away unread ~ your choice really. They make excellent liners for the bottoms of bird cages.


Now me with my editor's hat on .... I get comments like yours from people with every issue we produce and I have some sympathy; not everyone is interested in the results of the inter village bowls competitions for example but all members of the Bowls Club love to see their names and results in print.

My usual response to complainers is "If you don't like it write me something better and I'll publish it."

[Nick]

Questioned by the judge about inserting his penis into a woman's shoe in a takeaway he said:

and I will try to make sure it does not happen again

Try?

A friend once had to explain to an elderly spinster that a poem she had written which contained the lines:

The fishermen
Their rods vibrating

was unsuitable for inclusion in a parish magazine.

She was baffled

[Darwins Selection]

I am excused from contributing to any local publications. 

[Nick]

Fetches popcorn

[Snoopy]

I am excused from contributing to any local publications. 

Who barred you ~ Mrs DS#3 or the Editor?

[Darwins Selection]

I am excused from contributing to any local publications. 

Who barred you ~ Mrs DS#3 or the Editor?

Both.

Apparently some of my phraseology was prone to misinterpretation, usually after publication.

[Nick]

 

Fetches popcorn

[Snoopy]

I do find that phrases like "Useless b@st@rds" and "Self serving C*nts" do tend to upset the local councillors. 

My local parish council tried to get me shut down because I published an article, written by a local resident, taking the p*ss out of a notice they had erected that was full of spelling errors.
They went so far as to contact a Solicitor but their minutes disclosed that he replied that they should "Grow up".

[Nick]

 

[Darwins Selection]

I do find that phrases like "Useless b@st@rds" and "Self serving C*nts" do tend to upset the local councillors. 

My local parish council tried to get me shut down because I published an article, written by a local resident, taking the p*ss out of a notice they had erected that was full of spelling errors.
They went so far as to contact a Solicitor but their minutes disclosed that he replied that they should "Grow up".

My speciality is the use of multiple negatives which need careful checking.

I was particularly pleased with:

“I would refrain from making any suggestion which contradicted the view that there had been a lack, in the matter of the poorly maintained street lighting at least, of irresponsible action on the part of the council”

Reported in two local rags as "Mr Selection supports council policy. . ." and "Mr Selection slates council policy. . "

[Snoopy]

I do find that phrases like "Useless b@st@rds" and "Self serving C*nts" do tend to upset the local councillors. 

My local parish council tried to get me shut down because I published an article, written by a local resident, taking the p*ss out of a notice they had erected that was full of spelling errors.
They went so far as to contact a Solicitor but their minutes disclosed that he replied that they should "Grow up".

My speciality is the use of multiple negatives which need careful checking.

I was particularly pleased with:

“I would refrain from making any suggestion which contradicted the view that there had been a lack, in the matter of the poorly maintained street lighting at least, of irresponsible action on the part of the council”

Reported in two local rags as "Mr Selection supports council policy. . ." and "Mr Selection slates council policy. . "

Nice one DS ~ very nice.