Our Village

[Nick]

Spurred on by a remark in another thread I got to thinking.

John and the dog have just walked past.John is the Village Idiot.
Charlie drove past at the same time. He ran off with a lesbian last year.
Neil has also shacked up with a lesbian
4 more lesbians live along the road
They are next to the pagan morris dancers
Landlady of one pub is very aggressive
Guy who does the quiz night there is in the middle ofa sex change (M to F) and has taken to wearing dresses to get ready for his post-op life
The Unconvincing Transvestite rides around on his bike
Rusty the Fudge, er, makes fudge
Jimmy drives about in his VOlvo, which he shouldn't do at 94, but what can you say
HH appears to have had a lobotomy
Enormi-woman has taken to running, which is painful to watch
Thrifty Harry collects tat and makes aliving from floggin it. His garden looks like Steptoe's yard
Albert collects dead trees (Growler will have seen them on the top corner). He says they are for his "retirement"
Neville the 30 year old paperboy is autistic and has to deliver the newspapers in a very precise, and utterly inefficient, sequence otherwise he goes nuts. It takes him from 6 a.m. until about noon.
And so on

I sometimes think I am the only normal person here

[Snoopy]

You fit perfectly Nick ~ believe me 

[Bar Wench]

Ahhh it now all makes sense!

[GROWLER]

I sometimes think I am the only normal person here

 

Pure genius!!

[Barman]

Something in the water perhaps? 

[Nick]

There is something wrong with the water at present. Dark Brown

[Barman]

There is something wrong with the water at present. Dark Brown

That'll be the village problem then...

[GROWLER]

There is something wrong with the water at present. Dark Brown

No worries.
Morgan Est. (bring chaos and bedlum to a road near you shortly) probably connecting the sewer pipe up to the mains water.
Happens all the time.

[Nick]

Last time it happened I called the Water people. "Yes your water is brown. We have no idea why but it is perfectly safe to drink."

I invited them round to have some!

[Nick]

Oh yes. I went out for a pint last night. Ralph (aged about 70) informed me loudly (I think he had had a few) that his wife had told him 30 years ago that she "wasn't interested in this sex business" and that he should go elsewhere if he need to do "that sort of thing".

Too much information really

[Snoopy]

Oh yes. I went out for a pint last night. Ralph (aged about 70) informed me loudly (I think he had had a few) that his wife had told him 30 years ago that she "wasn't interested in this sex business" and that he should go elsewhere if he need to do "that sort of thing".

Too much information really

How very civilised ~ they don't build wives like that any more ~ unfortunately.

[Nick]

I had forgotten about this numpty. He write little local walking guides. Today he is leading a group on a walk around the village. They are normally attired. He is wearing:

Big Khaki shorts
Thick socks
Huge boots
A bobble hat

He is wearing a backpack, carrying a special sort of stick, has a map slung round his neck and a portable GPS navigation device. Christ, is he expecting to get lost and starve to death? It's a walk round the village FFS. What do you need GPS Navigation for?

[Snoopy]

Why do people who own and carry a camera need a mobile phone that takes pictures? 

It's all to do with the fact that they cannot control their urge to own the gadgets. In the case of your local guide/numpty it is his equivalent of a Tat Mountain.

[Misunderstood]

Spurred on by a remark in another thread I got to thinking.

John and the dog have just walked past.John is the Village Idiot.
Charlie drove past at the same time. He ran off with a lesbian last year.
Neil has also shacked up with a lesbian
4 more lesbians live along the road
They are next to the pagan morris dancers
Landlady of one pub is very aggressive
Guy who does the quiz night there is in the middle ofa sex change (M to F) and has taken to wearing dresses to get ready for his post-op life
The Unconvincing Transvestite rides around on his bike
Rusty the Fudge, er, makes fudge
Jimmy drives about in his VOlvo, which he shouldn't do at 94, but what can you say
HH appears to have had a lobotomy
Enormi-woman has taken to running, which is painful to watch
Thrifty Harry collects tat and makes aliving from floggin it. His garden looks like Steptoe's yard
Albert collects dead trees (Growler will have seen them on the top corner). He says they are for his "retirement"
Neville the 30 year old paperboy is autistic and has to deliver the newspapers in a very precise, and utterly inefficient, sequence otherwise he goes nuts. It takes him from 6 a.m. until about noon.
And so on

I sometimes think I am the only normal person here

I'll bet good money that that's what they all say.   

[Nick]