The (un)official Coronavirus guidelines:
1. You MUST NOT leave the house for any reason, but if you have a reason, you can leave the house
2. Masks are useless at protecting you against the virus, but you may have to wear one because it can save lives, but they may not work, but they may be mandatory, but maybe not
3. Shops are closed, except those shops that are open
4. You must not go to work but you can get another job and go to work
5. You should not go to the Drs or to the hospital unless you have to go there, unless you are too poorly to go there
6. This virus can kill people, but don’t be scared of it. It can only kill those people who are vulnerable or those people who are not vulnerable people.
7. Gloves won't help, but they can still help so wear them sometimes or not
8. STAY HOME, but it's important to go out
9. There is no shortage of groceries in the supermarkets, but there are many things missing. Non essential items, if they make you happy , are now essential. You can buy paints and brushes but only to renovate not to decorate but if you are decorating a renovation this is fine.
10. The virus has no effect on children except those children it effects
11. Animals are not affected, but there is still a cat that tested positive in Belgium, plus a few tigers here and there.
12. Stay 2 metres away from tigers (see point 11).
13. You will have many symptoms if you get the virus, but you can also get symptoms without getting the virus, get the virus without having any symptoms or be contagious without having symptoms, or be non contagious with symptoms.
14. To help protect yourself you should eat well and exercise, but eat whatever you have on hand as it's better not to go out shopping
15. It's important to get fresh air but don't go to parks but go for a walk. But don’t sit down, except if you are old, but not for too long or if you are pregnant or if you’re not old or pregnant but need to sit down. If you do sit down don’t eat your picnic unless you have walked for a longer period of time than it is going to take to eat your picnic..and again don't sit on a bench to eat it.
16. Don’t visit old people but you have to take care of the old people and bring them food and medication.
17 If you have had a row with anyone in your house you can go and stay with a friend as long as they are not old or you are not related to them. You will need to prove this by stating "they are my beshish" friend at least 3 times when challenged.You can only stay with your friends for a few days but there is no limit on how many friends you can do this with.
18. If you are sick, you can go out when you are better but anyone else in your household can’t go out when you are better unless they need to go out
19 You can get restaurant food delivered to the house. These deliveries are safe. But groceries you bring back to your house have to be decontaminated outside for 3 hours including Pizza.
20. You can't see your older mother or grandmother etc, but they can take a taxi and meet an older taxi driver in a confined space.
21. You are safe if you maintain the safe social distance when out but you can’t go out with friends or strangers at the safe social distance under any circumstances.
22. The virus remains active on different surfaces for two hours ... or four hours... six hours... I mean days, not hours... But it needs a damp environment. Or a cold environment that is warm and dry... in the air, as long as the air is not plastic.
23. Schools are closed so you need to home educate your children, unless you can send them to school because you’re not at home. If you are at home you can home educate your children using various portals and virtual class rooms, unless you have poor internet, or more than one child and only one computer, or you are working from home. Baking cakes can be considered maths, science or art. If you are home educating you can include household chores within their education. If you are home educating you can start drinking at 10am
24 If you are not home educating children you can also start drinking at 10am
25. The number of corona related deaths will be announced daily but we don't know how many people are infected as they are only testing those who are almost dead to find out if that's what they will die of… the people who die of corona who aren’t counted won’t be counted
26. You should stay in lockdown until the virus stops infecting people but it will only stop infecting people if we all get infected so it’s important we get infected and some don’t get infected
27. You can join your neighbours for a street party and turn your music up for an outside disco and your neighbours won’t call the police. People in another street are allowed to call the police about your music
28 It is compulsory to go outside your house on a Thursday evening to bang saucepans . Previously this may have led to you being sectioned but now your neighbours will judge and report you if you don't.
29 It is absolutely imperative that everyone maintains social distancing unless you are clapping on Thursdays on Westminster Bridge where they need to get as many of the emergency services crammed together for the office party picture. This is not a fineable offence as you do not have to comply when wearing a uniform.
30. No business will go down due to Coronavirus except those businesses that do. Everyone will get paid something except for those that do not but don't worry as the banks have been asked to help and they have a proven track record of customer care.
