The All New Quote Of The Day Thread

[Darwins Selection]

Just listened to an item on the wireless about this latest 'Halal lamb in supermarkets' business.

Some 'expert' was asked for a simple explanation of Halal slaughter:

"There are three main things that must be applied:

1) The animal must be alive at the time of slaughter. . . . "


I didn't catch 2) and 3) from my position rolling on the floor.

[Barman]

BM - I'll have what Steve's on please . . . 

I think he found the bottles of my piss too.... 

[Steve]

BM - I'll have what Steve's on please . . . 

I think he found the bottles of my piss too.... 

   they was obvious from the floating green scum and the geiger counter readings

[Barman]

Just listened to an item on the wireless about this latest 'Halal lamb in supermarkets' business.

Some 'expert' was asked for a simple explanation of Halal slaughter:

"There are three main things that must be applied:

1) The animal must be alive at the time of slaughter. . . . "


I didn't catch 2) and 3) from my position rolling on the floor.

 

[Baldy]

Just listened to an item on the wireless about this latest 'Halal lamb in supermarkets' business.

Some 'expert' was asked for a simple explanation of Halal slaughter:

"There are three main things that must be applied:

1) The animal must be alive at the time of slaughter. . . . "


I didn't catch 2) and 3) from my position rolling on the floor.

 

    

[Barman]

I recycle as little as possible, for moral reasons.

The moral reason being that the council’s mandatory recycling programme with its baffling assortment of unsightly coloured tubs cluttering up my driveway and the horribly inconvenient fortnightly bin collection is an affront to liberty, reason, and Steveanessence.

Thankfully the privately run tip is a short drive away, so on weekends I load up my 4×4 with black bin bags full of dead batteries, soiled nappies, plastic bottles, and low energy lightbulbs, then toss them into the pit marked “non-recyclable waste”.

I’ve always hated The Environment ever since I saw that rat-faced idiot Swampy on the telly with his lice-ridden, dreadlocked, trustafarian chums trying to stop a perfectly good bypass from being built.

Looking at their gaunt, pale faces and mad, staring eyes and grubby, benefit-scrounging hands I knew then that I would devote my life to fighting The Environment and all its evil, germy, spidery works.

Fuck you, The Environment. You’re the bastard who invented wasps.

Clicky....

[Baldy]

I recycle as little as possible, for moral reasons.

The moral reason being that the council’s mandatory recycling programme with its baffling assortment of unsightly coloured tubs cluttering up my driveway and the horribly inconvenient fortnightly bin collection is an affront to liberty, reason, and Steveanessence.

Thankfully the privately run tip is a short drive away, so on weekends I load up my 4×4 with black bin bags full of dead batteries, soiled nappies, plastic bottles, and low energy lightbulbs, then toss them into the pit marked “non-recyclable waste”.

I’ve always hated The Environment ever since I saw that rat-faced idiot Swampy on the telly with his lice-ridden, dreadlocked, trustafarian chums trying to stop a perfectly good bypass from being built.

Looking at their gaunt, pale faces and mad, staring eyes and grubby, benefit-scrounging hands I knew then that I would devote my life to fighting The Environment and all its evil, germy, spidery works.

Fuck you, The Environment. You’re the bastard who invented wasps.

Clicky....

 

[Steve]

  . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Identity Fraud, I tell thee

[Barman]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Identity Fraud, I tell thee

Of course, of course....

[Steve]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Identity Fraud, I tell thee

Of course, of course....

you should see what I've run up on his credit cards

[Barman]

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Identity Fraud, I tell thee

Of course, of course....

you should see what I've run up on his credit cards

 

[Grumpmeister]

BM - I'll have what Steve's on please . . . 

I think he found the bottles of my piss too.... 

   they was obvious from the floating green scum and the geiger counter readings

Oh no Steve, that's BM's homebrew......................just back away slowly and don't make any sudden noise. 

[Barman]

On Bojo.....

So here we are in the wonderful territory so well summed up by the old chants: ‘with a ladder and some glasses, you could see the Hackney Marshes, if it wasn’t for the houses in between’  . Or ‘If we had some ham, we could have some ham and eggs, if we had some eggs’.

 

Clicky...

[Barman]

On anti-smoking fascists....

But it’s all concealed through the use of a language in which meanings have become inverted, so that “crisis” really means “no crisis”, “choice” really means “no choice”, “allow” really means “disallow”, and “helping” people really means “forcing” them, and so on. And all bolstered by a garbled mish-mash of conflicting “beacons” and “role models” and “incentives”.

Clicky....

[Steve]

THE EU has threatened to send your elderly expat relatives home to live with you.

Proposed restrictions on immigration to Britain have been countered by emigration restrictions, meaning the silver-haired monsters usually confined to Skype will instead be inhabiting your spare room.

European Commission boss Manuel Barroso said: “You complain that immigrants don’t integrate, don’t speak the language, and don’t respect your culture while sending us these wrinkled, reactionary sponges of sunlight?

“You moan of health tourists while sticking us with 70-year-olds yet to accept the link between smoking and cancer, and of criminals while literally renaming an area the Costa del Crime.

“Well, they’re all coming back. Oh, and bad news: their villas are worth nothing, so they’re moving in with you.

“Their bigoted breakfast table views on everything from marmalade to CBeebies will be a constant reminder that you did this to yourselves by voting UKIP.”

Returning expatriates will be kept in detainment camps for the first six weeks while they adjust to Britain not being anything like the Daily Mail has told them it is.

Yes it's a fake from the Daily Mash but make me laugh