Radio 2's Steve Wright only reads out letters from people who say how much they love him and his show. I know this because me and my mates write to him regularly to tell him we think he's a c*nt and he never reads our letters out.
Mark Edwards, Leek
I am married to a Taiwanese lady, and people often ask me if she was a mail-order bride. I find this very insensitive. The Royal Mail loose around 2 million letters and parcels each year, and to suggest that I would trust the delivery of my wife to them is insulting in the extreme. She was sent by DHL next day delivery.
L Palmer, London
With reference to Mr Palmer's previous letter. I am also married to a Taiwanese lady, but nobody ever asks me if she is a mail order bride. But perhaps that's because I am also Taiwanese. And we live in Taiwan.
Lo Chi Chang, Taipei
On holiday a few years back, I took part in a quiz and managed to reach the final only to lose out after what I consider to this day, to be a correct answer. The question asked 'What 'C' would you associate Jeremy Clarkson with?' to which I confidently replied 'c*nt'. Not only was I told the answer was incorrect, but I was asked by the holiday rep to leave the premises immediately. Has anyone else experienced such appalling treatment whilst holidaying with one's family?
Noel, Leeds
I recently bought a fridge freezer from Currys, and after I had paid for it they asked me for my address to arrange delivery. I told them that I lived between Gateshead and Hexham, and if they rang me a week next Tuesday between 8am and 7pm, I night be able to give them a six hour slot when I would be able to take delivery. When they rang me, I told them that my house was out of stock and they should ring back on Saturday. The shoe's on the other foot now, isn't it, Currys?
DF Kant
Why is it that Channel 4's Big Brother are allowed to install loads of cameras in a house and watch the residents' every move. But when I put one tiny camera in my neighbour's bathroom I get bound over for 12 months. There's no justice.
Simon Eldritch
Ronseal 5 Year Woodstain does exactly what it says on the tin, does it? Funny that. I've looked all over the label and nowhere does it say 'Makes your front door look like an African elephant has wiped its ar*e on it.'
Steve Edwards, Welshpool
Last week I attended an AA meeting, and to my horror, each person present stood up and openly admitted to being an alcoholic. I'm not having these boastful drunkards repairing my car. I can only hope the RAC have more responsible employees.
Hugie Dixon, West Drayton
I'm fed up with finding my e-mail inbox stuffed full of adverts for p*nis enlarging pills. In the interests of sexual equality, isn't it about time that they started bombarding women's computers with adverts for f*nny tightening tablets?
Neil, Scot
VIZ MAGAZINE TOP TIPS...
1. If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply
pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The
blockage is almost instantly removed.
2. Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the
chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the BLOODY thing
in the first place, you fat b***ards.
4. Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a
fat friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box.
The possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off
smoking Any of them.
5. Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a
stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass
to the side of the road every time you have a minor accident.
6. Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and
nodding at people as they walk up the aisle.
7. Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their
lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.
8. Girls.. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie
in a sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you
over the fence.
9. Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
10. Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts
and grazes with thin strips of bacon.
11. Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply
changing your name to match your existing plate. - Mr. KVL 741Y
12. Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to
the object you wish to view.
13. Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving
fully refreshed and on time.
14. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes
the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.
15. Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.
16. Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of
arrest, imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight
to your intended destination in the first place.
17. Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air
over any that you catch in the act.
18. An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an
inexpensive vibrator.
19. Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic
steroids by running a bit slower.
20. Liverpool fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply
strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to
all, as to your allegiance.
21. Liverpool fans. Avoid an asymmetrical bulge in your right arm by
masturbating furiously with your left arm too.
22. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by
simply pissing in the sink.
23. Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of
steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn,
meat substitute etc tastes exactly like the real thing, they will not
know any difference.
24. Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no
doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them
about yours, and ask for a nice steak.
