Agony Corner

[Nick]

Dear Dr. Nick,

I have an aversion to tidying-up and housework in general.

What can I do?

Barman

Employ a Filipino lady to do it for you

Sage words - and the housework? 

I dispense advice. You must act on my recommendations. If you can't be trusted with a Filipino lady around (or similar) then invest in some petrol and some Swan Vestas. Remove insurance policy from house before going any further

[Misunderstood]

Dear Uncle Nick,

I've set fire to the house, the Filipino lady has run away and it seems I don't have insurance.

Unfortunately, I not an alco or an addi to ease the pain - what should I do next?

[Nick]

That was not your problem, so I have no sympathy.

I gather that crocodiles are keen on breeding, you may wish to consider a new career in the handbag industry.

[grumpyoldsoldier]

Dear Uncle Nick,

It has got to the stage where every day that I get in from the battlefield, the mem-sahib does all she can to get on my tits.  The result of this is that I am perpetually grumpy and a shouting match usually ensues.  In addition to this, I have recently discovered the reason for my lack of sleep.  The bloody woman has been secreting a tape recorder under my pillow in attempt to brain-wash me into buying her a new car! She is obviously mad as a snake, but what should I do?

[Bikini Girl]

Dear Uncle Nick,

I have been advised to have a breast reduction.  I am worried about the premed, do you honestly think I will only feel a little Prick? 

[Misunderstood]

That was not your problem, so I have no sympathy.

I gather that crocodiles are keen on breeding, you may wish to consider a new career in the handbag industry.

Are you sure you mean breeding - I thought the word was feeding   

Anyway, they declined to join me in the handbag venture.

[Nick]

Dear Uncle Nick,

It has got to the stage where every day that I get in from the battlefield, the mem-sahib does all she can to get on my tits.  The result of this is that I am perpetually grumpy and a shouting match usually ensues.  In addition to this, I have recently discovered the reason for my lack of sleep.  The bloody woman has been secreting a tape recorder under my pillow in attempt to brain-wash me into buying her a new car! She is obviously mad as a snake, but what should I do?

Buy ear plugs

[Nick]

Dear Uncle Nick,

I have been advised to have a breast reduction.  I am worried about the premed, do you honestly think I will only feel a little Prick? 

Make sure you have a lady doctor. Liposuction has come on in leaps and bounds recently and the procedure will be only mildly agonising.

And remember: recycle!

[Sour Puss]

Dear Uncle Nick,

I think a very dear friend of mine has "Fleas".  Should I tell them, or let them work it out for themselves? 

[Nick]

Neither of these action sis necessary. But some top of the range spray (anything with lots of health warnings on the side will do) and then re label is as deodorant, cologne, "hormones to attract the opposite sex as seen on the interweb, guaranteed to make you irresistible" and then gift wrap it and give it to your "friend".

Alternatively just spray they when they are busy doing something else.

NEXT!

[grumpyoldsoldier]

Dear Uncle Nick,

It has got to the stage where every day that I get in from the battlefield, the mem-sahib does all she can to get on my tits.   The result of this is that I am perpetually grumpy and a shouting match usually ensues.   In addition to this, I have recently discovered the reason for my lack of sleep.   The bloody woman has been secreting a tape recorder under my pillow in attempt to brain-wash me into buying her a new car! She is obviously mad as a snake, but what should I do?

Buy ear plugs

What? 50 bloody quid for a consultation and all you tell me is buy earplugs!!!!! Are you bloody licenced????

[Nick]

My services are free of charge. If someone had ?50 off you I suggest you complain to the management.

Ear plugs ARE the answer. Or get her a job here. Barman is after a cleaner.

[grumpyoldsoldier]

There was a bloody big guy in a tux standing by the door that insisted on a donation for a FREE consultation from Dr Nick no chance of a refund then?

[Nick]

See him yourself! Well over 6 foot? Thick set? No neck to speak of? Cobweb tattoos?

I hear he is very approachable.

[Barman]

There was a bloody big guy in a tux standing by the door that insisted on a donation for a FREE consultation from Dr Nick no chance of a refund then?