A free lunch does exist!

[GROWLER]

Went into me newsagents to buy a stamp and hurl my daily insults at Mr Slobby this morn.

The assistant was in the back room, and I could see her hurling boxes of butties into the bin.

OI! I exclaimed. Whatya doin' with them I asks?

They've gone past their eat by date, so we have to bin 'em.

Oh no you don't I excitedly retorted.
Give us a couple and I'll scoff them for me nosebag later, so she did.

Egg and bacon with sald and mayonnaise was consumed at lunchtime.
Most yumster on fresh brown sweet as a nut nutty bread, and a price tag of £zero.

[Barman]

Trots... 

[GROWLER]

Trots...  

No. Gorra buffalo gut made out of reinforced girders.
9 hours on and I'm just fine.

I tell you, they tasted fresh to me.
Soft as a babies arse so to speak.

[Barman]

Mega-trots... 

[Miss Demeanour]

How far past the sell by date were they ?

[GROWLER]

Mega-trots... 

Nah. I'm just fine.
This sell by /eat by date nonsense is just that.
H&S shite that's all...to cover their arses like.

I'm going back on Monday for more.

[GROWLER]

How far past the sell by date were they ?

9 hours. Bloody joke, and utter waste!

[Barman]

[Miss Demeanour]

No worries then ....in fact you are saving them on their refuse charges . Local hero actually  

[GROWLER]

Isn't there a name for bin rummagers?

Tell you, they tasted twice as nice cus they were free, and I'm doing the landfill a service too.
A win win situation, and highly recommeneded.

Some say, I'm a tight arse.
I say, I agree.

[Barman]

Isn't there a name for bin rummagers?

Tell you, they tasted twice as nice cus they were free, and I'm doing the landfill a service too.
A win win situation, and highly recommeneded.

Some say, I'm a tight arse.
I say, I agree.

You were....  

[GROWLER]

No worries then ....in fact you are saving them on their refuse charges . Local hero actually  

Correct.

I did check them for fungus first like. You have to be careful like.

I'm off to the Asda now anyway....back entrance first like.

[Nick]

I thought this was about the lunch I bought you when you set fire to all that mayonnaise, like 

[Barman]

I thought this was about the lunch I bought you when you set fire to all that mayonnaise, like 

 

[GROWLER]

I thought this was about the lunch I bought you when you set fire to all that mayonnaise, like 

You see. this is EXACTLY what gets right upon my tits with you, yes YOU!
Total and utter exageration of the real story.

I DID NOT set fire to the mayonaise at all, DID I?
NO, and you know it.

I merely 'helped' myself to gain entry into the sachet contents, by 'tickling' and 'softening' the leading edge of said sachet with the aid of a flame, that is all, ok? 

As for the meal being free, I actually had to pay, by virtue of the fact that I had to actually be there with you to eat it.

Next?