I would oft while away a boring meeting (before I learned how to avoid them and became a better person for it) by casting the company pantomime out of my fellow employees.
The same might well work here.
So I nominate myself as the Narrator
Nick can be Buttons ~ the loveable but incapable joker.
Wenchy as Principle Boy ~ Prince Charming (Lots of leg on show and some thigh slapping in that part).
Barman just has to be ~ Baron Hardup
Miss D ~ Cinderella
Berek & Growler ~ The Ugly Sisters
Darwin I think is a natural for ~ Widow Twanky
TMR ~ Wishy Washy the laundry boy
LandLady ~ The Good Fairy
Pussy Galore will need to supply her own Boots
Tinkerbell can do LL's stunts for her as flying about the stage on a wire might just be asking too much of her.
Now we need a villain 
Pity CJ isn't around but perhaps we could persuade Uncle Mort to take the part.
The rest of you ~ bring your own tights ~ you're all in the chorus.
Barman - Is this your feeble attempt to witness some girl on girl action 
What is the budget for costumes???
Will the lighting be soft and favourable- any chance of a few candles perchance???
Have you carried out a full Health and Safety risk assessment for assorted persons flying on high wires???
Do you really know what you are doing
Nothing to do with Barman ~ my idea.
Certainly not looking for "Girl on Girl action" thanks all the same for the offer
Simply following a time honoured tradition.
From your previous descriptions I rather thought you and Wench had enough tat to make the costumes.
Lighting will be as normal in these circumstances. If bright lights are a problem to you ~ speak to make-up and they'll give you some slap to cover the wrinkles. Deffo NO CANDLES! (I can't imagine what you are thinking of)
Since Tinkerbell is doing the flying stunts, to obviate the need for high wires, your H&S pleas are wasted.
Do I know what I am doing? ~ Well since the idea is a Fantasy Pantomime that you have ascribed to the wrong person ~ I have to ask ~
Do You?
