More Top Tips

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MEN -  Make women think you are a good lover by cutting scratches in your back with a fork before walking shirtless along the beach. 

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HOSPITAL patients - Arrive for your appointment two hours after the assigned arrival time. That way, you will only have to wait an hour for your doctor to see you.

[Barman]

CASH STRAPPED police forces. The average police woman's uniform costs around £250. But Ann Summers shops do a wipe-clean one for under twenty. So save money and improve public relations in one stroke

 

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JURY FOREMEN. Add suspense to a verdict by saying “We the jury find the defendant…” and then leave a two minute pause before delivering the outcome whilst another jury member plays a low roll on a kettle drum.

[Barman]

 

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PHILANDERERS. Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by only having flings with girls who have the same name as your wife.

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SHOE EXPRESS customers. Throw your purchases away and wear the boxes instead. They'll be harder-wearing, more stylish and better fitting.

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LADIES. Prevent sexist workmen from shouting “Get yer tits out!” by having them permanently on display.

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FOOL YOUR friends into thinking you use expensive butter by simply using cheap margarine and ripping holes in the bread.

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GERMAN PERVERTS. Go to a beach in California and shout “Help! I've been stung by a jellyfish!” As the most natural remedy for this is dousing the sting in urine, you're almost guaranteed a golden shower from a gaggle of Baywatch beauties.

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MUMS. Confuse your children by mixing butter with their I can't Believe It's Not Butter. They won't know what to believe.

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FOOTBALL fans with a lisp. Support Barcelona so as you can shout for your team without appearing stupid. 

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DEAF PEOPLE. Wearing oven gloves outdoors is an ideal way to stop strangers from eavesdropping on your conversation.

[Barman]

 

[apc2010]