I have noticed there is no 'How to make pickled onions' video on videojug.
I have decided to correct this ommission by creating my own visual opus and posting it on the site.
Accordingly, I have despatched Mrs TG to shoplift a video camera.
Most of these videos are po faced dull affairs so I have decided to make mine in the style of Quentin Tarrantino. I have started the search for a faded 70's television star to front it (such as Lee Majors or Bungle off Rainbow) and have circumvented the writers strike by penning the script myself.
Here is a first draft :
When pickled onions attack : Vol IBy TG
Act 1, Scene 1
SCENE : A kitchen with worktop, on worktop is a small onion and a chopping board.
Enter THE PRESENTER (note : If Bungle is employed shoot will be on a closed set and that bastard Zippy will not be allowed through the front door) he is dresses in a black suit, white shirt and black tie. He reaches into his coat and withdraws a .45 automatic which he places on the worktop. He has mad looking eyes (note: if actor is rubbish just make hime go boz eyed and look in 2 directions at once).
PRESENTER :
OK Motherf*****s, here's the the deal. You are going to be shown how to make perfect pickled f***ing onions and you will pay attention or I will rip you arm off and beat you to death with the f***ing wet end. I sh*t you not.Sound of off camera gunshot (special effect ; blood bag bursts as our presenter takes a hit in the shoulder. Unfazed he grabs the .45 and blasts away at target offset.
PRESENTER :
Eat lead motherf***er!He puts down the gun and leans on worktop, bloodstained and foaming at the mouth, glaring madly at 2 cameras at once.
PRESENTER :
OK then f***heads. Now you gotta prepare the f***ing onions. You gotta chop their f***ing ends off and then skin the bastards. To do this f***er right you need the right kitchen cutlery item. You need THIS f***ker!Our presenter produces a massive samurai sword from under the table which he proceeds to brandish. He pauses, glares insanely at the onion, raises the sword. We cut to a slomo shot of descending blade.
PRESENTER : BANF***INGZAAAAAAIIIIIIIIII !
Screen goes black before blade hits onion.
Roll credits as follows :
To be continued in 'When pickled onions attack: Vol 2 - In theatres summer 2011.
Written, produced and directed by TG and a person.
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All i need now is 2 million quid to get production started.
