More Top Tips

[Just One More]

DON'T waste money on expensive iPods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few piles of dog shit in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90 degrees, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound three notches above the volume you desire; then your wife will turn it down three notches. This will save you arguing and you have the desired volume in the first place

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again, this doesn't work if the burglars work during the day.

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

DEPRESSED people. Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Next with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

McDonald's Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows by chavs.

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a toss anyway and you could use the saved energy after you've been shagged to do the ironing and washing up.

[Barman]

 

[Just One More]

COMMUTERS. When you leave your house, sprint the first 200 yards and then revert back to your regular walking speed. This will save you from having to do the run of shame for the bus nearer the stop and look like a fool when you miss it.

SKATEBOARDERS. Next time you come to a set of steps with a handrail in the middle, pick up your skateboard in one hand, grasp the handrail with the other and carefully walk down the steps. This way it won't be quite as painful on your bollocks.

KIDS. THREADING a piece of string through a ping pong ball and painting it brown is ideal for a fun game of conkers that conforms with the 1974 Health & Safety Act, section 52, paragraph c.

DRIVERS. When the salesgirl in your local petrol station holds your banknote up to the light, simply wink at her, laughingly telling her "the ink's still wet!" Trust me, she won't have heard this one before, and you might even get a shag.

NURSING home staff. Modify a bathtub by attaching roller skates to the bottom, and next time you give an old man a bath, roll him down a country lane for some 'Last of the Summer Wine' style fun.

RATS. IMPROVE your image by attaching a small brush to your arse and pretending to be a squirrel.

POTHOLERS. Take a tip from cats and avoid getting stuck in holes by growing a moustache to the exact width of your body.

BANANA LOVERS. Buy your bananas in bunches of 5 on Sunday. Then arrange them in order of ripeness and write a day of the week on each banana in felt pen, Monday on the ripest, Friday on the greenest, to save time making those decisions on a hectic weekday morning.

[Barman]

 

[Baldy]

 

[Barman]

DON'T WASTE money on a new car with air-conditioning. Simply buy one that has been in a 'death crash' and let the ghosts keep you cool.

ACTORS. Improve your chances of landing a role in a Tim Burton film by being Helena Bonham-Carter.

COMMUTERS. Give away the sad fact that your life consists of nothing but grinding routine by standing in the exact spot on the platform where the train doors will be when the service arrives.

[Just One More]

 

[Steve]

the lot

[Barman]

TIME TEAM producers. Get more done in the 3 day time limit by getting Baldrick and that lazy fucker with the wispy white hair and stripey jumper to do some fucking work.

HOUSEHOLDERS. Store yellow crayons, broken pencils, dried up biros and highlighters somewhere handy. I keep mine in a jar by the telephone.

DRIVERS. Overcome boredom on motorway journeys by closing your eyes for as long as you dare, then daring yourself to close them for longer.

[Barman]

THINKING of waterfalls and fountains is well known to help one urinate. Similarly, thinking of landslides and lorries unloading soil can help even the most constipated person clear their bowels.

B&Q. WHY not replace the ten permanently unmanned checkouts in your stores with more sales shelving, giving your customers a wider range of products they can queue up for half an hour to pay for.

WHEN COOKING spaghetti, tie all the ends together. That way you can eat it in one long suck, eliminating the drudgery of washing up knives and forks.

Growler would have liked that second one.... 

[miss Tchevious]

 

Excellent. What a way to begin the day. Mucho smileyo. 

[Barman]

PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea' as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.

BOIL AN egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell he to take the egg out the pan.

HEALTH SERVICE managers. Save millions by replacing the costly 'NHS Direct' service with a simple recorded message that says, "It's probably OK, but if it doesn't start getting better, pop along to Accident and Emergency."

[Baldy]

PHILANTHROPISTS. Be careful when giving street alcoholics money for 'a cup of tea' as some of the less scrupulous ones may be tempted to spend it on strong liquor.

BOIL AN egg to perfection without costly eggtimers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell he to take the egg out the pan.

HEALTH SERVICE managers. Save millions by replacing the costly 'NHS Direct' service with a simple recorded message that says, "It's probably OK, but if it doesn't start getting better, pop along to Accident and Emergency."

AFFS! 

[Barman]

BIG BROTHER winners. After having every fart, shit and piss broadcast to the nation, keep what little dignity you have left by not releasing a piss-poor single at Christmas.

WIG WEARERS. Don't waste money on new wigs. Simply turn your old ones round for the 'boy band' look.

PARENTS. Baffle everyone your baby daughter will ever meet by calling her 'Shivorn' but insist it is pronounced 'Sea O'Ban'.

[Barman]

FATTIES. Avoid your torso being surreptitiously filmed and used in a BBC news report about Britain's obesity problem by always wearing a T-shirt with 'All Newsreaders are Cunts' written on it.