Thursday is Tax Day
The eye watering amount due has been lodged in an ISA for the last year. Today I wanted to move it to a current account. I go to the bank
Woman with clipboard: Can I help you sir?
Me: I need a balance on my ISA
WwC: First floor sir.
I ascend
Another WwC: Can I help you sir?
Me: I need a balance on my ISA
She gestures at a queue of about 50 confused looking Chinese students queuing for the one cashier and instructs me to join it
I gesture at the various "executives" staring at screens in the rest of the room.
Me: Can't one of these just look it up on the computer?
AWwC: I will ask, please take a seat.
After 20 minutes
"Ayo" approaches. "Can you come with me sir?"
I follow him
Ayo: So you want to withdraw money from your ISA?
Me: Yes, but FIRST I NEED A BALANCE
Ayo: And what is the money for sir?
Me: WHAT?
WAyo: And what is the money for sir?
Me: WHY?
Ayo sees the look in my eye and asks for ID
I produce 5 forms of ID, three of them photographic. He peruses them.
Ayo: Just a few questions sir. Your date of birth?
I tell him
Ayo: Your occupation?
Me: WHY?
Ayo: Can you confirm your address?
SIlence
Ayo: Can you confirm your address sir?
I eye him
Ayo: Can you confirm your address sir?
Me: Do you mean "TELL"?
Looks baffled
Ayo: Can you confirm your address sir?
Me: I can TELL it to you, if that is what you want.
I TELL him.
Ayo: And how many dependent children do you have?
Me: ALL I WANT IS A BALANCE ON MY ACCOUNT
Ayo: It isn't me, it is the computer.
I eye him
Ayo: ANd you are self-employed?
Me: YES
Ayo: The balance is..........................
Me: Good can you transfer £xxxxx pounds from my HSBC ISA to my HSBC Current Account please?
Ayo: That is not possible.
Me: WHY???????
Ayo: YOu have to queue for the counter (gestures at population of Beijing) and withdraw the cash and then pay it in again.
I glare at him
I join the queue and fill in the two forms.
After 20 minutes I reach the cashier. I hand her the forms.
Cashier: Have you any form of ID?
Me: HERE
I give her all five. SHe peers at the screen. "I will have to check." She goes away. For 10 minutes. China becomes restive.
Cashier: Where do you work?
Me: WHY? WHY? WHY? JUST TRANSFER MY MONEY BETWEEN MY ACCOUNTS PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE
AN executive is called. "Come with me sir?"
We go to office: "Can you confirm your address sir?"
That was when I lost it!!!!
