More Top Tips

[Barman]

HAVING TROUBLE getting one of those baseball caps with the peak on the back? Simply get one with the peak on the front (available anywhere), cut the peak off and sew it on the back.

DEATH ROW prisoners. Increase your life span by a few days by having your last meal delivered from Pizza Hut.

[Barman]

HUSBANDS. Tired of sleeping with the same wife? Simply lie on top of her until she goes numb, and Hey Presto! She'll feel like someone else's wife.

TIRED OF being nagged to walk the dog? Pretend you've already taken it out by unrolling a turkey rasher out the side of its mouth whilst it lies by the fire to give it that shagged out look.

[Barman]

ANARCHISTS. When smashing the state, take care not to burn down your dole office.

[Steve]

^^^ 

MUSLIMS & JEWS avoid the supposed trauma of your children being accidentally fed gammon at school by having the dentist wire their jaws closed

CLASSIC MINI OWNERS avoid the endless expense of car repairs by selling your car as a project for a man in Cyprus

CARAVAN OWNERS end forever your social shame by letting that nice Mr Clarkson feature your 'van in a TV special

[Barman]

^^^ 

MUSLIMS & JEWS avoid the supposed trauma of your children being accidentally fed gammon at school by having the dentist wire their jaws closed

CLASSIC MINI OWNERS avoid the endless expense of car repairs by selling your car as a project for a man in Cyprus

CARAVAN OWNERS end forever your social shame by letting that nice Mr Clarkson feature your 'van in a TV special

 

 

 

[Barman]

DIETERS. Buy only Russian Alphabetti Spaghetti as there are only 22 letters in the Cyrillic alphabet. Just watch the pounds fall off.

[Steve]

 


TOO DIM TO PLAY I SPY WITH YOUR KIDS play Irish I Spy instead.  Get them to name an object and see if you can guess what letter it starts with

[Barman]

GROWLER. When buying oranges, get more for your money by peeling them before taking them to the counter to be weighed.

[Nick]

 

[Just One More]

AIR GUITAR players. Become Air-Ukulele players by shortening the distance between your hands. For that added Formby feeling, substitute head moshing with a cheeky smile and the occasional wink.

[Just One More]

MAKE YOUR own inexpensive mints by leaving blobs of toothpaste to dry on a window sill. Use striped toothpaste to make humbugs.

[Barman]

AIR GUITAR players. Become Air-Ukulele players by shortening the distance between your hands. For that added Formby feeling, substitute head moshing with a cheeky smile and the occasional wink.

[Just One More]

SUDOKU LOVERS. Solve your puzzles in seconds by logging on to http://sudoku.sourceforge.net/, typing the clues into the grid and clicking the 'solve' button. This will save hours, leaving you plenty of time to do something worthwhile.

[Just One More]

SURPRISE your wife by tidying her underwear drawer when she's out. Try on stockings to check for ladders, and try on bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep defective lingerie hidden in the shed as it can be used to clean up paint or tie garden canes, etc.

[Just One More]

PUBLIC TOILET users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.