OH, about Center Parcs (apologies for that aberration) wrote:-
Let me explain to you the concept of this weird Dutch inspired Portmeirion .
I was asked by my partner if we could take the kids away at Whitsun all together and for the best part of a week. Now usually this involves a lot of umming and ahhing from me, the rental of a large camper van and copious amounts of shouting.
“No, no” she said. “Center Parcs. It’s lovely” (remember, she loves Ken Livingsnake)
I’ve never been to Center Parcs based on the fact that I try to avoid people wherever and when ever possible. I hate nearly everyone and the chances of me striking up a bon amie with anyone are smaller than Simon Cowell’s cock. Especially as I had in my mind the vision of the type of people who spend hard earned cash wandering around on bicycles and eating Muesli bars all day.
Ok, four days booked. Bargain. £1500 crisp Earth pounds gone and I’m looking forward to er….what exactly?
£1500 gets you in the gate, so I reckoned the place should be full of Swedish porn stars or money growing on trees or something because I can rent a effing villa in Tuscany for a fortnight for less than that.
We arrive at our “villa” having waited in a car park for three hours. My “cuntometer” was in overload as the place was full of MPV’s with bike racks and Rover saloons with National Trust stickers. An odd combination you might think. Indulge me, it was entirely logical.
Back to the Villa. It isn’t a villa. It is what architects (who now live in thatched cottages in pretty Oxfordshire villages) thought poor people would live in after their slums were demolished. Single story SHITE from the 1970’s, grey walls, industrial carpet, pink bathroom furniture. Picture Eastern Germany before the wall came down. Still, my kids can usually demolish anywhere in ten minutes and the world really wasn’t going to miss this place if they did, so it’s off to “the village” to check out what makes this place tick.
What makes this place tick is ugly, pig effing families with young children, poor as church effing mice because they have spent every penny they have on mortgages for “executive” Barrett houses being treated to a week away by their recently retired parents who are happily picking up the tab in the knowledge that they still own their kids financially. Hence the MPV's and the Rovers.
Not many nylon football shirted tattooed “Rickys” but plenty of Pilates stretched yummy mummies. Blokes all look like low level managers thinking they are a bit like Andy McNabb dressed from head to toe in North Face fleeces and backpacks. Lower middle class tossers who might have a BMW on the drive but work 18 hours a day just to cover the bills.
The only upper class people there were pushing their Downs Syndrome children around bewildered ducks because they left breeding until their late forties and then married their second cousins. Result = mongs.
What the **** do I care? There are lakes and I have my fishing rods. I can **** off and leave everyone to it for a couple of days, resurface at the end and drive the ungrateful bastards home again.
Except you can’t.
Center Parcs want your money. They’ve already got a effing great wedge to let you in and now they want everything you own or will ever own
It comes down to “activities” you see. Long gone are the days when you said to your kids “**** off and play, you XXXXX. See you back here at 6pm or you don’t get fed”. Oh no. Center Parcs can pamper your little Waynes and Keighlies luike no other.
Even a walk in the country has to be paid for. Family tickets available. View of squirrel, £7 each, no photos. Breath of fresh air, £4. Moving about £8, sit on bench £1.50.
They could bankrupt a millionaire. Every effing single thing you can do costs extra and I do mean extra. They have sold concessions to Starbucks who have decided to laugh in the face of the consumer and sell £5 coffees. And the XXXXX queue round the block.
I barricaded myself in my H block cell and stayed there. It still drained another £1000 out of me in food, bog paper, booze and “gifts”.
And it pissed down all week. I am NEVER going back. I suggest that these places be used to put all kids with ASBO’s instead.
Bastards
_________________
