Just to help you along here are some rules that, if followed, will make sure the Landlord and his staff are on your side:
1) Please remember to order one drink at a time. We like to run backwards and forwards. It keeps us fit.
2) When ordering a round please make sure you don’t know what you want when you arrive at the bar, we like to stand and wait while you nip backwards and forwards or you shout across the room to find out, although we do generally find that the other people standing at the bar have been waiting “half an hour” and may start moaning; not your problem.
3) Once you have received two drinks please take them back to your table and stay for a quick chat before coming back to pay. We’ll still be waiting, we’re not going anywhere and we’d appreciate the rest.
4) Always order Guiness last. We really want you to stand at the bar with all your other drinks while it settles and are particularly pleased when we forget about it and have to be reminded to top it up.
5) Never put the money in our hands, we like to pick it up off the bar, especially if it is all change, and in a puddle of beer.
6) Never say “please” or “thank you” it only irritates us.
7) Always wait until you have been told how much the round is before asking for crisps, snacks etc. (When requiring ready-salted crisps please ensure you ask for the full range of flavours available before asking for “plain,” it helps us to learn the stock.
8 ) When buying a pint for “Bert,” “Tom,” etc, please don’t ask them what they want. Just tell us their name or show us where they are standing because we like to guess and get such a thrill when we get it right.
9) If, upon arriving at the bar, there are people waiting before you, shout up before them. We like to be abused by people who think that they have been served out of turn and it’s usually our own fault. We have the ability to keep track of people as they arrive at the bar, particularly on busy nights, so why not use it.
10) If you have been waiting at the bar for at least two minutes then please heckle us and tell us that you have been waiting for at least half an hour. It keeps us on our toes and we have no idea of the concept of time.
11) Can we remind you that the bell is just to make sure you’re awake, we don’t want you to come to the bar for last orders until ten minutes after, when we have turned the lights off.
12) Don’t forget to drop crisps/peanuts etc on the floor. It gives the place character and we have to keep the cleaner fully employed.
