More Top Tips

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FELLAS. Pretend that you are TV's Anthony McPartlin out of Ant and Dec, by looking at yourself in the back of a spoon.

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A GUINEA pig makes an ideal paint roller for your next home make over. Use a mouse for areas that need finer detail.

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HOMELESS people. Take the piss by asking for money 'for a cup of tea' whilst pissed out of your face on Special Brew.

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LADIES. Cause unnecessary congestion at petrol forecourts by waiting for the pumps on the side nearest your petrol cap, as the 9-foot long hose may not reach round your 5-foot wide hatchback.

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DRIVERS. If you catch a service station assistant drinking from a bottle of water, simply wink at her, laughingly asking if it's vodka. Even the most difficult day will be lightened by your chirpy humour.

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LADIES. When treating genital thrush, always ensure you use natural bio-yoghurt and not raspberry flavoured Munch Bunch.

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TOURETTES sufferers with an interest in Victoriana. Simply replace shouting 'fuck', 'cunt' and 'wanker' with 'poppycock' , 'fiddlesticks' and 'balderdash' to recreate an authentic Victorian experience.

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DOG OWNERS. Keep a plastic bag full of excrement behind the kitchen door. When you exercise the dog, take it with you to save collecting a new lot each time.

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MIDGETS. Draw less attention to your disability by dressing up in children's clothes and passing yourself off as a toddler.

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BIRD FLU could be quickly and easily eradicated by adding a few drops of Lemsip or Daynurse to birdbaths. Obviously, you would have to put Nightnurse in the birdbaths for owls.

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DAVINA MCCALL. Disguise your lack of TV presenting ability by gurning excessively at any nearby camera. Nobody will notice a thing.

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PARENTS. When people ask how old your child is, they want to know how old he is at the moment. The phrase 'he/she will be five next birthday' involves some tricky calculations and is not very useful.

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JOHN WAYNE. Never show any pain when receiving the beating of a lifetime, but wince when having your wounds tended by a woman.


(I always wondered about that as a kid)

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How's the post count looking for January 

[Baldy]

GIRLS. GET those old 70's bell-bottoms from the wardrobe, cut the legs off and sew them back on upside down. They will then fit you once more.