Agony Corner

[Nick]

My only suggestion, though this is not my main area of expertise, is to put everything into turnip futures. I think we have an expert in this field in the posh bar.

[The Moan Ranger]

Trying my patience and good nature like this is not nice. Many of my clients swear by my advice and see their lives improve. Realistic advice should always be welcome. Instead, I get this!! Sadly, some people do not deserve my help. And this is a free service!! Moreover, I could just stop doing this and let you all blunder abut in a confused state. Of course, I will not do this.  Neither will I cease offering advice to the ungrateful. Get on and ask me more questions.

NEXT!

Full stop followed by "And". Such petulance.

[Uncle Mort]

 

[Barman]

Dear Dr Nick ,

The thought of retiring when I get to 67 depresses the bejiggery out of me.

Obviously I appreciate that the recent 0.25% hike in interest rates will mean that my savings will be worth billions in a few centuries and that might mean I can retire a day early but I'm looking for a fast track plan?

Do you do financial as well as emotional and practical advice ?

Marry a rich bloke! 

Not a cousin... 

[Nick]

Is it time for my rabbit joke?

[Steve]

Doctor Nick, please advise

Is it time for your Rabbit joke?

[Nick]

It is never time for my rabbit joke 

[Nick]

Doctor Nick, please advise

Is it time for your Rabbit joke?

Did you take my earlier advice or have you spent the day slaving over chores and being criticised? I fear I know the answer 

[Steve]

Doctor Nick, please advise

Is it time for your Rabbit joke?

Did you take my earlier advice or have you spent the day slaving over chores and being criticised? I fear I know the answer 

She has been mostly knitting all day and watching shite TV, I have actually got on with a few things that needed sorting.  It was a score draw until  . . . . . . . .

[Steve]

 . .. . Doctor Nick, please advise

For some while my wife has been saying "I can smell gas" in the vicinity of the water boiler.  I have of course Poo Poohed this. Today the gas service man turns up (this not being Cyprus) and he says"nah, can't smell gas".  But being a proper qualified gas man (this not being Cyprus) he gets out his calibrated Gas Sniffomatic (no, not a dog) which starts making clicking noises.  Seems she was right all along and a gas valve had to be replaced.

How do I live this down?

[Nick]

She was right and you were wrong. There is no escape. You must abase yourself. Lie on the floor face down with your arms outstretched until she tells you that you may stand. Like this:
http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?imgurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcommunio.stblogs.org%2Fordination.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fcommunio.stblogs.org%2F2010%2F04%2F&docid=EYej8QZdGkGvaM&tbnid=iC9O4fr9XDxhDM%3A&vet=10ahUKEwi-wtSU96LXAhXBAMAKHWupDRU4ZBAzCAcoBTAF..i&w=730&h=449&bih=662&biw=1366&q=priests%20abase%20themselves%20AT%20ORDINATION&ved=0ahUKEwi-wtSU96LXAhXBAMAKHWupDRU4ZBAzCAcoBTAF&iact=mrc&uact=8

You may then be allowed to kiss her ring

NEXT!

[Steve]

   seems saying "you were right" works wonders

[Nick]

 

They need to be trained out of that, you traitor

[Steve]

They need to be trained out of that, you traitor

It goes like this.  I want me Din Dins cooked, me undercrackers washed, me shirts ironed and other stuff.

I ain't stupid 

[Nick]

 

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