Agony Corner

[Steve]

Coffin. You get a repatriation discount and a grant from the DSS 

We'll send the Co-Op round to measure you him up then

[Nick]

 

[Nick]

Right then. I am open for business. Ask me for advice on anything, no matter how personal. Don't be embarrassed

[Miss Demeanour]

Dear Dr Nick

I think I am the only normal person left . How do I help everybody else to see the error of their ways and transform them to being a reasonable, logical , understanding person like what I am ?

[Nick]

In my experience many women suffer from similar delusions. There is no cure for this except for hormone treatment and then a surgical sex change.

[Miss Demeanour]

What other types of sex changes are there ?

[Nick]

You would be surprised. Just look at the toilet options in many universities. To save money, the NHS does sex changes in adjacent theatres to that boobs and willies can be simultaneously donated between the two rooms. Two satisfied customers at once and a low carbon footprint 

[Steve]

Dr Nick

Please advise

That despicable scum Derek Robinson (aka Red Robbo) has died (90!) and I don't know whether to start a Despicable Scum Departed thread or just open the Champers.

[Nick]

Do both.

NEXT!

[Miss Demeanour]

Dear Doctor Nick

My personal voice assistant has just the sexiest tone and is just the most responsive experience I have ever known. How can I train the man to become equally as programmable ?

[Nick]

Men cannot be "trained" and in that respect are somewhat like cats. Spend more time listening to your telephone thingy and in time jealousy will set in and he may self-interestedly adapt his mode of communication to usurp his technical rival.

Alternatively, plug him into the mains.

NEXT!

[Steve]

 

[Nick]

AAs I have nuffink much to do today I hereby declare the surgery open 

[Steve]

Doctor Nick

Can you advise if it is safe to travel to Cyprus?  I have read stories about widespread gas explosions

[Nick]

On no account should you go to Cyprus. The indigenous population are lazy lunatics who drive like they are in the Wacky Races. The ex-pat population are wizened alcoholics who blunder around in a haze of cheap wine and home made beer. They dance like zombies to any of the many tribute bands imitating dead musicians. Weddings usually descend into unarmed combat and, yes, unqualified gas fitters regularly cause explosions. Christ, even their main power station exploded when some idiot thought it would be a good place to store explosives! And don't get me started on the hunting season....