Cameron welcomes Eurovision result
Prime Minister, David Cameron, said today how thrilled he had been with this year’s Eurovision song contest.
“The theme was “Building Bridges”, clearly a proto-Federalist message. Fortunately, the nationalist spirit of the participating nations quickly saw that one off in a two hour fiasco of crazed posturing, exploding pianos and wind machines. The French surpassed themselves with moody pouting and for once the Belgians managed to be mildly amusing.”
He continued, “But of course it was the voting that really made me jump for joy. Forgetting about building bridges European citizens wasted no time in settling scores and humiliating their enemies. The Germans got a well deserved fat zero (no, Ms Merkel, we remember the war!) and the French did little better, they may as well have surrendered immediately after their song. Yes, I admit, we didn’t do well, but remember, almost everyone sang in English to make sure they were understood (except the Frogs) and those plucky colonials, the Aussies, did very well. “
Concerns that the male population of Europe will have to endure months of swooning over Swedish winner by their womenfolk was dismissed by experts as unlikely. “Mans Zelmerlow will soon be outed as gay and that should calm them all down,” said Heinz Vexjo, President of the Eurovision Fan Club.
Talks are now under way to begin a Eurovision Cleavage Competition in 2016 in order to cut out other distractions in next year’s contest.
