Hat, coat...

[Snoopy]

 

[Pirate]

From my part time work with the ambulance service, working with the out of hours GP, I can safely say that 99% of 90 year olds would jump at the chance to be in the team on Saturday... ...I know I would if I got to that age and had to sit there dribbling (pun) and smelling of pee, etc... it truly is an eye opener, these people have no dignity left... I hope I die before I get too old...

[Snoopy]

It could be arranged .......... For a small fee 

[Miss Demeanour]

What do you call a cupboard full of lesbians ?
A licker cabinet

What do you call lesbians in a field full of vibrators ?
Squatters

[Snoopy]

Thank you .... Please leave your number with the stage manager in case we need to call you. 

[Miss Demeanour]

What do you call a woman with two c**ts?

Jon and Edwards' Mum!

[Snoopy]

[Barman]

What do you call a woman with two c**ts?

Jon and Edwards' Mum!

 

[Tipsy Gipsy]

Recent surveys shows 3 out 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation.  The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

[Just One More]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get  off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant, "Murphy, I am going fishing  tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to  take care of the clinic and take care of all me  patients"..
"Yes, sir!" answers  Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and  returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was  your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care  of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did,  so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second  one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion  and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says  Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this  and what about the third one?" asks the doctor..
"Sir, I was sitting here and  suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading  her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!  For five years I have not seen any  man!'"


"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what  did you do?" asks the  doctor.


"I put drops in her  eyes."

[Barman]

A doctor in Dublin wanted to get  off work and go fishing, so he approached his assistant, "Murphy, I am going fishing  tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to  take care of the clinic and take care of all me  patients"..
"Yes, sir!" answers  Murphy.
The doctor goes fishing and  returns the following day and asks: "So,Murphy, how was  your day?"
Murphy told him that he took care  of three patients. "The first one had a headache so he did,  so I gave him Paracetamol."
"Bravo Murphy lad, and the second  one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had indigestion  and I gave him Gaviscon, so I did sir" says  Murphy.
"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this  and what about the third one?" asks the doctor..
"Sir, I was sitting here and  suddenly the door flies open and a young gorgeous woman bursts in so she does. Like a bolt outta the blue, she tears off her clothes, taking off everyting including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading  her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME for the love of St Patrick!  For five years I have not seen any  man!'"


"Tunderin' lard Jesus Murphy, what  did you do?" asks the  doctor.


"I put drops in her  eyes."

Yes, they like that! 

Oh, I see... 

[Just One More]

Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . . POOF!!

In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.  She said, "I'm Mother Nature!" 
"Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?"
"Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life;  better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life ... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"

Then POOF! . . . she was gone!

After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the pussy willows."


Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred;  FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!

[Barman]

 

[The Moan Ranger]

Statistically.... 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

[Just One More]

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a  large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" He says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, Man," The biker says, "I  didn't think you'd CRY.  I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the car park, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me." So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it  all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison
dissolve.  Then you, you arse-hole, show up and drink the whole  thing!

But enough about me, how's your day  going?"