Hat, coat...

[Darwins Selection]

I saw my ex girlfriend walking towards me in the high street today. Not wanting to stop and chat to her, I quickly pretended that I was talking on the phone.

She walked straight up to me and said, "You're just pretending to be on the phone, aren't you?"

"Hold on a moment," I said to my pretend caller. "No, I'm not. What makes you think that I'm pretending?"

"You've got your thumb in your ear and your little finger on your lip."

 

[Just One More]

[Barman]

 

[Steve]

Affs?


Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£500!" she cried,"£500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £500."

[Barman]

Affs?


Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£500!" she cried,"£500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £500."

 

[Darwins Selection]

Affs?


Your DUCK IS DEAD
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested.. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "£500!" she cried,"£500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been £20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now £500."

 

[Just One More]

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "I didn't know that one but I could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."

[Steve]

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "I didn't know that one but I could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."

[Barman]

At a recent job interview I was asked if I could perform under pressure.
I said, "I didn't know that one but I could have a crack at Bohemian Rhapsody."

[Just One More]

Dear Sir/Madam

I remember when we were on holiday in Wales, my husband and I were sat in a pub and all they were playing were shit Oasis records, so I asked the Barman if they had any other music. Well, before we knew it, the Welsh crawled out of the woodwork cursing me and threatening me, so my husband and I left, but they gave chase, so we run and run until we finally found our car. We jumped in and sped off, never even checking the rear view mirror to see if the chasing hordes were still there, no, not once did we look back in Bangor.

Sally Kanwate

Madchester.

[Just One More]

Paddy goes into a florist and says, "can I get some flowers for my girlfriend"
Shopkeeper looks at him and says, "certainly sir what is it your after"?

Paddy replies " a shag"

[apc2010]

So apparently replying to a wedding RSVP......."maybe next time"........



Is NOT the correct response.........

[Barman]

Dear Sir/Madam

I remember when we were on holiday in Wales, my husband and I were sat in a pub and all they were playing were shit Oasis records, so I asked the Barman if they had any other music. Well, before we knew it, the Welsh crawled out of the woodwork cursing me and threatening me, so my husband and I left, but they gave chase, so we run and run until we finally found our car. We jumped in and sped off, never even checking the rear view mirror to see if the chasing hordes were still there, no, not once did we look back in Bangor.

Sally Kanwate

Madchester.

 

[Barman]

Paddy goes into a florist and says, "can I get some flowers for my girlfriend"
Shopkeeper looks at him and says, "certainly sir what is it your after"?

Paddy replies " a shag"

 

[Just One More]

I sometimes think of how much I miss my happy days at school: Forcing new pupils' heads down the toilet and flushing it; banging on classroom doors in the science block to get chased by the teachers; having a sneaky fag round the back of the bike sheds; and, of course queueing with the rest of the lads, to grab of view of slack Jenny's tits of the sixth form.

I loved that caretaker's job.