Hat, coat...

[Barman]

'UK Man has first hand transplant.'

Surely that's a second hand transplant.............

Apparently, his cock's rejected it.

 

[Just One More]

So the driving examiner Said to me, " when you come to a stop at a red light, what three things must you check?" Quick as a flash I said " facebook, Twitter, and my e mail account" apparently that wasn't the right answer !!

[Baldy]

A twin-engine passenger plane has an engine failure and the altitude and speed are decreasing rapidly. The pilot speaks over the intercom..."I'm sorry it has come to this ladies and gentlemen, but unfortunately we are going to have to jettison the luggage in order for the aircraft to remain airborne".

Baggage is thrown out but still the plane's altitude continues to decrease. Once again the pilot gets on the intercom, "I hate to do this folks but in order to save the majority we are going to have to start off-loading some passengers. The only fair way is to do this Alphabetically, so we'll start with the letter 'A'". "Africans? Are there any Africans on board?" There was no answer so the pilot calls, "Black people, are there any black people on board?" Again silence.

"C - coloured people? Are there any coloured people on board?"

Still there is silence.

A little black boy sitting near the rear of the plane turned to his mother and said, "Mum, ain't we African? Ain't we black? Ain't we coloured?"

She replied, "Yes, son but for the moment we is Niggers. Let them do the Muslims first. If that don't work we is Zulus".

[Just One More]

Sod it, it's an old 'un and been tailored for here, but it made me smile this morning...

Darwin, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Darwin.
"Well," said Darwin, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Darwin.

[Darwins Selection]

Sod it, it's an old 'un and been tailored for here, but it made me smile this morning...

Darwin, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Darwin.
"Well," said Darwin, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Darwin.

Why is this in the comedy room? 

[Snoopy]

Sod it, it's an old 'un and been tailored for here, but it made me smile this morning...

Darwin, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Darwin.
"Well," said Darwin, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Darwin.

Why is this in the comedy room? 

 

[apc2010]

Tesco burgers or mascarpone..........

[miss Tchevious]

Rising unemployment? That's just idle talk.

[Tipsy Gipsy]

Police are on the lookout for two paedophiles disguised as workmen clearing snow outside Junior Schools, they are asking parents to keep their eyes peeled for Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter.

[Barman]

Police are on the lookout for two paedophiles disguised as workmen clearing snow outside Junior Schools, they are asking parents to keep their eyes peeled for Jimmy Shovel and Gary Gritter.

 

That is daft... but funny like.... 

[Just One More]

Shit!

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present ....They were due back at the library on Friday

[Barman]

Shit!

To all those who received a book from me as a Christmas present ....They were due back at the library on Friday

 

[Barman]

Two Thai girls asked if I'd like to go to bed with them, they said it would be like winning the lottery.

I agreed and they were right - we all stripped-off and to my horror - we had six matching balls.

 

[Barman]

Bradford City have announced that Cup final tickets will start at 50 rupees and will be limited to 40 per household.

[Just One More]