Hat, coat...

[apc2010]

Once upon a time a dinosaur farted.

Extinct..........

[Darwins Selection]

Once upon a time a dinosaur farted.

Extinct..........

 
Prep school, 1950

[Barman]

Once upon a time a dinosaur farted.

Extinct..........

 
Prep school, 1950

 

[Nick]

British immigration officer, " Name?

German visitor, "Schmidt."

British immigration officer, " Occupation?"

German visitor, "No , we're only here on holiday."

[beerhead]

A little old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut. He asks the barber, "do you think you can get all my whiskers off? My cheeks are so wrinkled from age."
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years. But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does.



"

Three Aussie blokes working up on an outback mobile phone tower:

Mongrel, Coot and Bluey .


As they start their descent, Coot slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly..


As the ambulance takes the body away,
Bluey says, 'Well, bugger me, someone's gotta go and tell Coot's wife.

Mongrel says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.'

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Beer.

Bluey says, 'Where'd you get the grog, Mongrel?'

'Coot's wife gave it to me,' Mongrel replies.

'That's unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?'

'Well, not exactly', Mongrel says.

'When she answered the door, I said to her, "you must be Coot's widow."

She said, 'You must be mistaken.. I'm not a widow.'

Then I said, 'I'll betcha a case of beer you are..'

Aussies are good at that sensitive stuff.





As a bagpiper, a friend of mine plays at many gigs.
Recently he was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

As my friend was not familiar with the area, he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

He said he felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.

And as he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, and he wept, and they all wept together.

When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car.

Though his head hung low, his heart was full.

As he opened the door to his car, he said he heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[The Moan Ranger]

From the other place, kms?

[beerhead]

Yes, but I think they're not bad jokes compared to some on this thread.

If you borrow from one source, it's plagiarism. If you borrow from several, it's research !

[Barman]

As a bagpiper, a friend of mine plays at many gigs.
Recently he was asked by a Funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. The man had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a Pauper's' cemetery in the back country.

As my friend was not familiar with the area, he got lost and, being a typical man, he didn't stop for directions.

He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

He said he felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.
He didn't know what else to do, so he started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.
He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.
He played like he'd never played before for this homeless man.

And as he played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep.
They wept, and he wept, and they all wept together.

When he finished he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car.

Though his head hung low, his heart was full.

As he opened the door to his car, he said he heard one of the workers say,
"I never seen nothin' like that before and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

[Just One More]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets severed.  Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.  The nurse  says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.  Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his re-attached arm.
 
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another really big saw.So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse  replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.  And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.  And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as  usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.  Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and  transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick  is.  The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'  Paddy is  shocked, but not surprised.  'I suppose he finally injured himself too severely.  '


'No', says the nurse, 'Some dope put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.

[Barman]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day, Mick slips and his arm gets severed.  Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.  The nurse  says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.  Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his re-attached arm.
 
The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill. A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another really big saw.So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is. The nurse  replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.  And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill.  And very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as  usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.  Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and  transports it and Mick to hospital. Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick  is.  The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'  Paddy is  shocked, but not surprised.  'I suppose he finally injured himself too severely.  '


'No', says the nurse, 'Some dope put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.

 

[Just One More]

Remembering the 60's


It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue. He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced  tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.
 
Mum brought in the iced tea. 'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.
'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'
'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.
'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.
'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again!!'
'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.
'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'
'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture,  wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail. She  greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind  her.
"The Twist, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The f**king dance is called the Twist!!!"

[Barman]

Well, you couldn't see the punchline of that one coming.... 

[Just One More]

Met a Dutchman today and noticed his shoes had built in Sat-nav.....Thought to myself ''f*****g clever clogs! ''

[Barman]

Met a Dutchman today and noticed his shoes had built in Sat-nav.....Thought to myself ''f*****g clever clogs! ''

 

[Barman]

Tiger Woods & Stevie Wonder are in a bar...

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."