Fantastic Headlines

[Barman]

Dam the lot of you. 

Oh dear... 

You've opened the flood gates now darwin...

[Snoopy]

Prepare for another stream of them then.

[Nick]

21 stone woman kills father of her children after sitting on him during a row


 

[tel]

Indonesian man loses his teeth in a cigarette explosion

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/8493288.stm

[Nick]

Man offered fake degrees in return for spanking


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/somerset/8493725.stm

[The Moan Ranger]

"Swiss prostitutes trained to use defibrillators in brothels to prevent clients dying"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7259636/Swiss-prostitutes-trained-to-use-defibrillators-in-brothels-to-prevent-clients-dying.html

[Darwins Selection]

"Swiss prostitutes trained to use defibrillators in brothels to prevent clients dying"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7259636/Swiss-prostitutes-trained-to-use-defibrillators-in-brothels-to-prevent-clients-dying.html

Well why else would you use a defibrilator in a brothel?
 

[Pastis]

"Curry houses blighted by exploding tandoors"

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7264821/Curry-houses-blighted-by-exploding-tandoors.html

[Pastis]

I picked up an email this morning from a chum; all it  said was this:

This cutting from the Norwich Evening News:
'A local woman was pestered by an ex-boyfriend, who knocked on her windows, sent love letters and finally pushed half a melon through her catflap.'

 

[Barman]

I picked up an email this morning from a chum; all it  said was this:

This cutting from the Norwich Evening News:
'A local woman was pestered by an ex-boyfriend, who knocked on her windows, sent love letters and finally pushed half a melon through her catflap.'

 

 

Where did he push the other half I wonder...? 

[Snoopy]

"Rare Buddhist flower found under nun's washing machine"

http://tinyurl.com/ybcjwek

[tel]

"Man used penis to assault female police officer"


http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/scotland/north_east/8570398.stm

[Snoopy]

That one has attracted the Sub Editors on other media as well 

Aberdeen engineer tried to slap policewoman with privates

Evening Express

Lithuanian fined 'for assaulting police woman with his genitals'

Daily Telegraph

I can't wait to hear what the News Quiz will do with the story.

[Miss Demeanour]

Jogger dies as plane crash lands on him

A man was killed in a freak accident when a plane crashed on top of him as he jogged along a beach.

Robert Jones, 38, was struck from behind by pilot Edward Smith after he got into difficulties at 3,000ft and oil began spraying on to his windscreen.

The propeller then fell off and the single-engined plane began falling from the sky.

Aiming the craft at the nearby beach, Mr Smith had no vision ahead of him and the runner was unable to hear the plane because its engine had stalled and he was listening to his iPod.

 

[Barman]

Jogger dies as plane crash lands on him

A man was killed in a freak accident when a plane crashed on top of him as he jogged along a beach.

Robert Jones, 38, was struck from behind by pilot Edward Smith after he got into difficulties at 3,000ft and oil began spraying on to his windscreen.

The propeller then fell off and the single-engined plane began falling from the sky.

Aiming the craft at the nearby beach, Mr Smith had no vision ahead of him and the runner was unable to hear the plane because its engine had stalled and he was listening to his iPod.

 

I told you all that time at the gym was bad for you...