Letters to the Editor

[Nick]

Sir:

As progressive and enlightened Britons, we recently had cause to employ a trades-man to visit our house and fit one of these so-called "shower-baths." The low fellow had clearly served his apprenticeship under some kind of socialist who disfavoured beatings as part of the educational process, for he connected the shower-head backwards; and consequently when my husband first turned on the device, all the moisture was sucked from his body and into our plumbing system. Alerted by his manly screams, I lost no time in racing below-stairs to rouse our servant from his beery stupor and have him precede me into the bath-room to garb my stricken husband in appropriate morning-dress to preserve due decency; and when I saw my beloved reduced to a husk, dehydrated almost to the point of desiccation, I threw up my hands and swooned in the shameful weakness of my sex. By chance, beside the bath lay several bottles of moisturising shower-gel we had ordered from Whiteley's Catalogue in anticipation of use with our new ablutive apparatus (how little I thought at the time they would prove all that stood between me and widowhood!) and, thinking swiftly, I had our servant wait until I was safely behind the door then douse dear Gerald with the replenishing liquidate so that the hydrolysing pectins could pump water back into his cells and maintain his life until the ambulance could arrive. By this prompt action he was saved, and lubricated to a sufficiency that he could be transferred to a stretcher without snapping brittly, although he did lose an ear. I would hope that our story serves as a warning to those considering the continental habit of the "shower-bath." If God had not intended us to bathe in the reliable British manner, he would not have had us invent the tub.
E Tannickerterly (Mrs)
Bath
 

[Nick]

Sir:

I note that sports fans are increasingly painting their faces with the flags of the country they support. This just makes them appear clowns. Particularly so in the case of Japan.
Finley Fattly
Quorum March

 
 

[Snoopy]

If memory serves, someone used to say:

Foresooth what shite through yonder thread doth wander

Or words to that effect.

[Nick]

Sir:

Statistically, we are 750 times more likely to be hit by an asteroid than we are to win the lottery. As someone wins the lottery every Saturday and every Wednesday, that means that fifteen hundred people a week in Britain must get hit by an asteroid. It is, then, a national disgrace that the list of charities which benefit from lottery money doesn't include a single Asteroid Help Line. The whole damn system is rotten to the core, I tell you.
Rapid Tonghoy
Calverley

[Nick]

Sir:

I live in a fundamentalist Buddhist community and am therefore having trouble with my sink. The plumber sadly died some while ago and a search was accordingly undertaken to find his reincarnated form. The result - a four-year-old child called Ainsley - finally arrived a week last Tuesday and proceeded to remedy the dripping from my U-bend by feverishly pushing several of his plastic Digimons down the plug-hole and eating two packs of Jaffa cakes. I rather think I'll be looking for another credo.
Timothy Dial
Tibet

[Just One More]

If memory serves, someone used to say:

Foresooth what shite through yonder thread doth wander

Or words to that effect.

I reckon he was "warmimg up" for the indoor BBQ. Love to be a fly on the wall

[Barman]

Sir:

I note that sports fans are increasingly painting their faces with the flags of the country they support. This just makes them appear clowns. Particularly so in the case of Japan.
Finley Fattly
Quorum March

 
 

The rest are shite like... 

[Nick]

Sir:

While driving from place to place, I always carry a pair of long-nosed pliers and periodically use them to nip at my scrotal sac to agonising effect. Am I mad? No, of course not. It is simply a safety precaution I have developed over the years. You see, if I am suddenly involved in an accident and badly injured, the pain I experience will be greatly reduced by the wash of endorphins already in my bloodstream because of my regular programme of genital pinching. As a bonus it also keeps me very much awake on long journeys, something I'm highly conscious of in my job as a coach driver.
Max Woollens
Stourport-on-Severn

[Nick]

Sir:

I accidentally bought a Wicca chair instead of a wicker chair. Now my entire family are toads.
Yovis Beighton
 

[The Moan Ranger]

Sir:

I accidentally bought a Wicca chair instead of a wicker chair. Now my entire family are toads.
Yovis Beighton
 

I would suggest that it was not a chair, but a toadstool that was purchased 

[Barman]

Sir:

I accidentally bought a Wicca chair instead of a wicker chair. Now my entire family are toads.
Yovis Beighton
 

I would suggest that it was not a chair, but a toadstool that was purchased 

[Uncle Mort]

Where he's getting them from. 

The Weekly

[Snoopy]

Indeed 

[Nick]

Sir:

When do you think you'll be getting around to answering my letter about this chip pan fire? The matter has now become rather urgent.
Dicky Quicky
Budleigh Salterton