I have wrote another an article (for News Biscuit)

[Nick]

New Year equal opps shock for lift travellers

In a little remarked move from the European Equal Opportunities Commission it had been decreed that from January 2015 all lifts must be multilingual. The move is destined to give a much needed boost to the European translation industry.

Announcements made by lifts throughout the EU such as “Doors Closing” and “Second Floor” will have to be made in French, German, Spanish, Polish, Danish, Dutch, Portuguese, Serbo Croat, Italian, Somali and Czech  as well as English.  All lifts throughout the EU will remain stationary with the doors open until the new announcements are completed.

EU spokesman, Dr Nancy Glouberman, explained, “For too long monolingual lifts have been confusing Europe’s mobile workforce and effectively discriminating against speakers of different languages. This will level the international lift playing field at a stroke, n’est ce pas?”

It is reported that plans are well advanced for other talking technologies to be adapted. Supermarkets have been warned that self service checkouts will soon follow and will have to explain that there is an “unexpected item in the bagging area” in 22 languages.
Consumer spokesman Ron Angry complained, “This is yet another insane EU ruling which will test customers’ already fragile sanity. I foresee outbursts of lift rage and public disorder.”

[Steve]

 

[Nick]

Hit men to target town planners

Now that their hunt for Nazi refugees has drawn to a close Mossad has offered to track down escaped town planners from the 1960s.

Leader of Southampton Council, Wayne Osborne, said, “The town planners wreaked greater damage on Southampton than all the Luftwaffe raids combined. The main culprit, Nigel Williams, fled to Argentina and is believed to be using an assumed identity and living quietly as a llama farmer. The time has come to track these miscreants down and bring them to justice. “

Mossad agents will be paid by results if they bring the escaped planners back to face the courts. “We try to take them alive but we anticipate that many will prefer summary execution to the rough justice which awaits them in the UK. Accidents can be arranged,” added their spokesman, darkly.

In response Birmingham councillors are said to be considering taking out a sizeable contract on those responsible for the Bullring and New Street station. A spokesman said, “The bombing of Coventry was as nothing to the hideous damage inflicted by Chief Planning Officer Bywater who condemned generations of Brummies to living underground like trolls and scurrying through endless concrete subways. We believe the man responsible is living in quiet retirement in the Amazon under the name of Martin Bormann. Time is running out. Mossad’s rates are pretty reasonable and we believe they will deliver good value for money for Council Tax payers.”

Other cities, including Sheffield, Nottingham and Manchester are reported to be drawing up hit lists of their own.

[apc2010]

Hit men to target town planners

Now that their hunt for Nazi refugees has drawn to a close Mossad has offered to track down escaped town planners from the 1960s.

Leader of Southampton Council, Wayne Osborne, said, “The town planners wreaked greater damage on Southampton than all the Luftwaffe raids combined. The main culprit, Nigel Williams, fled to Argentina and is believed to be using an assumed identity and living quietly as a llama farmer. The time has come to track these miscreants down and bring them to justice. “

Mossad agents will be paid by results if they bring the escaped planners back to face the courts. “We try to take them alive but we anticipate that many will prefer summary execution to the rough justice which awaits them in the UK. Accidents can be arranged,” added their spokesman, darkly.

In response Birmingham councillors are said to be considering taking out a sizeable contract on those responsible for the Bullring and New Street station. A spokesman said, “The bombing of Coventry was as nothing to the hideous damage inflicted by Chief Planning Officer Bywater who condemned generations of Brummies to living underground like trolls and scurrying through endless concrete subways. We believe the man responsible is living in quiet retirement in the Amazon under the name of Martin Bormann. Time is running out. Mossad’s rates are pretty reasonable and we believe they will deliver good value for money for Council Tax payers.”

Other cities, including Sheffield, Nottingham and Manchester are reported to be drawing up hit lists of their own.

 

[Steve]

Hit men to target town planners

Now that their hunt for Nazi refugees has drawn to a close Mossad has offered to track down escaped town planners from the 1960s.

Leader of Southampton Council, Wayne Osborne, said, “The town planners wreaked greater damage on Southampton than all the Luftwaffe raids combined. The main culprit, Nigel Williams, fled to Argentina and is believed to be using an assumed identity and living quietly as a llama farmer. The time has come to track these miscreants down and bring them to justice. “

Mossad agents will be paid by results if they bring the escaped planners back to face the courts. “We try to take them alive but we anticipate that many will prefer summary execution to the rough justice which awaits them in the UK. Accidents can be arranged,” added their spokesman, darkly.

In response Birmingham councillors are said to be considering taking out a sizeable contract on those responsible for the Bullring and New Street station. A spokesman said, “The bombing of Coventry was as nothing to the hideous damage inflicted by Chief Planning Officer Bywater who condemned generations of Brummies to living underground like trolls and scurrying through endless concrete subways. We believe the man responsible is living in quiet retirement in the Amazon under the name of Martin Bormann. Time is running out. Mossad’s rates are pretty reasonable and we believe they will deliver good value for money for Council Tax payers.”

Other cities, including Sheffield, Nottingham and Manchester are reported to be drawing up hit lists of their own.

 

[Baldy]

Hit men to target town planners

Now that their hunt for Nazi refugees has drawn to a close Mossad has offered to track down escaped town planners from the 1960s.

Leader of Southampton Council, Wayne Osborne, said, “The town planners wreaked greater damage on Southampton than all the Luftwaffe raids combined. The main culprit, Nigel Williams, fled to Argentina and is believed to be using an assumed identity and living quietly as a llama farmer. The time has come to track these miscreants down and bring them to justice. “

Mossad agents will be paid by results if they bring the escaped planners back to face the courts. “We try to take them alive but we anticipate that many will prefer summary execution to the rough justice which awaits them in the UK. Accidents can be arranged,” added their spokesman, darkly.

In response Birmingham councillors are said to be considering taking out a sizeable contract on those responsible for the Bullring and New Street station. A spokesman said, “The bombing of Coventry was as nothing to the hideous damage inflicted by Chief Planning Officer Bywater who condemned generations of Brummies to living underground like trolls and scurrying through endless concrete subways. We believe the man responsible is living in quiet retirement in the Amazon under the name of Martin Bormann. Time is running out. Mossad’s rates are pretty reasonable and we believe they will deliver good value for money for Council Tax payers.”

Other cities, including Sheffield, Nottingham and Manchester are reported to be drawing up hit lists of their own.

 

 

[Darwins Selection]

Hit men to target town planners

Now that their hunt for Nazi refugees has drawn to a close Mossad has offered to track down escaped town planners from the 1960s.

Leader of Southampton Council, Wayne Osborne, said, “The town planners wreaked greater damage on Southampton than all the Luftwaffe raids combined. The main culprit, Nigel Williams, fled to Argentina and is believed to be using an assumed identity and living quietly as a llama farmer. The time has come to track these miscreants down and bring them to justice. “

Mossad agents will be paid by results if they bring the escaped planners back to face the courts. “We try to take them alive but we anticipate that many will prefer summary execution to the rough justice which awaits them in the UK. Accidents can be arranged,” added their spokesman, darkly.

In response Birmingham councillors are said to be considering taking out a sizeable contract on those responsible for the Bullring and New Street station. A spokesman said, “The bombing of Coventry was as nothing to the hideous damage inflicted by Chief Planning Officer Bywater who condemned generations of Brummies to living underground like trolls and scurrying through endless concrete subways. We believe the man responsible is living in quiet retirement in the Amazon under the name of Martin Bormann. Time is running out. Mossad’s rates are pretty reasonable and we believe they will deliver good value for money for Council Tax payers.”

Other cities, including Sheffield, Nottingham and Manchester are reported to be drawing up hit lists of their own.

 

 

 

[Nick]

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2014/12/30/hit-men-to-target-escaped-town-planners/ 

[apc2010]

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2014/12/30/hit-men-to-target-escaped-town-planners/ 

 

[Nick]

Bastards cut the New Street station bit 

[Nick]

Nottingham man abandons attempts to work out what day it is

As the festive season drags on, Nick Warren (59) of Nottingham has ceased trying to work out what day of the week it is.

“I am pretty sure that Christmas Day was a Thursday, but there were three Saturdays in a row before that and since then it seems that Saturday and Sunday have alternated. Shop opening hours don’t help anymore and I distrust Google Calendar. Friends tell me that today is Tuesday but that just feels wrong. Star Trek films are on the telly and they are only allowed at weekends. I give up.”

Doctors across the UK report cases of temporal disorientation in patients at A&E with many sufferers stumbling around in a confused state asking staff, “Is it Wednesday yet?”

Emergency services are reported to be buying up stocks of calendars for victims to ensure the economy can restart on January 5th 2015.

[apc2010]

Nottingham man abandons attempts to work out what day it is

As the festive season drags on, Nick Warren (59) of Nottingham has ceased trying to work out what day of the week it is.

“I am pretty sure that Christmas Day was a Thursday, but there were three Saturdays in a row before that and since then it seems that Saturday and Sunday have alternated. Shop opening hours don’t help anymore and I distrust Google Calendar. Friends tell me that today is Tuesday but that just feels wrong. Star Trek films are on the telly and they are only allowed at weekends. I give up.”

Doctors across the UK report cases of temporal disorientation in patients at A&E with many sufferers stumbling around in a confused state asking staff, “Is it Wednesday yet?”

Emergency services are reported to be buying up stocks of calendars for victims to ensure the economy can restart on January 5th 2015.

    

[Steve]

Nottingham man abandons attempts to work out what day it is

As the festive season drags on, Nick Warren (59) of Nottingham has ceased trying to work out what day of the week it is.

“I am pretty sure that Christmas Day was a Thursday, but there were three Saturdays in a row before that and since then it seems that Saturday and Sunday have alternated. Shop opening hours don’t help anymore and I distrust Google Calendar. Friends tell me that today is Tuesday but that just feels wrong. Star Trek films are on the telly and they are only allowed at weekends. I give up.”

Doctors across the UK report cases of temporal disorientation in patients at A&E with many sufferers stumbling around in a confused state asking staff, “Is it Wednesday yet?”

Emergency services are reported to be buying up stocks of calendars for victims to ensure the economy can restart on January 5th 2015.

    

[Nick]

New Year equal opps shock for lift travellers

In a little remarked move from the European Equal Opportunities Commission it had been decreed that from January 2015 all lifts must be multilingual. The move is destined to give a much needed boost to the European translation industry.

Announcements made by lifts throughout the EU such as “Doors Closing” and “Second Floor” will have to be made in French, German, Spanish, Polish, Danish, Dutch, Portuguese, Serbo Croat, Italian, Somali and Czech  as well as English.  All lifts throughout the EU will remain stationary with the doors open until the new announcements are completed.

EU spokesman, Dr Nancy Glouberman, explained, “For too long monolingual lifts have been confusing Europe’s mobile workforce and effectively discriminating against speakers of different languages. This will level the international lift playing field at a stroke, n’est ce pas?”

It is reported that plans are well advanced for other talking technologies to be adapted. Supermarkets have been warned that self service checkouts will soon follow and will have to explain that there is an “unexpected item in the bagging area” in 22 languages.
Consumer spokesman Ron Angry complained, “This is yet another insane EU ruling which will test customers’ already fragile sanity. I foresee outbursts of lift rage and public disorder.”

I posted this on the Tesco Faceache page. "Traci" replies, "Why dont they mind their own business it is our country." 

[Steve]

New Year equal opps shock for lift travellers

In a little remarked move from the European Equal Opportunities Commission it had been decreed that from January 2015 all lifts must be multilingual. The move is destined to give a much needed boost to the European translation industry.

Announcements made by lifts throughout the EU such as “Doors Closing” and “Second Floor” will have to be made in French, German, Spanish, Polish, Danish, Dutch, Portuguese, Serbo Croat, Italian, Somali and Czech  as well as English.  All lifts throughout the EU will remain stationary with the doors open until the new announcements are completed.

EU spokesman, Dr Nancy Glouberman, explained, “For too long monolingual lifts have been confusing Europe’s mobile workforce and effectively discriminating against speakers of different languages. This will level the international lift playing field at a stroke, n’est ce pas?”

It is reported that plans are well advanced for other talking technologies to be adapted. Supermarkets have been warned that self service checkouts will soon follow and will have to explain that there is an “unexpected item in the bagging area” in 22 languages.
Consumer spokesman Ron Angry complained, “This is yet another insane EU ruling which will test customers’ already fragile sanity. I foresee outbursts of lift rage and public disorder.”

I posted this on the Tesco Faceache page. "Traci" replies, "Why dont they mind their own business it is our country." 

What have you started?  How long before UKIP are launching a protest about it?