I have just had a very strange phone conversation with a nutty bloke
I have been asked to report that he arrived safely at his destination at about 1300 hrs local time.
He is alive, caused no fatalities or accidents and to his knowledge no one as yet wants to kill him. Since his arrival on spying a Labrador dog sleeping peacefully on a neighbouring roof top he though it prudent to throw sausages at it.
He got bored, he got pissed he didn't like the sausage he purchased from the corner shop.
A near neighbour (a 
Dutch vegetarian, fish eating artist) was so impressed by his sausage throwing skills and compassion for the ravenous Labrador started chatting to him and then asked him if he would like to go out for lunch with her tomorrow. A near neighbour (a clog wearing dyke who had the decorators in) was so alarmed by him chucking his sausage about on the balcony she started shouting at him. Said artist is already fed up with him stalking her she has arranged to have him arrested at lunch time tomorrow.
His sister, a patron of the local donkey sanctuary has requested that he takes a carrot there tomorrow morning. His sister, a patron of the local donkey sanctuary has requested that he goes nowhere near there ever again after the devastation he caused there on his last visit and which she is still paying for.
He has no access to the internet until tomorrow morning when he can go and buy it from the corner shop. He has no access to the internet until tomorrow morning when Pedro comes to fix it as on arrival he tripped over some wires ripping them out of the socket.
Tuesdays local papers will carry the story of the mad sun burnt English man who, when caught by the renown lesbian hod carrier throwing his sausage at a dead dog, a much loved family pet which, only moments before had been lovingly laid to rest by three sobbing and heartbroken children proceeded to stalk her.
Furthermore the mad sun burnt English man was the cause of the fire which had swept through the local donkey sanctuary razing it to the ground. The fire started when the man dropped a sack of carrots which he had been carrying. It split on impact with the faeces covered stable floor. All would have been fine were it not for the fact that one carrot had bounced back up, knocking a lit cigarette from his mouth.
The mad sun burnt English man, in a statement to the press said that in an effort to prevent the devastating blaze he had crawled on all fours to the manure heap looking for the cigarette and that he simply had 'no idea' how the 12 inch carrot that was removed from his rectum by shocked hospital staff had got there.
Chief Inspector Clouseau confirmed that a mad sun burnt English man had been been arrested outside a fish restaurant on Monday at about 1300 hrs and that at the time of his arrest he smelt strongly of smoke and donkey manure, his shorts and underpants were around his ankles and that he had what appeared to be a very large carrot protruding from his anus. The Chief Inspector went on to say that the renowned lesbian hod carrier would not be pressing charges.
But hey you don't need me to tell you all this, he can tell you himself on his release. 
