Hat, coat...

[The Moan Ranger]

I had a German plumber round yesterday - he connected the gas to the shower head. Old habits die hard, eh...

[Barman]

I had a German plumber round yesterday - he connected the gas to the shower head. Old habits die hard, eh...

 

[Just One More]

A blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer. One  morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John  says to her, 'The insemination man is coming over to  impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 4" x 2" just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him  where
the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the  farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while,  the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on  the front door. She takes him down to the barn.  They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail,  she tells him, 'This is the one...right  here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to  think just might be another dizzy
blonde, the man asks,  'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be  bred?'

That's simple. By the nail over its  stall', she explains very  confidently
Then the man asks, 'What's the  nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with  complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your  trousers on.'

[Snoopy]

 

[Barman]

Oh dear oh dear... 

[Darwins Selection]

A blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer. One  morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John  says to her, 'The insemination man is coming over to  impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 4" x 2" just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him  where
the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the  farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while,  the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on  the front door. She takes him down to the barn.  They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail,  she tells him, 'This is the one...right  here.' Terribly impressed by what he seemed to  think just might be another dizzy
blonde, the man asks,  'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be  bred?'

That's simple. By the nail over its  stall', she explains very  confidently
Then the man asks, 'What's the  nail for?'
She turns and walks away, and with  complete confidence, says, 'I guess it's to hang your  trousers on.'

 

(c) Chippenham College Of Agriculture rag magazine, 1964

[Darwins Selection]

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a
single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Sometimes one of these e-mail 'funnies' strikes a chord.

[Uncle Mort]

COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a
single cow, born in Bourne almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Lincolnshire?
And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls.
But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country.
Maybe we should give each of them a cow.

Sometimes one of these e-mail 'funnies' strikes a chord.

Well, if we all had our ears tagged...

[Just One More]

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, 'You Sign! You sign!' Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, 'You Sign! You sign!'
Nelson says to him, 'Look, you've obviously got the wrong man', and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, 'You sign! You sign!' Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting: 'Look, go away! You've got the wrong man. I don't want them!' Then he slams the door in his face again.

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, 'You sign! You sign!' Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little Man by his shirt front and yells at him: 'Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?'
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says:



'You not Nissan Main Deala?'

[Just One More]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!" 

[Barman]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperm together and have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated with it. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of whom are crying and screaming.Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the gay fathers, she points out the happy child as theirs.
"Isn't it wonderful?" one gay says to the other. "All these unhappy babies .... and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves the superiority of gay love!"
The nurse says, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the thermometer out of his arse!" 

 

[Just One More]

A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.
He replied, "She called Five Horses".
The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.
What does it mean?"
The Old Indian answered,
"It old Indian Name. It mean...







NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG!

[Just One More]

A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away..
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ‘Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so
many weeks, except... "The Magic Penis!'

The Husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, 'Magic Penis, the  door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to your box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, The Wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided
she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital. On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked her for her license, then asked how much she'd had to drink. Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a few seconds, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah,, right,,,now I've heard them all Maam

Magic Penis,,,,,,,,, my arse...!'

[The Moan Ranger]

A policeman spots a huge black guy dancing on the roof of a Ford car.

He radios for backup.

"What's the situation?"

"A big fat black dude is dancing on a car roof."

"You can't say that over the radio" replies the operator,

"You have to use the politically correct terminology"

"OK" he says "Zulu...Tango....Sierra"

[Barman]