*I was walking through the cemetery this morning and saw a guy crouching down behind a tombstone. I said, "Morning."
He said, "No, just taking a shit".
*When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that the Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked Him to forgive me.
*My wife was in labour with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs." She looked at me and said, "You did this to me you bastard!"
I casually replied, "If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'It'll be too painful'."
The man is a God
