Here are the minutes in question. Names have been changed to protect the innocent. I sent them to a few "select" colleagues, however, someone obviously forwarded it to "the enemy", hence my rapped knuckles last week. They're not that offensive, are they?
"As the fag-butts tumbled their way across the road to the monolithic B & Q, the 9 o'clock gathering in the Boardroom assembled. The energy and excitement crackled in the air with as much enthusiasm as it would have in a temporary morgue in the Somme. Yours truly checked his watch, to make sure it wasn't the 1st April and that MC wasn't playing a bad joke on him.
And so to business...
Dominic was first in the MD’s spotlight and he started friskily boasting Offer turn around times of 65% and still a goodly number of new apps - even those shackled by the new criteria. He was trying hard, you have to admire his spirit, but then he turned to the subject of the outplacement activities currently underway and his eyes slowly turned to those more reminiscent in Salem's Lot. He was a beaten man - but dammit, he tried.
Next up was Cathy and the state of play railway side, 3rd floor. Everything was "fine". The amount of switcher business exceeded the target for the year. All the "Redundancy Stage 1s are done". Although said with gusto, the words rang hollow and her eyes danced across the assembled Morlocks in search of the first flesh-eater waiting to pick at the exposed meat of her vapid comments. None were forthcoming, her sigh palpable.
3rd floor, B&Q side next, Christine assumed the expression of a whipped dog when revealing that repossessions were now 88% higher than this time last year - at a whole - wait for it - 74 cases!!! In total!!! Yours truly stifled the urge to p155 himself laughing, remembering the "good old days" of 1991/2, where we would get more than 74 new cases per week. I made a note to request an oxygen cylinder and mask in the Boardroom, lest someone go into shock next time such devastating results are announced. Debt Recovery has now employed Receivers to collect the rent on B2L cases - this is working well and all new Litigation cases from 01/04 are now being outsourced. I thought the current trend was to bury the bad news in the good news, not the other way round...still, I'm left-handed, what would I know...
Last up Ann-Marie advised that the FSA had still not decided on a date on which to descend on the Compliance. No-one batted an eyelid...does anyone really give a hoot what that toothless army of ignoramuses thinks of us, when we will all be out the door before too long?
The "round the table update" had chief accountant Kieron slightly rattled when the MD asked him "if the auditors (PWC) would actually know anything about the nature of our business, this time" - this was skilfully deflected with some bean-counteresque mumbling, rabid note writing and furious nodding. Beads of sweat glistened on his shiny head. I wasn't sure whether to applaud, or to stick him on the rear parcel shelf of the Lexus.
I briefly spouted off about the lift re-furb, the "Playschoolisation" of the meeting, Dell Optiplex GX270s that are blowing up with tedious regularity and the “muppetry” of some of the user, who should be allowed nothing more complex in life than a knife and fork. The head of Personnel stared at me with the Medusa eyes. I blew him an imaginary kiss.
And then it was over. Nineteen minutes of my life that I will NEVER get back. I was sorely tempted to go outside, smoke a fag, watch is tumble over to B&Q and then shoot myself gently in the back of the head."
