Nick is Unwell

[Darwins Selection]

the sacred prostitutes of Paphos!

In your case scared prostitutes. . . 

[GROWLER]

Nick should cut out the Marlboro's.


I have a stack of Golden Virginia at a reasonable price and it has been proved that hand rolled fags are actually good for you. Honest.

Absolutely, and they ronk too.

How much you payin' for your healthy baccy then MR?

Only £5 for 50g here. 
Lasts me 10 days, so that's a mere 50p a day instead of the £5 I was paying last year for those mamby pamby boxed things.

[Uncle Mort]

After all this it turns our there is f8ck all wrong with me apart from some mild chest infection, for which I have to take antibiotics for five days.

I still blame Donna.

Glad it's nowt serious. 

[Barman]

After all this it turns our there is f8ck all wrong with me apart from some mild chest infection, for which I have to take antibiotics for five days.

I still blame Donna.

Glad it's nowt serious. 

Yes, she gave him a pain in his wallet that spread to his chest... 

[Bar Wench]

I prefer the canulas, nurses seem to be able to get those in within seconds rather than poking around for a vein for five minutes!

[Snoopy]

I prefer the canulas, nurses seem to be able to get those in within seconds rather than poking around for a vein for five minutes!

They have to put the cannulas into a vein 

[Nick]

Welcome back. How come you went into hospital in the first place? 

You dial 999 from a lying down position. At least I did 

[Snoopy]

Welcome back. How come you went into hospital in the first place? 

You dial 999 from a lying down position. At least I did 

And then people in green outfits turn up and shout at you as if you are either stupid or deaf before bundling you into an ambulance, asking a lot more damn fool questions the answers to which will then be written on a form. When you get to A&E a nurse will ask you many of the same questions and eventually a doctor, usually with a heavy Asian accent, will ask you the same questions. The questions and answers are now on three different pieces of paper and when they decide to admit you a nurse or ward secretary (depends on what time you are admitted) will perch on the edge of your bed, call you by your first name and ask you similar and sometimes the same questions. The following day, assuming you haven't either died or murdered someone in between times a more senior doctor in a suit will turn up and repeat the process. Eventually they will inform someone, usually not you, that you may go home BUT only after a further wait of a couple of hours whilst the pharmacy gets a prescription ready for you.

[Barman]

Welcome back. How come you went into hospital in the first place? 

You dial 999 from a lying down position. At least I did 

Blue lights and two-tones...?

[Snoopy]

Never two tones unless you are in cardiac arrest because "they frighten the patient". Always blue lights in case it's a heart attack but you can't see those from the back of the ambulance (for the same reason). Two tones are used to get to you but seldom to transport you.

[Barman]

Never two tones unless you are in cardiac arrest because "they frighten the patient". Always blue lights in case it's a heart attack but you can't see those from the back of the ambulance (for the same reason). Two tones are used to get to you but seldom to transport you.

I got 'two-toned' into horepickle once, many years ago... I was 19... 

[Snoopy]

I'm surprised it wasn't a chrome bell on the front bumper 

[Barman]

I'm surprised it wasn't a chrome bell on the front bumper 

[The Moan Ranger]

Nick should cut out the Marlboro's.


I have a stack of Golden Virginia at a reasonable price and it has been proved that hand rolled fags are actually good for you. Honest.

Absolutely, and they ronk too.

How much you payin' for your healthy baccy then MR?

Only £5 for 50g here. 
Lasts me 10 days, so that's a mere 50p a day instead of the £5 I was paying last year for those mamby pamby boxed things.

The last lot I purchased was £4 for 50g, but it's usually £5. One 50g pouch will keep me going about 5 days, so I am obviously smoking too much!

[Nick]

Welcome back. How come you went into hospital in the first place? 

You dial 999 from a lying down position. At least I did 

And then people in green outfits turn up and shout at you as if you are either stupid or deaf before bundling you into an ambulance, asking a lot more damn fool questions the answers to which will then be written on a form. When you get to A&E a nurse will ask you many of the same questions and eventually a doctor, usually with a heavy Asian accent, will ask you the same questions. The questions and answers are now on three different pieces of paper and when they decide to admit you a nurse or ward secretary (depends on what time you are admitted) will perch on the edge of your bed, call you by your first name and ask you similar and sometimes the same questions. The following day, assuming you haven't either died or murdered someone in between times a more senior doctor in a suit will turn up and repeat the process. Eventually they will inform someone, usually not you, that you may go home BUT only after a further wait of a couple of hours whilst the pharmacy gets a prescription ready for you.

Spot on (except add in a few more doctors). Also add in that Mrs Nick turns up while I am outside the house in the back of the ambulance and starts banging on side of it.

Decided to go out earlier and found my car battery had gone flat in my absence

Asked Mrs Nick for the jump leads and she produced them and then asked what I was waiting for."Your Car," I suggested

What did she expect  me to attach them to??