Phone rings:
"Good afternoon sir, my name is Justin (in Peter Sellers 'Goodness Gracious' accent)
I am calling you from *mumble* Computer experts and our engineers have detected some malicious software on your computer"
DS: "Oh dear!"
Justin: "In order to rectify this problem I need you to go to your computer and do what I tell you"
DS: "This is terrible, how could this have happened? I do hope my computer is going to be alright blah blah blah"
Justin: "Don't worry sir, we will soon have this fixed for you, just go to your computer and I will talk you through what to do"
DS:"I am so grateful you called and are prepared to spend time helping me like this"
Justin:"No problem, are you at the computer now?"
DS:"Just a moment please, I am quite old and it is on the other side of the room *groan and creaky getting-up noises*"
**Long pause**
Justin:"Are you there yet sir?"
DS:"Just a moment, almost there * more creaks and groans* right, I am sitting in front of the computer"
Justin:"OK sir, I need you to open your browser and type in .."
DS:"Open my what?"
Justin:"Browser sir"
DS:"Whats that?"
Justin:"Internet Explorer, Google Chrome or Firefox perhaps?"
DS:"Don't talk to me about foxes, bloody things had a dozen chickens last week, I'd like to fire them all right"
Justin:"OK sir, do you have a Blue circle with an E in it and a line through it?"
DS:"Is that the one I use to get 'Ask Jeeves'?"
Justin:"Yes that's the one"
DS:"Right, I would say it was more aquamarine than blue though (over shoulder) what do you think Marjorie?"
Justin:"If you can just click that sir"
DS:"My dear wife Marjorie has just come in from cutting flowers in the garden. (over shoulder) I have a nice young man on the phone, very helpful. Called to tell me about a problem with the computer *pause* I will ask him, what did you say your name was?"
Justin:"Justin sir"
DS:"(over shoulder) He's called Justin *pause* I will ask him. Are you Mary Harrison's boy Justin?"
Justin:"No sir, now about your computer"
DS:"(over shoulder) No he isn't"
Justin:"What I need you to do sir is type in WWW. blah blah"
DS:"OK, I'd better write this down, WW what again?"
Justin:"WWW.iggywiggywoggy blah blah"
DS:"Hang on, this blasted pen won't work"
*pause*
Justin:"Are you still there sir?"
DS:"Yes, ww what again?"
Justin:"WWW.iggywiggywoggy blah blah"
DS:"Is that upper or lower case?"
Justin:"It doesn't matter sir"
DS:"OK was that a 'y' for yokel or an 'i' for India?"
Justin:"I for India sir"
DS:"That's it, your accent, are you from India?"
Justin:"No sir, my parents were"
DS:"Really? How interesting, my uncle was in the Diplomatic service out there, Dippy Dance, I wonder if you knew him?"
Justin:"No sir I didn't"
DS:"Wonderful chap, knew Mountbatten when he was Viceroy, bloody Irish blew him up you know. Mountbatten not my uncle of course"
Justin:"Sorry sir, now about your computer, can you type in what I told you"
DS:"Yes of course, just let me switch it on now"
Justin:"** exasperated sigh**"
DS:"While it is starting up, there is another story about my uncle you will like **launches into long waffle about the Raj**"
Justin:"Is your computer on now sir"
DS:"Yes it is"
Justin:"OK, open your browser and type in what I told you"
DS:"Do I need to be online first"
Justin:"Yes you do sir"
DS:"OK, will you phone me back when I have done it?"
Justin:"I'm sorry sir what do you mean"
DS:"When I have gone on line and typed it in, will that be it or will you have to tell me to do something else?"
Justin:"Yes, you will have to type some more"
DS:"Can you tell me what it is now"
Justin:"**Getting impatient** No, you just type in the first thing then I will tell you what to do next"
DS:"OK, so you will phone me back?"
Justin:"No sir, I will hold on the line while you do it"
DS:"But I have to hang up the phone so the modem thingy can go on line"
***Pause*** Loud Urdu expletive ***Click***
At just under 17 minutes, this is an all time record for me.
