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SURPRISE your wife by tidying her underwear drawer when she's out. Try on stockings to check for ladders, and try on bras and suspenders to check for broken clasps. Keep defective lingerie hidden in the shed as it can be used to clean up paint or tie garden canes, etc.
PUBLIC TOILET users. When you realise the person in the next cubicle is holding fire until you leave, simply open and close the toilet door without leaving. Their first plop can then be greeted with a huge cheer.
HOME OFFICE officials. Save the expense of sending David Blunkett on pricey trips to international conferences in South east Asia. Simply pop him in a flight simulator for eight hours, then sit him down in a sauna for two weeks feeding him chop suey flavoured Pot Noodles.
DON'T WASTE money buying Lo-salt. Normal salt is the same height and twice as tasty.
PLACING your penis in the bottom of your girlfriends popcorn box will give her a real shock at the cinema. Especially if you're at home watching football at the time.
SWAP YOUR wife's factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when she's confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of birds from Manchester.
TOWN PLANNERS. Confuse commuters and pensioners by calling new developments 'Sorry this bus is not in service'.
SWAP YOUR husbands factor 35 sunblock for Brylcreem on the first day of your foreign holiday. Then when he's confined to the hotel bed with sunstroke, nip out and shag loads of blokes from anywhere .
HOUSEWIVES. Look in the dictionary to find the difference between the words 'need' and 'want', then carefully choose the right one to use when talking about buying new dresses.
MCDONALD'S. Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.
MEN. MAKE women think you are a good lover by cutting scratches in your back with a fork before walking shirtless along the beach.
