More getting old (nicked from TOP) :-
After his exam, the doctor said to the elderly man: 'You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. 'After I have sex, I am usually cold and
chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually
hot and sweaty.'
After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: 'Everything appears to be
fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with
me?'
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said
to her: 'Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually
cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and
sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?'
'Oh, that crazy old fart!' she replied. 'That's because the first time is
usually in January, and the second time is in August.'
_________________________________________________________
A 54 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.
While on the operating table she had a near death experience.
Seeing God she asked 'Is my time up?'
God said, 'No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.'
Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.
She even had someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.
While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, 'I thought you said I had another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?'
God replied: 'I didn't bloody recognize you.'
_________________________________________________________
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they were caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed and the neighbours will talk if I let you stay the night in the house"
'Don't worry,' Jack said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning the weather had cleared and they went on their way and enjoyed a great weekend skiing.
However, about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of the attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked " Do you remember that good looking widow at the farm we stayed at when we went skiing about 9 months ago?"
' I do.' said Bob
'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'
'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'
'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'
Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'
'She has just died and left me everything.'
(Hands up if you were expecting that ending...)
