Author Topic: Hat, coat...  (Read 439275 times)

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Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #180 on: January 09, 2011, 09:01:44 AM »
I mostly despair

Offline Barman

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Offline Barman

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #182 on: January 23, 2011, 09:06:01 AM »
Due to limited server space on Facebook, they have decided to upgrade and move all Niggers, Indians, Muslims + Paki's to their own affiliated site...

Jungle Book will be launched on 1st February 2011.

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Offline Miss Demeanour

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #183 on: January 23, 2011, 09:07:34 AM »
 noooo: noooo: noooo:
Skubber

Offline Pirate

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #184 on: January 23, 2011, 10:00:33 AM »
 nonono: nonono:


















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Offline Just One More

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #185 on: March 24, 2011, 06:40:36 PM »
A man walked into a Chemists and asked to talk to the male pharmacist. The elderly woman behind the counter said that she was the only qualified person there, as her chemist husband had died, and so she and her widowed sister now owned the Shop. There were no other males employed there, but she still asked whether she could help the gentleman.

He said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing with a male chemist, but she assured him that she was completely professional and whatever it was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the highest level of professionalism.

The man agreed and said, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a permanent erection. It causes me lots of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The Lady Chemist said, "Just a minute, I'll go and talk with my sister."

When she returned some minutes later, she said "We've discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is.........1/3 Ownership of the
Shop, a Company Car, and £1,500 a month plus Expenses!"
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Just One More

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #186 on: March 25, 2011, 06:43:01 AM »
An old 'un I'd forgotten about


A  father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a  story and listened to her prayers which she ended by  saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless  Daddy, God bless  Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The  father asked, "Why did you say  good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to  do."
 
The  next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange  coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl  to bed and listened to her prayers which went like  this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless  Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."

The  next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this  kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks  later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her  say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye  Daddy."

He  practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up  at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat  all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he  could get by until midnight he would be  okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of  going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,  looking at his watch and jumping at every  sound. Finally  midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went  home.

When  he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's  the matter?"
He  said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day  of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day,  you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning  the milkman dropped dead on our  porch!!
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Baldy

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #187 on: March 25, 2011, 07:08:22 AM »
 lol: lol: lol:

Offline Barman

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #188 on: March 25, 2011, 07:22:12 AM »
An old 'un I'd forgotten about


A  father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a  story and listened to her prayers which she ended by  saying:
"God bless Mommy, God bless  Daddy, God bless  Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The  father asked, "Why did you say  good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to  do."
 
The  next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange  coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl  to bed and listened to her prayers which went like  this:
"God bless Mommy,
God Bless  Daddy
and good-bye Grandma."

The  next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this  kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks  later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her  say:
"God bless Mommy and good-bye  Daddy."

He  practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up  at the crack! of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat  all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he  could get by until midnight he would be  okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of  going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee,  looking at his watch and jumping at every  sound. Finally  midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went  home.

When  he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's  the matter?"
He  said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day  of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day,  you'll never believe what happened to me.

This morning  the milkman dropped dead on our  porch!!


(C) Dave Allen 1977  ;)
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Offline Uncle Mort

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #189 on: March 25, 2011, 07:28:51 AM »
and he probably stole it from Max Miller.

Offline Barman

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #190 on: March 25, 2011, 07:52:59 AM »
and he probably stole it from Max Miller.

 lol: lol: lol:
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Offline Just One More

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #191 on: April 07, 2011, 07:25:02 PM »
John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London, is in a major car crash.When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:

"I've got good news and bad news.....Bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"

John screams "What the f**K is the good news then?"
 
"Your prick's 4" longer and you are top of the housing list"
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie

Offline Pirate

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #192 on: April 07, 2011, 07:45:33 PM »
John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London, is in a major car crash.When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:

"I've got good news and bad news.....Bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"

John screams "What the f**K is the good news then?"
 
"Your prick's 4" longer and you are top of the housing list"


 happy001 happy001



Offline Darwins Selection

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #193 on: April 07, 2011, 08:39:39 PM »
John, a lifelong white racist living in the East End of London, is in a major car crash.When he comes round 3 days later in hospital the surgeon says:

"I've got good news and bad news.....Bad news is you have had 2 pints of African blood and 2 pints of Pakistani blood"

John screams "What the f**K is the good news then?"
 
"Your prick's 4" longer and you are top of the housing list"

lol: lol: lol:
I mostly despair

Offline Just One More

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Re: Hat, coat...
« Reply #194 on: April 17, 2011, 05:46:04 PM »
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling. The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?"
"Yes."
"Oui."
"Sí."
"Ja."

 redface:
LiFe - It's an "F" in lie