Mr Nick gets awkward at the bank

[Nick]

Me to operative with clipboard: I have an appointment with Tiffany
Op: Please go to the 3rd floor. Off I go.
Me on 3rd floor: I have an appointment with Tiffany
Op 2: Please take a seat (I decide not to steal one but merely sit instead)
Tiffany: Good morning Mr Nick, so you want to open a business account.
Me: No
Tiffany looks perplexed
Me: I need to open a business account
Tiffany: That is what I said
Me: No I have to open a business account, but I don't want to. It's about IR35
Tiffany: I see. Um, walk this way. [Tiffany totters ahead on stillettoes but I refrain from copying]
Tiffany: So you are setting up a new business?
Me: NO, I have been running it for 15 years, I merely need a business account now
Tiffany examines her pen: Well, let's get started. I will have to perform a credit check. Is that OK?
Me: What are my options?
Tiffany: You have to agree.
Me: And if I don't agree?
Tiffany: You can't open an account
Me: So I have to agree?
Tiffany: Um yes.
Me: I agree

It became a nightmare and I ended up going to a different bank where Anthony set up an account in ten minutes AND gave me an electronic random number generator 

[Barman]

Name and shame! 

[Miss Demeanour]

Poor Tiffany - you never gave her a chance really 

[Nick]

I have spent the weekend co presenting a conference on language and linguistics    I was in a funny mood 

[Miss Demeanour]

As I say ....poor Tiffany 

First thing on a Monday morning and she gets Mr Uppity to deal with 

[Nick]

SHe ought to regard it as a learning experience 

[Miss Demeanour]

As should you 

[Miss Demeanour]

As should you 

Whose time was ultimately wasted ? She had to be there like.

[Nick]

SHe told me the process would take an hour (Barclays), the guy at HSBC took ten minutes 

SHe may have been after my body though 

[Miss Demeanour]

That's some serious quantitative easing   

[Barman]

SHe told me the process would take an hour (Barclays), the guy at HSBC took ten minutes 

SHe may have been after my body though 

[Nick]

 

[Snoopy]

I left HSBC after a telephone conversation that went:
Phone rings and I answer it by giving my name (as I always do)
Bank: "Hello is that Mr Snoopy?"
Me: "Yes"
Bank: "For security purposes can you confirm your telephone number"
Me: "Yes"
Bank: "Well what is it?"
Me: "If you want me to tell you my telephone number then say so ~ if you want me to confirm it then you must tell me what you think it is and I'll confirm whether you have it right"
Bank: "That's not how it works"
Me: "It does if you speak English .... Anyway you must have the right number as you called me and I have answered"
Bank: "It's a security matter"
Me: "Then call MI5"
Bank: "It is for your protection"
Me: "So how do I know that you are indeed the HSBC?"
Bank: "Because I told you when I called and you answered"
Me: "And I told you who I was when I answered .... anyway I do not discuss my financial affairs over the telephone, I suggest you write to me"
Bank: "But your account is set up for telephone banking"
Me: "Not any more it isn't ~ You will be receiving a letter from me ~ Goodbye"


I have had similar conversations with Electricity Companies, Insurance Sales Staff, The Post Office and sundry others and have probably mentioned it before but why oh why do they let these muppets loose on the public?

[Nick]

We are surrounded by idiots 

[Darwins Selection]

I left HSBC after a telephone conversation that went:
Phone rings and I answer it by giving my name (as I always do)
Bank: "Hello is that Mr Snoopy?"
Me: "Yes"
Bank: "For security purposes can you confirm your telephone number"
Me: "Yes"
Bank: "Well what is it?"
Me: "If you want me to tell you my telephone number then say so ~ if you want me to confirm it then you must tell me what you think it is and I'll confirm whether you have it right"
Bank: "That's not how it works"
Me: "It does if you speak English .... Anyway you must have the right number as you called me and I have answered"
Bank: "It's a security matter"
Me: "Then call MI5"
Bank: "It is for your protection"
Me: "So how do I know that you are indeed the HSBC?"
Bank: "Because I told you when I called and you answered"
Me: "And I told you who I was when I answered .... anyway I do not discuss my financial affairs over the telephone, I suggest you write to me"
Bank: "But your account is set up for telephone banking"
Me: "Not any more it isn't ~ You will be receiving a letter from me ~ Goodbye"


I have had similar conversations with Electricity Companies, Insurance Sales Staff, The Post Office and sundry others and have probably mentioned it before but why oh why do they let these muppets loose on the public?

Just tell them they have to come into your branch to sort it out.